Bad thoughts...

I had added this to the other thread about intrusive thoughts, but thought I might elaborate and post it here. Sometimes I can handle them and sometimes they are overwhelming. My biggest problem, though is that when I get overwhelmed by the thoughts I begin acting on them.

For example, I am going through the thougts and motions lately of cutting my left wrist open. I have the thought, the desire and the means. I have been pressing a knife or a razor blade against my wrist whenever I get the chance. I have been ordered by my T to call 24/7 before I hurt myself. I promised I would. I am having trouble picturing calling my T because I have the fantasy so strongly planned out. That's why I have been "mock cutting".

I don't want to die. I just want to come close.

The weirdest thing is that I am not depressed in the slightest. I spent the winter totally depressed, but came out of it and started feeling better in March. Right now, I can enjoy things, be ok at social events, and I am feeling generally good. So I think I am not dealing with any mania right now, although I have been a little more irritable than normal.

I wish I knew what to say. Please be careful. Hang on to that thought that you don't want to die. Don't give into the thoughts

Why do you want to come close?

I've totally had really similar thought intrusions, only I wanted to pierce a knife into my abdomen.
I stayed away from sharp things for a while, coz I usually act on the thoughts when the scene (as it is in my head) presents itself.

I am not sure. I think that it would make me feel more legitimate for having these thoughts. And morbidity wants me to feel what it's like to be dying. This has been a recurring theme since I was a child.

My thinking is all screwed up right now. I have been obsessed with seeing ambulances and looking in the windshield to see if the driver looks kind. I also have thoughts about hitting trees or poles while driving. At first I didn't want anyone in the car with me, but today the thoughts were so strong while driving my kids to school, that I started to not care if they were there with me or not. How sick?

The thoughts come randomly, but they sort of have a plan attached to them. In other words, I have a thought and then I think to myself that I will do it at the next commercial break, or sometime overnight. Again, sick. I haven't hurt myself yet, but I have been putting a razor blade or a knife against my wrist and going through the motion.

I really hate this and I like it. I am so conflicted. I am feeling so much pain about this, and I feel better when I have these fantasies and go through the motions. I almost don't want to call or talk to my T about this because I want it to continue. Again, sick, sick, sick...

Im so sorry you are going through this. I know it must be so hard for you. Im kind of looking at it as an addiction. You just have to find a way to detour your thoughts when it does pop up. Try the rubberband thing on your wrist. It works well for many people in many different situations. Maybe everytime you have a bad thought you pop it hard and it can divert your attention. I really think you need to talk to someone. Hope you do tell your T. Hugs to you.

I cut very lightly with a knife today. I was supposed to call my T before I hurt myself. I was scared to call him. I feel like crap for breaking my promise. I don't want to tell or show my husband either because I am afraid he will get angry.

I feel like I will cut again soon and it might be deeper. That's the image in my head anyway.

I don't feel depressed at all, but I am starting to wonder if I am having another mixed episode. I usually don't know until after it is over, but those are the ones I end up cutting myself and going to the hospital. I am afraid this time.

I don't have any good advice. I am struggling really bad and cut again yesterday. I guess all I have to offer is sympathy from someone who's been there. Please hang in there.