Bipolar??? (please give me your time)

Hi PsychCentral community. So, I've been having mental problems lately, and after weeks and weeks of research and trying to figure out what exactly is going on with me, I think finally have an idea. I think I might be developing bipolar disorder. I know an internet forum is no place for a diagnosis, I just want to share what I'm experiencing with you guys, and see whether or not you can relate to my symptoms, or if you think they sound like bipolar. I'd appreciate it.

I'm a college student (21, male) and incredibly busy during the school year. Too busy to really focus on my mental state, as I had so much going on. I will say that I had frequent bouts of night depression, but this had been going on for several years and by then I was just used to it. I had been attending summer school the previous summer, so this is really my first break in two years of non-stop school.

I found that in this period of inactivity, my previously smothered emotions and metal state caught up with me. I started to develop just flat out depression, rather than just the night depression I had been experiencing before. Or at least I thought it was depression. I wasn't debilitated by it, like I could still get out of bed and interact with people (usually faking like I was fine), however I just couldn't seem to focus or concentrate on anything and would often just lay on the floor or do meaningless tasks.

During these moments of depression I also felt/feel a decent amount of anxiety. I get irritable with people over incredibly small things, I have flashes of energy/anger, and generally feel restless. I could be happy if someone told a funny joke or something like that, and at times hanging out with friends makes me feel better, but I always experience happiness and anxiety together, with an undercurrent of depression. I didn't seriously consider the idea that I might be bipolar until now, as I like most uninformed people, had always associated bipolar with rolling ups and downs, which is the case for some but not the only way the disorder manifests itself. In addition I had always thought that the mania experienced by those with bipolar was always euphoric, so I really didn't entertain the idea that I could be bipolar.

Last night I learned about dysphoric mania, where one feels anxious and irritable rather than euphoric. I also learned about mixed episodes, where one experiences dysphoric or euphoric mania and depression at the same time. This seems to really describe what I've been going through. I had never previously experienced the dysphoric mania separate from the depression or had a hypomanic episode (at least I haven't been aware of it or just didn't consider it ). That is until last night.

Earlier that night I was with friends, which felt better than being at home alone, but I was still experiencing a mixed episode with dysphoric mania. When I got home, I started researching bipolar more and was reading about hypomanic and manic episodes, when I started to experience one myself, slowly but surely. The anxiety I was experiencing earlier with my friends increased, and I started to feel numb in places, body tingles, and hot and cold flashes. After an hour or so, I just felt plain energetic, and couldn't sleep. I didn't even really feel like I needed to sleep. My head and eyes where somewhat tired, but my body was completely alert and agitated. I began to feel the closest thing I'd ever felt to euphoric, but still with slight undercurrents of depression.

I ended up staying up all night, and by the time it was about 6:00 AM I felt GREAT. I felt like I could conquer the world. The past few months my head has been really foggy and I had even experienced on and off derealization. Everything was so blurry and unreal. This morning I felt so clear headed. The world looked crisp and clear, it was like my senses were on overdrive. I hadn't felt this good in years!

This was really great, but then I did something weird. Something VERY out of character for me. Like I said before, I'm 21, but you should know that I don't drink. I've only been tipsy off wine once in my life (which looking back, could have been a similar albeit milder episode), and that's it. Other than that, I had never touched alcohol. Get this. This morning, at 6:30 after staying up all night, I left my house, walked 30 minutes to a gas station, bought a $30 bottle of Absolut Vodka, walked 30 minutes back home, ate a small amount of food, and got drunk. ................WHAT?!?!?!

So yeah, I got drunk at 8:00 AM and just kind of walked about my house doing nothing but listen to music. Eventually I had too much, flopped my bed, and apparently passed out as I woke up at 2:30 PM. So I, after staying up all night in a hypomanic episode, walking an hour, getting drunk for the first time with hard liquor on no sleep and very little food, and then passing out for 5 hours, feel fine. I feel fine. A little weird, considering what I just did o_O, but I don't have a hangover or anything. In fact, I still feel kind of hypomanic. I feel like if I wouldn't have had that strange adventure, I would have just stayed awake feeling equally energetic. I could dance, hike, or something else like that and feel fine. Part of me regrets doing something so stupid and weird (the rational part) and wants to throw away the bottle and never do that again, but the manic part of me doesn't really give a ****. So overall I feel very, very strange. I'm also starting to talk really really fast.

