Just needing to put it out there-can anyone relate to this form of BP

Hey fellows,
So I have been here for a while now-1 1/2 years about and I am still struggling with my diagnosis. Diagnosed BP NOS because my BP isn't classic per my psych which is sometimes why I have a hard time with it. I get minimal hypomania for way too short of time,or mixed (usually agitation, racing thoughts, energy, depression and anxiety to bam hit the floor time to die depression/racing thoughts. And it can be that rapid of a drop to the bottom. Then I come out of it and I'm ok-which leads me to" I can't be BP-see, I'm fine." I go through doubting this diagnosis, but this time going off meds I am journaling to help me to see. Anyone else like this at all? How did you accept it? Any suggestions would be appreciated. Thank you.

BP NOS was my initial dx too. However, with some insight gained since going on meds, I've since recognized that I do have hypomanic phases in which I'm either on top of the world, or I'm so agitated and jumpy that I feel almost like I could kill something. My thoughts race through my head at about 120 MPH and tumble around like squirrels in a cage.....I can't concentrate, I can't sleep, and I don't give a $#!+. Then there's the depression, which lasts a lot longer and turns me into a zombie.

The worst, though, was when I went on Wellbutrin about a year ago and in retrospect, I realized that it made me totally manic, which is why my pdoc said he may end up changing my dx to BP II. I don't suppose it matters much.....there's no question of my bipolarity, only the degree to which it interferes with my life.

Right now the combination of Lamictal, Celexa, and Ativan is working really well. The thing I'm going to have to remember is NOT to try going off the meds again!! I hate taking pills to feel 'normal', but I never want to have another mixed episode like I went through for much of the past 3 1/2 months. I don't recommend ANYONE go off their meds without first getting guidance from a medical professional (and no, not a bipolar RN ).

So yes, I can relate to your dx, and while I've mostly accepted mine, I tend to view the BP as a separate entity. I'm still trying to figure out which of my behaviors are just part of my quirky personality, and which ones are related to BP. Since I'm newly dx'd, I think that's going to take a while. Not sure how much help I can be, but if you need a sounding board, I'm here.

Sounds like me! Short periods of feeling happy or naormal then the aggitated stage which is AWFUL !!! I think I can literally kill someone and I am tired then I can't sleep and then all I want to do is sleep! So up and down in short periods is what gets me down. Def know what it feels like! Still new to this and trying to cope the best I can no advice sorry but U are not alone!

No Need, I can relate to a lot of what you wrote. Short hypomanias and mixed periods... Other things I can't relate to-I don't often feel "fine".

Bipolar is an incredibly heterogenous disorder. I am convinced that there are as many versions of this disorder as there are people diagnosed. :P

I can relate. Been off and on the medication for 10 years. Going through the severe depression where the medication doesn't seem to help and the deceptive mania that makes me think that if only my life wasn't so hard I could deal with it.

Been off my medication for more than a year trying to better understand of who I am and how different I am from others. I've come to the conclusion that I am BP and even if medication doesn't always live up to expectation without it my life is a lonely poor state incapable of being a productive member of my community.

I'm not one to tell you to go off your medication but for me it did help me to once and for all stop believing there is nothing wrong. BP makes our world a confusing place and unfortunately it may never become entirely clear, but maybe some day we can come to a place where we can at least except it.

I can TOTALLY relate to this! I also went on Wellbutrin for about four months.. at the time it was to quit smoking. I was running at the time and I was very, very proud of the six miles I worked my way up to. Shortly after the Wellbutrin took affect my six miles quickly become eight. then ten. At the peak, I was able to run 16 miles!!! But there was always some funny feeling while on it. It would be like "waves" of emotion that really haunted me. I took myself off of it and really struggled to try and keep up the mileage. in the end, I could not keep up the mileage without it and it dropped back down to where I felt I would be lucky to run six miles. I was so so mad that I quit running altogether. The zombie like state in depression.. oh yes! My wife says I dissapear. It's still me on the inside... but I can't seem to get "me" out to others around me when I am like that. I get secretive, even a touch on the paranoid side. I find I really have to be careful when that happens. It's like me against the world. On the "up" times I have a lot of anxiety. A whole lot of it. I was trying to gauge how "manic" i was based on my anxiety levels but the other night my anxiety failed me. I had very little and I didn't realize I was shouting and moving a mile a minute. I hate that. But it does move very quickly to the other side, and back, and over again. I am told I am all mixed up. My moods are both on the mood chart, being on the high and low side at the same time. It's confusing when I fill out my mood chart, looking at both sides and being sure of what I record. I take a while standing over it to fill it out. My wife tells me this: "You have your absolute high and low limits for the day. This is your mood. It's not the same as your emotion. Your emotions are like a needle that travels along the line, and the needle can travel rapidly. When you are depressed, and your levels are moderate or higher, lets just call that 'actively' depressed." This perspective has really helped me. Maybe it makes sense to you?

