[bowhunt72]

Ok, I held out as long as I could. I'm heading for a bad crash. I posted here because bipolar is my primary diagnosis, but please move it if it should be elsewhere.

Please forgive me if this is a little disjointed - it's all tangled up in my head too. My recent history involves the ending of an affair that I thought was true love while I was on a manic episode, a severe suicidal crash at the end of it that landed me in the hospital, current major depression, and an attempted reconciliation with my wife.

My emotions are going completely out of control. I'm missing my lover and grieving for losing her, massively guilty because of what I did to my wife and kids, slightly hopeful that I can reconcile with my wife, thankful to her for helping me out while I am down, and frustrated and angry with her for continuing to punish me for it. I did it, I was wrong, I'm sorry, I feel guilty, but that doesn't give her the right to beat on me forever. I'm hugely depressed at the thought of trying to return to work, very worried that I might not be able to work safely there or anywhere else. I'm still struggling with the idea of living as a person with mental illness, even though I've been diagnosed for a number of years now. I'm very lonely and isolated living in a crappy little apartment by myself. I haven't self injured in over two years, but I have my knife out and sitting on my desk beside me. Wanting to cut worse than I have in I have no idea how long.

I am already depressed, and I can feel a major crash coming. I've done everything I can think of to avoid it or prepare for it but nothing is slowing it down. I already made a run to the pharmacy to pick up meds so I'm current on everything. I went for a walk in the park to look at the blooming dogwoods and redbuds. I made myself something to eat. I have a relaxation CD playing. Talking to my T is out because of the weekend, and I can't see her now anyway because insurance won't let me while I'm still in the partial hospitalization program. My parents are clueless about this stuff. My wife is still punishing me and doesn't want to hear it - she keeps telling me to find myself support other than her. I have no close friends I can talk to.

So what do I do to protect myself? I can't call a suicide hotline because I'm not suicidal yet. When I was in the hospital they told me about a "warmline" for situations like this, but I found out it's no longer available. There's not much I can do for distraction. I can't concentrate enough to read. I rarely watch TV. I am a pipe smoker, and I've been saving a trip to a pipe shop an hour away to reward myself for getting through a tough period. Maybe I could do that as a distraction now, but I'm really worried about money.

I'm out of ideas. I've had enough crashes in the past that the thought of another one scares the **** out of me. HELP!!!

I'm sorry you're feeling so low...but I don't think you should be blaming your wife for anything. She has every right to feel angry with you, and you need to accept that she'll probably need to take more time than you'd like to re-build this relationship. She is not "punishing" you...to be perfectly honest, I think her reactions are completely understandable.

[bluematador]

It sounds like you are practicing self care. That is import when combating the guilt in this difficult situation. Meditation helps me when I am crashing. There is hard scientific evidence that this method can help in these kinds of situations. I use the Tibetan Buddhist Tongen meditation because it includes a very specific visualization. this helps shift my negative thinking patterns and I stop spiraling out of control. i have been hospitalized and suicidal several times. This is the way I have gained some stability in these situations. I am diagnoses as having a severe bipolar one disorder with frequent episodes of mania and depression. Neuroscientists have done quite a bit of research using PET scans and fMRIs to look at the effect meditation has on th brain of those experiencing mental illness. In many cases complete recovery and stability has been possible. Here is a desciption of the meditation. I hope it helps. I know how terrifying it is and how alone you must feel. Sit in a relaxed position and focus on your breathing for a few minutes. Notice when your mind wanders and gently guide your attention back to your breathe. Don't try to force yourself to focus. Just gently guide your awareness back when it wanders. Next close your eyes and remember an event in your life that is sad for you to remember. Next begin to visualize a dark color and breathe it in and exhale a bright color coming from inside you. Begin to add texture to each color after a minute or so. Usually the dark color can be hot and sticky and the bright color can be cool and airy. Now bring your minds eye to a person or circumstance in life that is particularly charged or difficult. As you inhale name the feelings that you have for this person or circumstance and inhale them as the dark sticky color. as you exhale send out feelings of health and well being, visualizing it as a bright color. Make sure you have nothing left inside as you exhale; that you have completely given your feelings of health and well being to the person or circumstance as you exhale. Continue this process until you feel some relaxation around the situation. Next exhale your goodness to the whole planet. End this practice the way you started with a few minutes of simple breathing with your attention focused on the breath. I hope this helps. I can be quite a mess. I have four neurological disabilities and I am still out in the world functioning some how!

[BuggsBunny]

Yes, you do sound on the edge, but it sounds like you are preparing for the crash as best you can. It would be helpful to put the knife away, tho, that way you can't grab it impulsively. Now, Find yourself a safe zone. A bed, chair, whatever. Make sure there is nothing you can hurt yourself with nearby - say within reach standing up. When you get that almost impossible to ignore urge to cut, hightail it to the safe zone. Hold yourself there as long as the urge remains. Distract yourself. Sing a song that you really have to work to remember the lyrics to. Theme song to Gilligan's Island. The Brady Bunch. Whatever. Nobody has to know what your distractions is, as long as it's a positive thing. Stay there until you master the urge to hurt yourself. Then you can get back up and move around. You may bounce back and forth a lot for a while, but it will help you get through.