So what the heck is wrong with me??? This is soooo out of character for me. The thing is, I over think everything I do (very ocd-ish), especially lately as I've been trying to analyze myself trying to figure out what I might have if anything. I'm skeptical and part of me thinks I made myself feel this way, and it isn't real. Like I hadn't had a full on hypomanic episode until the very night I happened to be researching them, that seems a little ridiculous to me. The feelings are real, but did I induce them myself? Is it possible to trigger a hypomanic episode by thinking about it a lot? Is this something someone with bipolar might do? Or am I just doing this because I want to find out what's wrong with me, so I self-fulfill having the symptoms of bipolar?

In addition to the dysphoric mania, mixed episodes, and now a hypomanic episode (?), I have rolling self-esteem where I feel really good about myself and then times where I feel ugly and worthless, periods of mental dullness and really creative thinking, and alternating periods of great optimism and pessimism.

So finally after spewing this all on you, I am wondering if I might actually legitimately have bipolar, or if I'm making it all up or just simply have something else. Does this sound reminiscent of bipolar to you guys? Am I just a hypochondriac? I read that early 20's is a common age to develop bipolar.

I had made an appointment at a clinic and had a mental health screening a month ago, but it was for depression mostly as I hadn't yet looked into bipolar. I actually cancelled the appointment because I would wake up thinking I didn't need a therapist, but then at night when the symptoms really kicked in I feel like I need one. Now I really think I need one after last night/today, and I'm going to make an appointment as soon as I'm done typing this.

I won't say yes or no here but 2 things stick out to me. Well three things. actually.

Seems like everything is happen to you after you read about it. That's the first thing.

If you do have BP, you are cycling very fast, which is entirely possible. But have you have long periods of depression or mania earlier in your life? I am sure it's also possible to have BP pop up out of no where, but most BP people seem to have some kind of hints from when they were younger. That's just an unprofessional opinion and assumption based on my limited knowledge.

Thirdly, the getting drunk doesn't mean a whole of of anything in this, imo. Yeah, you never drank before, but I would guess there are plenty of 20 to 21 year old college students that have done exactly what you did and it had no relation to their mental health.

It's good that you are getting it looked into with a professional, those are the people you need to see at times like this.

I agree with Robert. Mania/hypomania is a heck of a lot more than feeling okay after one night of missed sleep and getting drunk for the first time then sleeping it off.

Depression and anxiety disorders definitely can cause swings in your emotions like what your describing. So can letting yourself go because you're too focused on school.

You describe a lot of symptoms but, you're not describing experiences that I can relate to "bipolar".

Good luck.

Thanks, I really appreciate you taking the time to read and respond! Well, the thing is, I've had issues for a while now, but I'm just now starting to question whether or not bipolar could be the cause. I've had dysphoric mania and depression symptoms for a while now, but I don't think I've ever had a hypomanic episode until now.

I read that late teens early adulthood is typically when bipolar begins to manifest itself, and I have been feeling progressively worse over the past few months. Yeah, I did only start to have a hypomanic episode after I was reading about it, but I'm wondering if having a hypomanic episode was inevitable and I just happened to trigger it by obsessing about how I was feeling afterward.

As for the drinking thing, I know it may not seem like a big deal to someone who behaves like a normal human being and drinks socially, but me drinking is extremely out of character for me. Like if people I knew knew I did that, they would be so freaking weirded out. And it's not just the fact that I drank, it's that I walked miles to a gas station at 6 in the morning all the while in a hypomanic state. Like I wouldn't have done that if I were thinking normally.

I mean, it wasn't just feeling okay after a missed night's sleep, I haven't felt that good in a long time.

