[bowhunt72]

I've already told my story about my big manic episode and huge suicidal crash that landed me in the hospital. After I was released I still cut some and felt SU. I've been feeling better lately. I'm physically exhausted because I can't sleep for more than a few hours, but my brain feels more present and functional. Several people have commented that even though I look tired I do look better overall. I thought maybe I was recovering and getting closer to normal.

Now I'm starting to worry again. What if I'm not recovering but swinging back toward another mania? I was out shopping at 3 am this morning because I couldn't sleep and couldn't just be still anywhere. I didn't buy anything crazy, just put gas in my car and bought a few groceries and picked up a couple of other things I needed, but shopping at 3 am? That sounds really borderline manic to me, and it scares me. Last time I did this I left my wife and kids and wrecked my marriage and family. Who knows what might happen if I get manic again? I'm not worried about another affair, there's no one immediately available even if I wanted to, but I don't want to ruin the progress I've made toward rebuilding my marriage. She said she wants to see how I handle another mania before she'll truly commit to the marriage again - what if I screw it up?

What can I do to stop this? I'm scared! Help!!!

Are you having any other symptoms. You've been pretty down , sometimes not being able to sleep is because of depression or anxiety, like the not being able to be still. I wouldn't get too worried yet if you aren't having other symptoms.

Do you have any sleep meds? You should make sure that you don't end up missing another nights sleep, that's really important. If you are having other symptoms than contact your pdoc right away. Don't wait for it to come to full swing. Mania is hard to control if you leave it until it's full blown. It's nit like depression where there are lots of tools and skills to bring you out of it.

Do you have safety nets for when you are manic? Like for me, I will absolutely not drink, not gamble, not put my releshonship at risk....spend ect. You have some insight into your last mania, which you can use to help you get though the next, hopefully with less repercussions.

[bowhunt72]

Talked to my pdoc in her office a couple days ago asking if I was maybe in a mixed episode because I still felt down but had some manic features. She said maybe, and maybe med reactions. We're trying yet another new combination of sleep meds that should put a horse down for the duration, but nothing works for more than a few hours. I haven't had a full night of sleep in weeks. She also agreed that the insomnia could be from the depression and anxiety, so the short version is nobody really knows.

Now I'm noticing I'm not as down, even about things that probably would get me down normally. That's what has me wondering if this is the beginning of a swing toward mania again. I'll try to put precautions in place - no alcohol, be very careful with money, stay in contact with my wife and away from anyone she could possibly be jealous of. Those will be hard to do while I'm living alone. Other than that I guess I just try to ride it out and hope it isn't too bad.

[thickntired]

Who knows what might happen if I get manic again? I'm not worried about another affair, there's no one immediately available even if I wanted to, but I don't want to ruin the progress I've made toward rebuilding my marriage. She said she wants to see how I handle another mania before she'll truly commit to the marriage again - what if I screw it up?

What can I do to stop this? I'm scared! Help!!![/quote]

I'm sorry your having a hard time. I often worry my bipolar will ruin my marriage bc when I'm manic I go off on my husband.

Good Luck!

Peace,

TnT

Not sleeping can definitely drag you from deppression to mania. I understand your wife wanting to see how you handle it. It probably won't be perfect, but what is.

When I'm manic I try to do things that keep me safe, yet use up all that extra energy. I clean my house fanatically, refinish furniture, give myself projects that I can emerse myself in. I usually have many projects going so I can switch from thing to thing. Not always productive but has little hazards. You like to build furniture and things right? Could you have access to your workspace at your house so you could get a project going?

[Victoria'smom]

Do you have a therapist that you can call if you need to? Try to keep tabs on your mood write then down if your not confused. It'll help if you need to go to the pdoc.

[bowhunt72]

I don't think I can use my shop right now, although I do have a request to build a small table for a friend. When we first separated, my wife made a big point of how it was HER house now because I had moved out, even though I'm the only one who has paid anything on it in the 10 years we've owned it. The separation agreement also says she gets the house. Lately I've been making sure I act as a guest when I'm there to try to keep the friction down. We've been getting along better, but I don't think I can ask to have access to my shop yet. She might say yes, but I don't want to push it.

I'm stuck in this little apartment away from my shop, my woods, and basically everything else I do. I try to go to parks and walk around the neighborhood, but that only helps a little. When I get stressed out really bad I sometimes go to a pipe shop in the nearest large city and pick out a really good quality pipe tobacco that's new to me, but I have to be really careful of the money, especially if I am getting manic. Other than that I just mess around online and try to read if I can make myself concentrate long enough.

[Merlin]

Try to keep tabs on your mood write then down if your not confused. It'll help if you need to go to the pdoc.

When your moods are irregular, I would definitely recommend using a mood chart for bipolar. If you Google the phrase you can find a selection. I don't keep one when I am stable, but when my moods are doing odd things, I definitely do. I can also note triggers and abnormal behaviour. It does make it easier to go to pdoc and tell him/her how you've been. I find that sometimes when I get into the office, I forget how I was earlier in the week, much less since I saw my pdoc last.

When you can't sleep, it's hard to know what to do at 3 AM. I have a PRN (as needed) supply of sleeping pills that I will sometimes use when I need to get to sleep, but I recommend not using them all the time because it can get to the point where you cannot sleep without them. My rules for sleeping pills are I can take one if: (1) it is essential that I get sleep to function the next day, (2) I have been unable to sleep more than 3-4 hours for 3 nights in a row, (3) I am having manic symptoms from any number of nights (or none) with inadequate sleep and am still getting the same, or (4) I want to avoid jet lag.

When I don't use it, I often spend a large portion of the night in bed reading, since rest is the next best thing to sleep. Sometimes I do have to get up and do something like cleaning or cooking the next day's meals, but that is a manic symptom for me and would be a warning to take a sleeping pill if I had 5 hours of sleep left in the night or to take one the next night if I had similar urges.

I'm sorry Bow, that sucks. You need to have a healthy outlet for the mania. And I think that would be a good thing for you. Does seem unfair too. Since she wants you to handle the mania better. I understand you not wanting to push it. Do you have any other hobbies, or something you've wanted to try to learn ? Maybe try to think of some that are low budget, that you could do in your own space.

I don't know about you but I really have to fill up my time when I'm manic, I've been doing it for years and have kept myself out of any trouble except for spending. I still have a hard time with that.

[Trippin2.0]

Wouldn't your wife WANT you to cope with mania in a healthy way? Maybe if you explain why you'd like access to your workshop she'd be understanding... I don't see how looking for healthy coping mechanisms is 'pushing it' when how you handle mania is the deciding factor with regards to your marriage...