On top of the other, I'm having a meeting with "him"....

We've had many discussions about our relationship. This would be yet one more. I have not deleted it. I just can't send it yet. There would be a big hole left without any communication and that's what would happen. It feels like a death.

In bed. Having some chest pain from anxiety.

Thinking of you, I'm back from Alanon omg it was a bore tonight. Let me know if you're up xoxo

Gentle s Moose

Thank you Trippin and blue.

I'm waiting for my daughter's friend to show up. We were headed out to lunch but can't go until she arrives. She's late and not responding to texts or phone calls.

Lunch sounds nice Hopefully the friend has shown up by now.

Lunch was at Olga's. Way too expensive.

Plus I feel exceptionally fat today.

Why havent I sent it yet? I'm so afraid.

We used to have a panties store here called Olga's.

My guess (((Moose))) is that it is a signalling of the end of a long relationship. And this is not the ending you wanted. I'm sorry and I could be wrong. He could suddenly pull his head out his butt and make a commitment.

I just am missing him so much and I haven't sent the email.

Maybe I need to make a leap of faith. The worst it can get is he never talks to me again.

What about a printout of the letter and give to him in person, so that he has to give you a response, like make sure he reads it in front of you and responds? And you get a chance for closure. Or he could try to talk you into staying with him.

Sending you some ((( Hugs ))) and Love .... I hope you can decide what is best for you and your children.. You deserve Love and Stabilty!

He's been texting me. So hard. I replied but it's making the decision harder.

Just send it. He will then start talking you into staying which will open a whole another chapter. But he will talk to you. Trust me.

Deleted see below

I think you have written the perfect email to him ... Now send it.

This is the one I actually sent:

Dear [endearing name here]

I had a longer email written out for days. *I *have been thinking on this
every single day for a week and not sure about sending- editing and reediting.
Please take the time to read it fully. *(Hopefully at home.) *I hope
you see this
for what it is. *:-)

The bottom line is that I am worn out lately. *I have sat with you through
a divorce, dating other people, crying in a ball on the floor over others, and
general daily STUFF. *I have been your best friend and more.
I have loved you through things that most people would have run
and said, "**** you. Bye". *And now, I just am mentally exhausted.
I love you dearly.
Absolutely unconditionally. *And yet, its finally gotten to me that
I have not been good enough. I am not the soul-mate qualifications written on
sticky notes. I am not loveable just for being me. I know I have
disappointed you; I have been kicking
my own *** with what NEEDS doing this past week trying to ignore the negative
thoughts and just doing it.Just getting it together. For me. *I no
longer care if you think that's good
enough. *I no longer care if its on your checklist. *This is for ME. I
know you have given up on me. I used to think you
just had your own issues and i could love you anyway. That's been
harder lately I've watched you try to get your **** together and I've
been there every step of the way.
And I've cheered you on. I've seen you through all kinds of stuff and sat and
weathered the storm with you. *You hate your small apartment, and yet I
make jokes about our "dancing" in it, and needing a download of your route.
Your messy apartment where you have had a hard time starting to clean. I
offered my help. *Your taxes fear- I sat with you and helped with the
piles for the envelopes and more. *Oddly, these are fond
memories.Lately, I think, "Is it easier to be with Christopher or
not?" *And I still don't know the answer. *Its why I've been sitting
on this email
for a week.The reason I have been sitting on this email for a week is
because I love you.
I love you on so many levels. *It isn't because you're perfect. You're
not! But I love you
in spite of everything. *I want to help you through your troubles. I
don't have to tell you
about the closeness we've had during sex. *(And yes, the hormones make
it difficult
to see straight.) *But what I've discovered these last 5 months is
that the intimacy is
there outside of the sex. The love wasn't only in the sex. It was in
the wonderfulness of our hugs. *Though the fun giddiness of the
newness of our relationship has worn away long ago, *though our
imperfections are worn through thin and visible, *I can't imagine life
without you around. **I see you as my dearest friend. Of a type its
hard to describe.
Everywhere I go is either somewhere we've been together or next to it.
Every photograph I take reminds me of you.
Every time I am at the movies. *Every Saturday makes me want to go
shooting with Christopher. Every time my text messages go off, I
expect it to say "Christopher" and have ":-)" and "LOLOL" in it- *or
for your emails from Canada to be signed "Christopher Robin" -for it
to brighten my day and put a happy smile on my face. *I'm not saying
get away from me or that I'm going to be gone. *I'm just saying how I
feel. I have felt it for a long time. *Sometimes, I wish I didn't.
Writing this has been very very incredibly difficult. I worry about
sending it. *But I'm sending it anyway as I hope it is ultimately
helpful. *I just want you to be happy- my best friend.

Love,

Little J

I worry that he'll never talk to me again. See above.

Moose

Be strong with whatever you decide

((Moose)) it's a really good and honest letter. do you worry he'll see an easy out and split? i think your longtime friendship warrants a response, and you may have to make it clear that you expect one.

Blue, yes I do. I worry he'll see it- if he hasn't already by now- and split, go silent, or never talk to me again. I'm going to give him time to take it in.

I'm so nervous.

did you give it to him? hope youre ok