Do you think it could just be anxiety? I mean anxiety can be its own thing or a symptom of bipolar, so it's hard for me to tell. I guess the reason I'm thinking hypomania and not anxiety is I have waves of feeling good along with the restlessness. I don't think I would have gone on my morning adventure were I just anxious to be honest. I'm still feeling really sped up and its been hours.

I'm sure the quizzes here shouldn't be taken too seriously, but the questions are pretty straight forward on the bipolar one, and when I was finished it said that people who have answered similarly to me have been diagnosed with Bipolar I or II. That kind of reinforced how I was feeling, but at the same time I'm aware that many symptoms associated with bipolar are also common to many other conditions.

Anyway, I really appreciate your input! I don't want to go around thinking I have bipolar if I don't, but I also don't want to dismiss it if I do. Hopefully I can sort out things with the psychologist.

Okay... So it's 10:00 PM at the time of writing this. I'm still feeling high strung. My whole body feels pretty good. Like kind of warm with slight tingles?, but like, i don't know how to describe it actually. I've never been high, but it's how I would maybe imagine it to feel? Idk. I'm just checking in again to see if this sounds hypomania related or not. I also am still not tired. Sorry if I'm being annoying, I just want to try and put a name onto what I'm feeling if that makes sense.

Not to dampen your hopes for a solution to your mysterious symptoms, but I've raised four kids to adulthood and I'm a nurse who happens to have bipolar disorder.....yet none of those attributes allows me (or anyone else in this forum) to diagnose you.

TBH, you don't sound bipolar to me---you sound like a pretty normal college-age guy who may be over-thinking things. That's not unusual, nor is it necessarily a bad thing; but it does indicate some generalized anxiety that probably isn't pathological, but a normal part of growing up and realizing that you're about to face a big world full of uncertainty. And that can be scary!

Trust me: online quizzes don't really mean you have the disorder. I can take one quiz that shows me to be severely manic, and turn around and try another type that says I'm mildly depressed.....and neither one accurately portrays my actual mood at that time.

Seriously, son, you don't want to be BP. The diagnosis does have something of a mystique to it, seeing as how so many celebrities seem to be getting diagnosed with it these days; but living with it is a whole different ballgame. "Night depressions" and moods that change on a dime are not typical of this disorder, although they do happen to the rare person with the condition. Which means you need to be assessed by a professional psychologist or psychiatrist in order to find out what, if anything, is really "wrong" with you. Sometimes it's not even THAT easy......bipolar isn't the simplest illness to diagnose, and then they have to figure out what flavor you have, which can be a lengthy process.

Best of luck to you in dealing with the uncertainty you're going through.

You need to read this book - http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Three_Men_in_a_Boat - then re-assess yourself. Have a good laugh!

The thing I would key on is how long this stuff happens. I know you are saying you had an episode but the way bipolar works is not in episodes, but in months. Again, people can and do cycle quickly but I *think* (and others with more knowledge can correct me if wrong) almost all bipolar people will have much longer time periods of mania or depression even if they do occasionally have rapid cycling.

To me, just of what info you've given, it sounds like maybe you are stressed with something around you or maybe there is some sort of anxiety in your life (which you did say you had) that is amplifying your mood lately. I think something good for you would maybe be to journal every day or two and keep track of your moods. Maybe use a mood tracker like Optimism Online. Stop looking for answers on the internet and see what answers you have in yourself, as cheesy as that may sound. Journaling has been insanely helpful for me since I started about 2 months ago.

Bi-Polar people at first self medicate aka drinking and sometimes drug abuse. This is normal as it is a condition of Bi-Polar 1. I would say that you are defiantly Bi-Polar 1. The best thing you can do for yourself is seek professional help ASAP and get a diagnosis. Then start getting medication to help you deal with it as it can ruin your life and relationships.