Is there an emergency room option with your partial hosp. program? If you crash, head there. As for for the suicide hotline, if you are wanting to cut, you can call them. They may have some more distractions.

Hang in there,, hugs to you

[bowhunt72]

I'm back. I chose the option of heading to the pipe shop as a distraction and to get away from the knife. Backed away from the situation a little, spent some time concentrating on driving and shopping. A very enjoyable new blend in one of my favorite pipes, a bottle of my favorite adult beverage chilling for enjoyment later. Crisis averted for the moment, but I obviously still have a lot to learn about coping skills for when my emotions go crazy like this. Thanks to all who responded.

[Butterflies Are Free]

Sometimes I just focus on my body and try to focus on my breath. I also either take a hot bath or shower and drink hot tea. Can you call another type of hotline?

[bowhunt72]

"I don't think you should be blaming your wife for anything. She has every right to feel angry with you, and you need to accept that she'll probably need to take more time than you'd like to re-build this relationship. She is not "punishing" you...to be perfectly honest, I think her reactions are completely understandable."

Interesting to see this picked out of a moderately long post by a person looking for help for an immanent crisis. Not the first time I've seen this sentiment expressed by the same person. I suspect there's a story in there somewhere.

I have never denied responsibility or culpability for my actions. I have said, and will continue to say, that I'm not the only one who did anything wrong. As one example, I have grown somewhat tired over our years of marriage of being physically attacked when she gets angry. I think most honest people would have to admit that being repeatedly punched, kicked, and even bitten during numerous temper tantrums does provide a certain incentive to seek comfort elsewhere.

So why stay together? Because she's not always like that. At other times she is good hearted, loving, supportive, and a good mother to our children. And I'm not always a cheating lowlife. I've even been accused of being a good husband and father on occasion. We both have our own issues to work on before we can work on the marriage.

[bowhunt72]

Butterflies raised a question I've been looking for an answer to: can you call another type of hotline? Does anyone have an answer for this one? I have lists of suicide prevention hotlines all over my state, but nothing like a depressive crisis helpline. I liked the idea of the "warmline" they told me about in the hospital, but when I asked for the number, they looked it up and found the warmline was no longer in service. If there is another such line available, I'd like to know about it.

Originally Posted by bowhunt72

"I don't think you should be blaming your wife for anything. She has every right to feel angry with you, and you need to accept that she'll probably need to take more time than you'd like to re-build this relationship. She is not "punishing" you...to be perfectly honest, I think her reactions are completely understandable."

Interesting to see this picked out of a moderately long post by a person looking for help for an immanent crisis. Not the first time I've seen this sentiment expressed by the same person. I suspect there's a story in there somewhere.

I have never denied responsibility or culpability for my actions. I have said, and will continue to say, that I'm not the only one who did anything wrong. As one example, I have grown somewhat tired over our years of marriage of being physically attacked when she gets angry. I think most honest people would have to admit that being repeatedly punched, kicked, and even bitten during numerous temper tantrums does provide a certain incentive to seek comfort elsewhere.

So why stay together? Because she's not always like that. At other times she is good hearted, loving, supportive, and a good mother to our children. And I'm not always a cheating lowlife. I've even been accused of being a good husband and father on occasion. We both have our own issues to work on before we can work on the marriage.

I apologize if my post offended you. It just seemed to me like you were putting blame on your wife for your current emotional state...and that didn't seem quite fair. (Please keep in mind that it was just how I perceived your post) You are definitely right, of course, that we are not defined by our imperfections.

I hope you are able to find the support you need, to get through this difficult time.

[bowhunt72]

Thanks Melissa.

[Trippin2.0]

You're practicing self-care strategies which is great. You should be proud of yourself, I hope you are, or get to be soon. I don't have any other suggestions, but I would like to add my 2c: I once punished a bf, honestly, I treated him horribly for a yr, but it wasn't coz I took pleasure in it. I was scared to trust him again, and thought that if he stuck around thru THAT then he must be serious about being sorry... Not 1 of my proudest moments,but anger and fear are a strange combo, so yeah, that's the gist of it.
.
I'm rooting for you, praying you emerge unscathed

[Trippin2.0]

You're practicing self-care strategies which is great. You should be proud of yourself, I hope you are, or get to be soon. I don't have any other suggestions, but I would like to add my 2c: I once punished a bf, honestly, I treated him horribly for a yr, but it wasn't coz I took pleasure in it. I was scared to trust him again, and thought that if he stuck around thru THAT then he must be serious about being sorry... Not 1 of my proudest moments,but anger, pain and fear are a strange combo, so yeah, that's the gist of it.
.
I'm rooting for you, praying you emerge unscathed

[bowhunt72]

Interesting perspective Trippin, I never thought of it quite that way. I wonder if that's part of what's going on in my case. I will think about this some more.

[insideout]

suicide hotlines are there to help you whether you are on the ledge literally or just metaphorically. try this chat: http://www.suicidepreventionlifeline...elineChat.aspx
I called it a few weeks ago when i was having ideation. The online counselor did not mind that I had no immediate intentions.
Here's a warmline for the State of Ohio: http://cincywarmline.org/
And you can certainly use other warmlines if you don't mind calling long distance!
http://warmline.org/