[Wown]

Ok I don't know where else to go, I'm a 33 yr old married guy with 2 kids... lately I feel like I'm doing my whole family more harm being around. It's complicated but no one understands, it's not that I'm suicidal like I'm going to kill myself but sometimes I just spend days going through so much inside of me I like picture or think of killing myself or being killed, sometimes I just think of stepping up to some huge guy or guys just to get a physical scrap just to be hurt, I get angry, extremely sad... sometimes just to myself but every now and then i can't help it and i lash out to those around me, my kids, my wife, my family, friends, coworkers you name it sometimes I'll start talking to a complete stranger about wishing something would happen to me... I've been taking 2 100mg Zoloft everyday and 2-4 1mg xanex a day just to cope and get by... or at least i did before i lost my insurance (and job because i lost it and flipped out on two IT coworkers when they were wrong) and since then it's been like a whole new hell, so yeah lets add more, i smoke bud, but I'm not like your typical pothead that's all duhhh and whatnot, it affects me completely different then most and those that know me even say the same thing even though they don't smoke or even approve of it they approve it in me because it is the only time I'm able to have a 15min conversation without losing it as soon as i get a reason to be defensive... I try like hell to just keep it all in but everyone knows when I'm about to explode and I'm not like that typical *** that's just mean all the time, when I'm on xanex or smoked some I'm loved by everyone and that's a nice feeling just sucks i need something for people to want me around, but I can't be high all the time and when i had insurance up until 3 months ago I got 60 1mg xanex a month with 3 refills but 2-4 a day once I'm out i smoke till i can refill... My wife is in tears on her knees begging to help me, but there is nothing she can do, when i try and explain to her how i feel she takes it all EXTREMELY personal and we always end up arguing... bad anxiety and sever depression is what the DR usually say i am but I've never been diagnosis as Bi-polar when easily 20 or more people that know me well say that's what i am. so ahhhh i found a dr. i can afford to go see and i will be on mon or Tues of next week, tonight has been a really bad night, and these past two weeks I'm lucky if i sleep 3 hours a night and most the time I'm up all night till 7-10 the next morning before i pass out, this guy barely bumped into me in a gas station tonight and RAGE just lit through me I wanted to throw him threw the front window if it wasn't for my 9yr old little boy with me theres no telling what i would of done, and I'm no little guy 5'11" 275lbs so i can handle myself and with anger and rage I'm like three times that size. I'm going to lose my family or my life if i don't figure out what to do,

I know a lot of you feel what I'm saying but I need advice, suggestions, or answers... do i try and get the Dr to diagnosis me as bi-polar and if so what meds do i switch to instead of 200mg of Zoloft a day and 2-4 mg of xanex, but like that barely gets me by so if i change them they have to be stronger. I saw 2 different pdocs and both were like why are they giving you addictive medication, we should try a diet change and support meetings and the other 1 wanted me on one or the other or just one of something else. i mentioned to a few different Dr's when i still lived in MD about trying the whole medical marijuana since it REALLY affects me better than the other legal drugs i take and they just laughed at me which kinda hurt my feelings, Klonopin works ok on me but wheres off in 2-3 hours and it feels like i took it as a recreational drug, Lexapro intensifies my depression so bad i want to jump out a window so no more of that. i don't drink well maybe once or twice a year so no issue there and this is all like the top level stuff there is so much more deeper, without going into a lot of detail i get into these sexual self destruction phases every few months where I need to feel self submission just to lose myself outside of my reality life... hard to explain so i won't start here, but if you know then you know what i mean

honestly i know a few of you already labeled me as pill popper or druggie or something, but you just don't know and my wife and sister and a straight and sober as any, like they might have an Advil or two a month but that's it for them and well everyone who knows me wants me on something, broke my heart but i never told her this past St Patrick's day the whole family came to get together for a dinner party and my own mother called and said"you are taking a xanex or two before you come down right" yeah i know that's like a month ago but it's still ripping me apart, every time the wind blows i just want to explode in tears but i tough it up and go through another day of my own hell... i just want it all to end, nobody knows the mental/emotion pain I'm in and i just can't take it much longer.... I'm used to it good or bad I've heard it all so please let me know what you all think, my account here is authorized to email me too if you have personal comments for me please feel free

and thank you for anyone who took the time to read all that, I'm just holding on by threads and honestly I'm scared and none of them around me knows that....

Derek

[moremi]

Derek,

Welcome to PC. I understand and I hope you find what you need here. First, I'm no doctor so I cant give you a definite diagnosis but if you are bipolar and it sounds like you are than yes as bipolar we tend to self medicate. I did the same thing for many years. It was the only way I could keep myself sane long enough to take part in my life.Some will say thats just an excuse to use. Well it may be for them but for my case I just needed some normalcy whatever that was. I needed to be able to function for everyone else and I did so very well on the pills. If I didn't have the pills I didn't leave my house. It was that simple. Without them I could not function because I was sick. Chemical Dependency. What you need to know is if you really want it you can get off the wrong medications and on the right ones. You need patience. It takes time for the every other thought of Xanax and weed to go away. Xanax the worst of the two when you break it down. At least in my case. I have been clean for a year next week. The 27 of April is my day. April 27th of last year the worst day of my life. Rock bottom, in jail, panic attacks with no medication. Hyperventilating on the floor in tears and puke. It was awful. Dont let it get that bad.

You can rise above, just knowing that it has been done and you are capable of conquering this yourself. Take it one day at a time like they say, hell take it one minute at a time because honestly sometimes that one minute is the biggest accomplishment. You can and will if you give it everything you got. No second thoughts. Change your people places and things. All things addicts say to do. You may not be an addict but your brain is dependent on Xanax and marijuana. That you cant deny. It is a side effect or what have you of your disease if you get the diagnoses though. Self medication. Research and help yourself. You can do it and people here can support you when your down or have a success no matter how small. **** I almost had a party for myself just for getting out of bed one day. Believe in yourself and do it for you. Then you can take care of everyone else.

[xraydiva09]

Hey there and welcome!! Well if you are feeling outta sorts, you are def in the right place!! I myself am Bi-Polar II, and I can definitly lean to the angry side....Im not a doc or anything either....you need to get a proper diagnosis, but I think finding the right med combo will help with alot of that....Therapy helps too, but I feel that with being Bi-Polar, its alot of a chemical thing....therapy helps, but you have to have meds....I was a self medicator as well.....turns out Im not too good at it lol.....Im like you also, in that I dont have insurance....my PDoc luckily gives me a discount, and most of the meds Im on he either gives me samples, or makes sure to work with me and prescribe generics so its affordable....Im still trying to find the right med cocktail, but I must be onto something because I dont feel like killing people anymore lol....take care and have a good weekend....