You seem pretty intelligent. I would trust your gut and get in to see someone about your concerns before you do more stuff out of character. I don't know where you are from but here in canada if you go to the e.r. You can get a great team of specialists to helP identify the problem and get you started rather quickly on medications and possible groups to join. Good luck

Hi! Unlike most people here, I can actually relate quite well to you. I have a strange form of bp, lol. I have been dx'd with bipolar I disorder (but sometimes I feel that I fit better w/ bipolar II because I've never been fully manic. Pdocs are weird; I'd know as I want to be one ).

Anyway, I can relate to the fast cycling. This was what I was going through when I was first diagnosed; here is a post that I made that is very similar to what you are doing now; I think that you may find it informative. http://forums.psychcentral.com/showthread.php?t=174517

I personally believe that ultradian cycling (cycling within a 24 hr period) is a lot more common than most people, including MH professionals, believe.

As for whether or not reading about hypomania can induce hypomania in you...that's an interesting question that I've been asking myself lately. I found that some symptoms of mine intensified once I had read about others' experiences. For example, I had had suicidal thoughts before, but once I found out how common they were among bp sufferers, the sui thoughts got a lot more intense and frightening. It's almost as if I had discovered that it was "ok" to feel that way, and finally allowed myself to experience my emotions at their full intensity.

Your hypomania may have been genuine, but I think that it is more likely that it was induced. The interesting question is this: could a normal, non-bp person induce hypomania in themselves, or do you have to have a bipolar diathesis to "run" such a "program"? It could be argued that you have to be bipolar in the first place if you can make yourself hypomanic. I'm not diagnosing you (not a pdoc yet! ) but these are my thoughts.

You might also want to check out Jim Phelps's stuff; he is a pdoc who specializes in mood d/o's, and he does a good job of describing "lighter" forms of bipolar. Here is a link to his site: http://www.psycheducation.org/

Also, it is possible to be a functional depressive. That, again, is something that I can relate to. I never get so low that I can't leave my bed. I think that this may be age related for us. We're college students; the high school days with mother bashing us over the head with a figurative broomstick if we didn't get up and go to school are still rather fresh in our minds. We feel a stronger obligation to function than those who are older. Also, this disorder tends to worsen with age.

I don't know if you have bp or not; let us know what your pdoc says after you are evaluated! I've seen 4 pdocs, and three of them have dx'd me with bp of some form. (The fourth thought that I had "mood disorder not otherwise specified". Whatever that is...)

Or you may have a sugar sensitivity that mimics the highs and lows of some mild bipolar states. Are there other people in your family who have been hospitalized because of bipolar illness? It can be genetically inherited.

Try increasing your vitamin C each day for several days and see if things return to
normal. If they do, you might assume that you have some problems with the effects
of sugar ingestion.

Under any circumstance, see a psychiatrist to get a professional diagnosis, please.

Genetic

Well, I would't say I was self medicating, I just did it impulsively for no real reason other than that my brain decided I needed to go do that. I wrote this mainly considering bipolar II or cyclothymia, but I don't really think I have bipolar I as I don't think what I described counts as full blown mania. Thanks for your input though!

Thanks, that whole episode definitely motivated me to call and schedule an appointment with a psychologist. I actually did it the second I finished typing my initial post.

Hey thanks so much! Yes, I definitely have fast cycling rather than the week to month long episodes described by some other people in this thread. Yesterday only lasted 24 hours, and then I crashed and felt depressed and finally slept. Today, I was feeling pretty good. I went to a friends BBQ picnic and played some beach volleyball, when suddenly out of nowhere I felt like I wanted to break down and cry. It went away eventually, but it's kind of a scary feeling. Most people have said that my symptoms don't read to them as bipolar, so it's interesting that you say this. I'm just going to leave a diagnosis up to the psychologist when I go in and just try to honestly describe my symptoms the best I can. I agree with what you said about functional depression.

I think maybe I didn't describe my feelings well... because a lot of people responded made it seem like I described just being a little down and feeling pretty good. No, it wasn't like that. When I'm depressed I can't concentrate on anything and have no motivation and often just lay on my floor. I can still go out with people, but it's mostly to keep them from feeling bad for me or knowing that something's wrong. And I didn't just feel good yesterday, it was almost too good. I don't know, I was having tingling, numbness, hot/cold flashes, and a slight warm euphoria as if I were high, thought I've never actually been high.