Me too! I really can identify with how you feel. Agitated, thoughts racing, funny weird ideas but not euphoric x

Chihuahua-sometimes advice is not that great, but the fact that you are sharing your experience with me and letting me know I am not alone is everything-thank you!

Thanks for the Reply-I so love the fact you are here, as you know from my PM from one BP/RN to another-glad it is getting better for you!

OMG I relate-Iv'e gone off before, but always briefly-I appreciate you sharing your experience-my fear is I will come to the same conclusion as you, as I think that is already happening. Ya just gotta do what you have to do......thank you

Thanks for that "picture" I have always had difficulty using the mood chart-doesn't fit well for me-at least the one my psych had me use. we kinda ditched it. But I hear ya about the confusion. Thank you for posting

I always feel humbled when people reply to my posts. Thank you so much. It helped me to feel like I am not so alone, so unique. I guess that is a step closer to getting to the bottom of this. Peace to you all.

Lol.. I know what it feels like to be alone! I have been diagnosed, fought it and needed my psychologist and my psychiatrist to tell me individually, and even then I kept throwing symptoms at them like it would change it. They just confirmed it. Even with that... I feel like every time I post someone will stand up and yell... "he's different. He's not like the rest of us!" No one has yet!

Oh, boy, can I relate to that.....I didn't want this diagnosis. I've suspected for years that I had it, but suspecting it and having it confirmed by people who know more than I do are two totally different animals.

It's strange, how humans will lie to themselves so much that they wind up believing their own bull****. For over a decade, it didn't bother me that I had "depression" listed on my medical records, because everybody and his housecat had that......it wasn't like I was "mentally ill" (read:nuts). But when doctors start throwing around the term bipolar disorder, that's crossing a line into dangerous territory. The few BP folks I'd known were street-rat crazy....I COULDN'T believe I was in the same category.

Well, reality is a gold-plated beeyotch, and like it or not, I'm seeing a shrink and taking the same meds as those "crazy" people, which is pretty humbling. BUT---I'm getting better on those meds, so maybe---just maybe---my doctors were right. And I'll bet yours are too, landskaperdan.

I have Bipolar II and never struggled with taking my meds because I wanted to feel better. But, I struggled with and still struggle accepting that I am not my bipolar disorder. It does not make me a bad person. I subscribe to Bipolar Magazine and it helps to read stories about other people who have this disorder. Try to stick with your meds if you are able to.

I've never been diagnosed BP, but that's prob due to my own denial and not being able to truly confide in my T. I have a lot to learn about BP and it's many variations, but right now I'm tripping out on how my experiences line up with u folks on this thread. I'm gonna be honest: I really don't want to be BP...I am finally coming to terms with being a Depressive after 20 some years...and now it's maybe more than that?! Is there a euphoric mania as well as the antsy irritable mania? When I was younger (age 10 to 18 or so) my depressive episodes would often "wrap up" with an intense euphoric high feeling that I assumed was simply the happiness of coming out of my depression and once again seeing the beauty of the world. Now @ 27, since being on, and now freshly transitioned off of Paxil, I have what I always assumed Mania was: buzzing inside, racing thoughts, insomnia, fast-talk, low impulse control, and a general feeling of having too much energy for my body to contain...
Did Paxil kick me into "real" BP? Did I always have mania and just not recognize it? Wtf am I supposed to do about these feelings?
I feel discouraged that it seems there are more questions than answers out there for BP Nation...

Glad it helps I also feel better when people just add encouragement or read the post.

I first posted a response here, then saw your own thread, KeepGoing. You'll find what I hope are some words of wisdom over there. :-)