First month on meds

I recently found out I was bipolar 1. I'm relieved but also disappointed. I thought by not sleeping and eating small amounts, the secrets to understanding life and absolute elation or nirvana could be achieved. Everything is so clear during those times and EVERYTHING makes me smile. I wish I could bottle that feeling and keep it forever. However reality rears its ugly head and I go into an impatient rage. Then I feel so guilty because I hurt the people closest to me. I'm horrible to my boyfriend. He deserves so much better then this. I quit drinking and the rage is still there. I started seeing the psychiatrist through my school and it's been a great experience. She is truly aiming to help me and instead of being committed and missing school or making me wait three months between appointments, she sees me once a week and we are using a regime of 900mg of lithium, 5mg of abilify, and trazodone to help me sleep. Besides the stomach issues with lithium and my poor diet it helps tremendously. However I've noticed my energy levels fluctuate considerably, and my irritability and sometimes anger show in the late afternoon until I take my medicine. I'm finding it very difficult to be around people I am close with, mainly my somewhat fiance. I love him but I want to be alone so bad. I don't want to abuse him and he doesn't want to let go. Things were so much easier to handle when I was alone. If I freak out and break a window, it's only my problem and I don't have to wallow in shame and guilt. I also stress out, like right now, because I can't sleep and the idea of laying down makes my heart hurt, and he doesn't understand. He wants me to go to bed and considering I work in the am it's logical. When I'm "normal" or depressed I want to be around family but I started seeing the psychiatrist because I could feel a manic episode coming on. Part of me wants to let it go, say bye to my boyfriend, and freak out, or go into the rabbit hole. I feel so torn and people keep telling me my meds are poison or unnatural and it hurts and makes me feel wrong. I'm taking them so I don't hurt my love anymore. But I feel like it's just a matter of time before I blow up, with or without medication. Sorry for the rant, I just found talking to friends unhelpful and I am desperate to discuss my life in terms of this illness, as I feel it would be illuminating.

Hello Mystictrue & Welcome to PC!! You'll find people you have things in common with, learn you're not alone & there's lots of info to benefit from.

So sorry you are struggling right now. As hard as it is to accept & deal with, it's so much better to start treatment when you're young. I wish I'd known sooner, got dx'd later in life & could have saved me many years of turmoil.
I'm sure your pdoc (phychiatrist) informed you but try & be patient on the meds. They can take anywhere from 2wks-2mon to take effect. Please don't be too hard on yourself, it' not like you *chose* any of this.

Having a pdoc is good but a great one is wonderful. Her being an advocate for helping you stay in school & out of hosp is awsome.

Being around other people can be tricky. Ultimately you'll have to decide what is best for you. If you need more alone time, those who really care & at lease try to understand, will stand by you. There's no reason to feel guilty about it, easier said than done but still. I also like my alone time.

Your meds aren't poison or unnatural, they're personal choice, yours!! If you have any concerns with your meds, like not sleeping or whatever, it sounds like you have a very receptive pdoc. Don't shy away, if she feels the need to change something now, you two can make an informed decision.

About the *rant* or venting, that's what PC is here for. Please keep posting & giving updates.

Take good care.
Chaotic

Everything that KC said! ^^^ and I'd also like to say to PC!

Hey there Mystictrue,

Welcome to the forum. I too am BP1. I know it's hard but you did the right thing in getting help and going on meds. Meds will help you and you will be able to function better once they have kicked in and found the right theraputic dose for you. I have only been diagnosised for 2 years and I am still coming to terms with it and dealing with the urge to be manic rather than depressed. But then worry I am getting out of control when I am manic. Its crazy but you will get there.

You do need a support network so your Psychiatrist and your fiance are a good place to start. What about a counsellor/therapist? Your parents/family? People need to know how to help you so that means you need to be honest and if your not feeling great tell someone. I can not stress that enough. I can't and I get myself into ruts because of that.

Rant away, chat away we are all here for you!