[allme]

Hey again

I just posted about being lonely.

Other than the work place, any good idea on how to meet new ppl and make new friends?

In serious need of new connections

This question plagues me as well.

I am lonely and I want to meet new people, but I don't want to meet new people just for the sake of meeting new people. For starters, these types of friendships tend to be very ... uhhh... 'vampiric'. Meaning, I'm only friends with them for what they can give me. In most cases, just a warm body who will listen to my problems. I find these friends are very understanding until they realize you're just talking to them for your own ulterior motives.

It also makes me very sensative to the things they say. If they even hint at a criticism, I get very defensive. It's very unbalanced. I also find I go places to find friends that I don't normally go. When I'm back to feeling 'normal', I stop going to these places and lose all these new acquaintances or friends. There are so many things are not ideal with looking for friendship when you're emotionally unstable. It's dishonest in a way. You're not who you really are.

Looking for friends when you're lonely is the worst time to find friends. It's like going to the grocery store when you're hungry (you end up with a lot of food that you have to eventually throw away). I just think the key is, and I'm only speaking for myself, be happy with who you are and be content with being alone.

This is hard.

This is very hard.

Ideally, the best time to make friends is when you know yourself, are comfortable with yourself and can give and receive in healthy ways. Everything else will just end badly. Having said that, if you really want a quick way to simulate a friendship, find an online penpal or someone in a chat room. At the very least, they're tolerable distractions.

[catrules]

This is something that I had to consciously work on as I had really isolated myself for a while. For me it meant stepping outside of my comfort zone and putting myself out there. Part of my social interaction is largely dependent upon the fact that I have a four year old. I have met a couple of great people because of him. But I have had to make sure to nurture those relationships as it is easy to just let things go.

[dub_phantom]

I've definitely got this problem as well... I find that at times I feel great and end up talking to a lot of people and going out and doing things with them, but then when I get back to normal or especially if I'm depressed I realize they probably find me annoying or weird or something. I end up isolating myself unless they make every possible effort to talk and do things with me, so more often than not it just gets kind of awkward (probably my own fault for just not talking to them anymore). It's very annoying but I just can't help it... I also know it's not true, I remember when I was in Florida for a while someone in the smoking pit pointing out that I was out there a lot and talked to people a lot sometimes but no one had ever really hung out with me more than a few times. I know I should put myself out there more and every once in a blue moon I find someone that I click with very well that makes a lot of effort to be my friend but it just doesn't happen very often. And as soon as they or I leave (military, people move around a lot) we lose touch because I usually assume the things I have to say over phone or texts or e-mail, etc. aren't interesting or worth talking about. I have found I guess the big thing would be going out to something you like to do, for me for example concerts, and just putting yourself out there. I'm probably not the one to take advice from though.

[allme]

Thanks for your input guys.

Notcrazylikeyou: What you say makes perfect sense....to be happy alone before seeking out new friendships. Yes, even the thought of it seems utterly daunting but I also believe this is needed before I can give myself fully and for the right reasons. I thought that new connections is what I needed to be happy but to be honest, if it wasn;t this situation, I would be blaming another. Will speak to my CPN about this.

[BipolarBug]

Church
Volunteering
Shopping
Through Other Friends
Taking up a new hobby that requires other people to be there
Hmm......

[allme]

I have been considering volunteering. Just not sure in what and if my social anxiety will allow me to ....

[BipolarBug]

Originally Posted by allme

I have been considering volunteering. Just not sure in what and if my social anxiety will allow me to ....

I volunteer in the hospital. There are quite a few areas that wouldn't have too much people contact which I know sounds silly because there are always people swarming a hospital, but there are places. Volunteer coordinators there are usually very willing to listen to your concerns and be happy to place you in something you will feel comfortable with. Unlike a job interview, you can pretty much spill it on them and they won't look down on you for it.

[bipolarmedstudent]

Originally Posted by allme

Hey again

I just posted about being lonely.

Other than the work place, any good idea on how to meet new ppl and make new friends?

In serious need of new connections

I don't know. I have the same problem. I have no friends either.

If it weren't for my boyfriend, I'd be extremely lonely.

[bipolarmedstudent]

Originally Posted by allme

I have been considering volunteering. Just not sure in what and if my social anxiety will allow me to ....

