[bluemountains]

I had been making steady progress over the past 7 months with therapy and med adjustments (still adjusting) I had bad habits under control. The drinking had been greatly curbed and I was being faithful to my drug regiment. For some reason, over the past few days I have picked up old, destructive habits, and I can't figure out why. During the day, I am functioning normally, but at night I am drinking again and on top of that I am taking klonopin, too. Yes, I know this is completely stupid, and I know what both my t and pdoc have told me about the dangers of this behavior.
Here is what my life has been like for the past couple of weeks: major depression until the end of last week and just as I was feeling that I was coming out of it, my father/abuser died. I spent the entire weekend doing the funeral and family duties, feeling like a fake because I wasn't shedding tears, just going through the motions. This past week my hypomanic state began to take over, but it has been an angry time. My husband says I am flying off the handle at minor things. I can't control the physical energy-shaky hands, lots of movement. Work has been okay, I've used the energy in a positive way with my class.
But in the evenings-at least a bottle of wine and my drugs on top of it. What is going on? Is this a reaction to my father's death? Why am I feeling so destructive? I go to see my t on Tuesday and the pdoc next week; however, I am not sure that I will be completely honest because I hate to admit the downward spiral. I have written everything in my journal, though, so I hope I will be able to share that way.
Thanks for reading. Sometimes just posting helps to work out some of the craziness.

Bluemountains

[BlueInanna]

I think it sounds like a reaction to your father's death. That's a big deal, especially if you have memories of abuse there must be many emotions involved, that you probably reasonably want to avoid. You could call pdoc and say how manic you're feeling, and ask if there's a med adjustment you could do. I'm allowed to take my 2 klonopins at night when needed, for example - so long as I'm not drinking. Try not to drink, you know how it just makes all this **** worse. Good luck, keep posting.
hugs

Lots of . Writing is good, yup (note: take own advice! )
It certainly could be a reaction, there are years of emotion around the whole thing, and an event like this could trip your subconscious.

In reading your reaction, I can imagine myself responding similarly. One of the things I think I would feel is resentment. And for me that brings on snappish-ness and self-destructive behavior, probably because I personally don't address that topic at all well(!) Do you think resentment is part of the mix for you? Wondering on account of having obligatory duties that (guessing) you wouldn't mind having to do without.

I'm confident that you will get back on top of those bad behaviors. Just am. Sending good thoughts your way. Keep posting, ok?

[bluemountains]

You are right Blue and Innerzone. I think I am avoiding emotions as much as possible. I don't know if I will ever get the self-destructive behaviors completely under control. These seem to be as cyclical as my moods. Lately, though, I was feeling good in thinking I had better control. I am trying a little harder tonight. I went to a movie, limiting my time to sit at home and feel angry.
Bluemountains

[bluemountains]

I am failing miserably tonight.
Bluemountains