I forgot to respond to BipolaRNurse. While I admit I can be a normal collage guy who over thinks pretty much everything, I feel like I'm experiencing legitimate symptoms that are not normal. When I'm around my friends and they're telling me I'm acting like I'm on crack and constantly asking me what's wrong even when I'm unaware I'm doing anything, I think that's a sign that something could be wrong. I'm not trying to romanticize having bipolar because I see celebrities coming out and saying they have it. I don't want to be bipolar, I just want to find out what's going on. But thanks a bunch for your first hand insight, I'm taking what you say to heart. I know perfectly well that I might not have bipolar disorder, I might have something else entirely or nothing at all, though I kind of doubt that one.

Thanks for the different angle, though I seriously doubt that's the case. I haven't eaten much sugar lately, and I've never really been effected by sugar in the past.

If you take an abnormal psych class in uni, they will tell you that it is so easy to diagnose yourself with disorders after you read about it. It's also easy to convince yourself of something after you've read about it. (I think this may explain the hypomania thing, I don't think it was real hypomania)

I had a "night depression" before, but it was often me falling apart at night after putting up a front all day, and it was prolonged, like you described. I would be fine enough during the day but by the end I would feel totally stressed out and break down. I had a lot of issues switching from home life to dorm life, too.

I have anger problems and a short fuse. Having a pet and being responsible for it + medication has seemingly helped with that.

You haven't really described a mix state or dysphoric mania. Or maybe it's more like a low-key form? Mixed states are always the most dangerous for me. I usually have energy to want to hurt myself and fairly depressed. It's not like I'm happy but feel depressed. I consider that a mild depression for me...but I'm also not bothered by occasionally having suicidal thoughts.

Yeah, I'm pretty sure I induced that episode myself. But I feel like if I were normal, I wouldn't be able to do that, even if it wasn't hypomania or if I'm not bipolar. That's interesting that you say that what I described doesn't sound like a mixed state to you. I often feel depressed, anxious, and sometimes happy all at once, which made me think it was a mixed state. It's hard for me to differentiate between anxiety and symptoms sometimes associated with bipolar. The general consensus seems to be that I probably don't have bipolar disorder, and if I do it would be lower on the spectrum like Secretum described. Thanks.

I think you're wrong.

It's possible to make people feel drunk when they haven't had alcohol if they perceive they have had it. What stops a person from feeling energetic if they feel like they have whatever it is.

It's possible to hypnotize people if they believe in it. (It doesn't work if you don't believe it can happen.) There is a lot the human mind can do in particular circumstances.

A lot of people who get mixed states often feel agitated and 'aggressive'. It's like being depressed but having energy to act out on the thoughts running through your mind. It's reported to be the most dangerous because people who feel suicidal have the energy to go through with it. Mixed episodes can be medicine induced too. Sometimes the medication does a really good job of ridding you of most mania, but not depression effectively, so that's why they prescribe multiple things.

I think at most you may come out of the appointment with something for short-hand maintenance that can help even you out, but I don't think you'll get a BP diagnosis. You should tell the pdoc you've looked into BP/Depression/Anxiety so they know you're informed. Try to describe how you feel as accurately as possible, but don't put a diagnosis/diagnosis state to it when you describe it. (This will change the doctors perspective, believe it or not) The doctor may see something we don't see.

BP can manifest itself in a lot of strange ways, but I never heard of someone having a manic episode after reading about it. If this were possible, a lot of us would be bookmarking the definition of mania just for a way to get out of these interminable depressions.

When you say bp is diagnosed in the 20, that is true. But for most of us, the symptoms start much younger and in milder forms. You don't mention depressions and manias in your childhood and teen years, or a worsening of any symptoms with age.

I don't think this sounds like a case of bipolar. It sounds more to me like you have problems with anxiety and are highly suggestible and need to quit researching and see a professional. Give them the facts and feelings, leaving out the psych terms, and let them come up with the diagnosis.