FWIW, I have pretty bad social anxiety, but I found it didn't interfere at all with voluntering with patients. It's different when you are in the role and have a reason to talk to people. And when patients are relying on you for support, it sort of snaps you out of your social anxiety. Somehow, even though I have terrible social anxiety with my peers, I come out of my shell and become really confident and sociable when connecting with patients. I found that volunteering actually helped me overcome my social anxiety a little bit.

[Lucy1114]

My therapist told me the best way to meet people you have something in common with is to get involved in some kind of group activty like a hobby, volunteer group, political activity, class, etc.

[faerie_moon_x]

Originally Posted by bipolarmedstudent

I don't know. I have the same problem. I have no friends either.

If it weren't for my boyfriend, I'd be extremely lonely.

I also have this problem but a huge part of this is that my husband was my best friend. Then one day he just randomly stopped. We didn't split up or anything. He just now has other friends and I'm just his "wife." We used to make friends together, and even if like he was friends with so and so and I was friends with so and so's wife... you know, it was like a social circle. This really makes me mad because I don't believe one person should exclude the other from their life like this, and that's not how a marriage should be. And I also never saw it coming or expected it.

But... now I'm screwed. So, my advice is to not count on your boyfriend 100% because what happens if he wigs out. It makes me mad to have to give this advice, but because it happened to me I don't want it to happen to others.

[Amazonmom]

I joined some groups on meetup.com it was fun and i met some really nice people.

I struggle with this too. Dub_phantom covers a bunch of the "why" in my case too. Anything I manage to even try ends when I hit a depressive episode. Isolate, for sure. I can't reach out, and they don't. It seems they don't even notice (only realized post-depression, as it's too consuming at the time). Also have moved, and that's resulted in vaporization too. It may sound like no effort is made on my end, but that's not true. Just never hear back, or only for a short time. Sometimes I'm not useful to their ends anymore. But I try to just assume it's just because they've got lives. I've basically managed to have 3 friendships of any substance whatsoever in my adult life. One kind of persists, but I hold a LOT back from her for fear of being judged. It's been a very hard time beyond that which she could possibly relate to. Also, her self-esteem is much higher than mine, and there would be a lot of what I should "just" do (yes, have heard it in reference to other people -- little to no empathy for those who've made bad decisions and can't "just" overcome the consequences). Another was a very long time ago (20+ years) and a move killed it. Most recent friend-making? He died. Way before time and out of the blue. As did a person a few years ago. Just after I'd decided I wanted to befriend her. A little hinky on that front. Those deaths were especially hard to take. Even aside from the loss itself, it makes me feel cursed. The most recent one devasted me, as we got on fabulously well and hung out all the time when we lived nearby to each other. Hang out on a regular basis?! That had not happened with anyone for... almost 30 years. I know... , right? Not for pity, just to say these things have greatly impacted, and only fueled my reticence.

Three more issues (my fault). Trouble holding up my end in getting things going. No matter what logic dictates, I have an extremely hard time contacting, being brought up being told that so much as speaking with people was "bothering" (exact word) them. As stated above, I do try anyway. Unfortunately, results have been reinforcing. Secondly, relating to very few. There are some super-common bonding points that I simply don't possess. Thirdly, not really letting people in. Very guarded (again, childhood issue -- one's thoughts and feelings were used for ammo). It's a therapist's field day...

Most of the time, I've just stopped thinking about it. Other times it pains me greatly. Want to be clear that I am definitely not one who brings their personal problems up. So it's not a matter of being needy or draining (yeah, far more likely to end up on the other end of vampiric relationships). (Haha, you're probably saying, "well, she does enough moaning on the boards!" But IRL, no. Save it all up for you guys, lol. )

Wish I had some suggestions to add. There are good ones here. Like best the frequenting of places where an interest is pursued though. Gives a point in common right off the bat.

Just wanted to let you know that you are not alone in this.

[3little.birds]

Join a class of some sort.. whatever you are into. Kick boxing, cooking, yoga, a book club, volunteering.. whatever floats your boat. I keep trying to bring myself to use my own advice because I am quite lonely most of the time myself.. but I get very anxious when I know I am going to be the new person/not know anyone. Catch 22. But maybe it could work for you! =]