I see no way out

I really need some help
My meds aren't working effectively enough. I am in deep depression. Feeling suicidal. I look at my Boyf with hatred but I can't leave. He threatens to kill me and burn my house down etc. I have two children (not with him). I'm scared I might go for him but if I do I will have to kill him before he kills me. I am on tenter hooks. He's abusive, manipulative, and controlling. I live in a small town and he has people all over that can take care of business for him. I'm scared. I just want to kill myself. The police have him on an idap prog but he lies and says things are good just to get through the programme. I have a case worker with the police. I've told them how I feel but they can't do anything until he physically hurts me. He's on probation tho so he won't hurt me til he's off that. I want to run away and I would. I'd leave town but I can't leave my kids. Me and their father have shared custody. I don't know what to do. It's either kill him or kill myself. I'm not a murderer so it's likely il do myself. I've been thinking of what to put in a note to my family and of ways of doing it quickly and pain free. I can't see a Way out. I need help before its too late

Dont ever think of doing something so permanent, things will get better you dont have to kill anyone. Is there a way to ask your ex for help? You can always leave and come back to see your kids, or tell the police you fear for your life and that might have them check him more intensely. Just please dont talk like that I know what its like I think of it often myself but know that the feeling will pass, thats how I do it. Just go to the er is my best advice. Im worried about you, and know everthing will work out. But please get some help.

Can't you explain to your ex and take your children away with you? I'm sure he'd understand under the circumstances Even if it was just temporary!? It's no wonder you feel suicidal under those circumstances but pls remember your kids need you!! Can you get some medical help to help with how you're feeling? hugs

You must try to be strong and don't lose hope. I agree with asking your ex for help. I don't know your situation with him, but I get along ok usually with the fathers of my kids. Both of them have even stayed with me for a short time. Your other option is a women's shelter which would possibly be uncomfortable, but you could keep yourself and your children safe and get away from this asshole of a boyfriend. The shelter would probably help hide your identity since you are being abused by this man. Please be safe And go to ER if necessary.

My ex husband tried to kill me infront of my small children. It was the most terrifying moment in my life. But there is a way out, I promise, where no one has to get hurt. I fled through women's shelters with my children, no belongings. I didn't have to deal with their father because he is their father. You could explain to your ex and you need to make sure you and your children are safe. If it means leaving town than do so. Your life is way more important and your children need you.

Women's shelters can be very good. They are equipped to help you in all ways you need including legal council. They can help you find financial resources if needed, counselling, furniture if need be, pretty much anything you can think of. Most of all they can offer you and your children safety. Please don't be afraid to call a shelter an ask how they can help you. They can even transfer you from a shelter in your town to one in a different town.

Keep posting here too. Especially if it helps. We will support you though this and help in any way we can.

I can relate to what you've posted. Please - if you can do nothing else, go to the psych ER. Its better to be safe. Even if you still feel horrible, there are people there to help you and that's what it sounds like you need right now. I know I desperately needed it when I was in PER and they wanted to admit me.

I agree with everyone else - GET HELP!!! Don't let your boyfriend win this battle. Now is the time to fight for your life and for your children.

I know you said you couldn't leave because you would have to leave your children. At the same time you talk about 1) killing him 2) suicide, both of which will cause you to have to leave your children (jail or death). Perhaps you should talk to your ex about the need to leave temporarily, leaving the children in his safe care. Talk to someone in the program he is in and tell what is actually happening and then get away for awhile.