Stuck in an endless cycle

It's pretty hard for me to find any positive feelings to share at times.

I just forgot what I was going to say and that's actually part of the problem.
I feel like I'm stuck in a short endless repeating cycle, day after day after day. Mainly being depressed, I think things are going to get better and then I've taken 3 steps back. Each and every week starts to feel the same and I'm tired of my thoughts racing, and my lack of focus.

Medication?
I really don't think any of it does much, It's not really possible for me to be fixed. Lately I've had more problems with my memory, focus, racing thoughts, and the fact that I'm evened out and can't really cry but yet I feel like I'm going to explode. I was just feeling really ****** and now I perked up for.... well I'm depressed again. Yep, good fun.

You know what really pisses me off? The fact that everyone acts like it's all no big deal, it's because of this, it's because of that, life gets better, look at the positive side etc. Often I want to tell people that if they felt like this for a month they would want to blow their ****ing brains out too.

I go for therapy, etc. Does it feel like it's made a difference over the long run? A little I have to admit. But then again it's like I always take 3 steps back and sometimes I don't even get to take half a step forward.

And again I have to note that my mood just had an upswing again, how I wish I could just ****ing focus on one thing. It would be so nice to be able to focus. I have add and take drugs for that too, but still I have constant issues with focus. By the time I go to see anyone about this I'll probably be fine for a few hours, and then I'll be ****** again. In fact I thought I was pretty stable but I guess not!

Whining is my new hobby, I was just thinking about going and doing something else but I always get locked into a debate with myself about whether I want to do anything and whether I'll enjoy it or not.
My thinking is that people just don't understand what this feels like, it hurts physically too. I'm so tired it's ridiculous, but yet when the week comes I have to run out and pretend to be normal and happy and care about my life.

Most times I feel like the universe is messing with me, if I acknowledge something that's good or get excited about something it falls through, blows up on me, disintegrates, wait actually that's every time. I have yet to have something good I acknowledge not turn sour. It's like I'm being listened to and then someone says "Hey, he thinks this will work, lets **** with him again and see how far we can push him until he loses his mind and goes off the edge". Most days I feel like I'd be much more comfortable being locked up in a padded room, my mind will tear me apart anyway.
Why can't the bad turn good when I acknowledge it? lol.

Life....... Life with a mental illness. Bi-polar 2, sentenced for life. Plus the fact that as frequently as it can the universe denies me any pleasure.

Hey, what can I say.

You have a passion that can engage your mind, and you might try a tiny tiny dose of a mood stabilizer---don't do lithium, though; when they put me on that I could no longer manage words or read. I demanded to get off of lithium. I hope you find and read my reply to you in school issues..

RoamingMind,
I feel you. I keep telling my mom that the universe is laughing at me. It gives some only to take it away again. It is to a point what when I feel good I am so so afraid and anxious that it will be ripped from me that I cannot enjoy it, which then sends me in another depression. I too do not trust anyone's words; it will get better, this is just a moment, blah blah. Maybe for them these words mean something because it happens to them. How could they understand that even in a hypo state or when I am normal that I am terrified that it will go away, and it does go away, over and over and over again.
I hope that your ability to focus comes back to you. I fear that I am so analytical; able to rip things apart and put them back together as I see fit or concentrate so much on something that it drives me mad. If we could I would give you some of mine and you could give me some of yours. A balance would be nice for a change. Take care!

Everything you're saying reminds me of my issue. It isn't my mood necessarily. I can handle depression. I can handle mania. Been there, done that. It's the memory loss, the inability to focus, the inability to read, being all over the place all the time... I hear you.

My question is this, the feeling flat yet feeling like exploding. That sounds like a possible mixed state to me. I have mixed states more than anything else it seems. I'm not manic, I'm not depressed. I am depressed. I am manic. I'm going to explode, but I'm not. I feel like if one straw falls on this camel's back, then mushroom cloud...

Ditto for me for pretty much all of what each of you has said. I get so tired of the mood swings. When I am depressed I can't even remember what it was like to have any energy at all, and when I am hypo-manic, like right now, I feel agitated with a bunch of energy pent up inside of me that I don't know how to release. I have to watch how I present myself when at work, and I can't wait to get the task at hand, whatever it may be, behind me. Lack of focus is a big issue with me on both ends of the spectrum. I used to love reading, but now as I get older and this disease progresses, I can't settle my mind long enough to do any peaceful activities.
I am so sorry that we all have to deal with this!
Bluemountains