[AnneinLondon]

Hi out there. I'm new to this forum...but in need of some help. I've recently moved to England...this last year I went through a divorce, broke ties permanantely with my family because of past abuse, and am trying to make a new life here.

But I have never felt at such a low point. I was Dx with bipolar about 2 years ago, and they pumped me so full of drugs I didn't even feel like myself. I quit taking the drugs about a year ago, but now my moods are spiraling up and down like crazy and they feel so out of control. Just this morning my fiance came to check on me and it resulted in a crying fit...*sigh* It's so frustrating feeling like I'm on a never ending roller coaster. It's just so exhausting!

I'm searching for people out there to help and give me some guidance and suggestions on how you deal with being bipolar. Last thing I wanna do is get back into taking drugs. But I feel like I'm drowning...I don't know how to take control of this disease!

I just turned 29, have an exciting new life in London. I'm engaged to a WONDERFUL man who supports me (but doesn't quite understand what I'm going through). I have 2 college degrees and am pursuing another one at the University of East London. Have great friends, a bright future, but lately it feels like a chore to wake up in the morning and face another day. Does anyone else feel this way? I get so upset because I KNOW I have a great life, but I don't feel it inside. Could someone please help me? Thank you so much!!! x x x x <font color="#000088"> </font>

[niko851]

<font color="#00088">Hi Anne (hope that is your name) -

I TOTALLY can relate - as so can others I am sure - to exactly what you are going through....

I, too, was a victim of abuse; this was in more than one way as well... My father is Bipolar as well and lo and behold, he was the one who reaped the pleasures of abusing my sister and myself. I have cut all of them off, just as you did, all bcuz they are money-hungry and could care less whether I am dead or alive...

As far as the meds, these are important. I, too, hate having to be drugged up again; but I'm doing it for MY own good and my own well-being.... In all honesty, I really believe that its nothing but a trial and error with the meds... I'm sure others on here will concur with that statement bcuz it takes trying several meds, sometimes, just to get the right combination....

I'm 28, going on 29, and I WISH I had at least one person supporting of me - not financially per se, but just in general.... I really do not even have ONE person to trust and know will be there for me regardless... Eveyrone right now is against me and my housing situation is about to be terminated yet again due to my inability to work... Hell I'd give anything just to function 'nomrally' for ONE - Just ONE day... As we say, a moment at a time...

I hope this puts you at ease just a bit.. I know there is really nothing to say that would really make it all disappear, but know that you are far from alone. I'm glad you found this forum as this is what we are here for. I just hope that you will realize the medical necessity to possibly start (or re-start) taking the meds in order to better help you. Treatments are a must with this disorder....

You take care and hope to hear from you again... Also, welcome to the group as well. ~N </font>

[adeline]

I agree with all that Niko said about the meds.

One thing I'd like to add though is that instead of seeing meds as an all-or-none thing, you could try going on either low doses of meds, or try meds are less potent in general. Of course, both of these options would be less optimal than going full-on into a heavy dose of meds, but if you know that you'll be non-compliant with such a plan... it would be better to try to find some middle ground.

What meds were you on before, and for how long? Sometimes doctors try to bombard you with anti-psychotics to kill the mania, instead of doing a more gradual course of mood stabilizers and/or anti psychotics to stabilize you. In some cases this is necessary and prevents much harm, in others it's not.

If you are currently functioning without meds, you could probably opt for the latter option. But the longer you wait, the more likely you'll need the former. Good luck to you, I agree that meds suck.

Jessie

[AnneinLondon]

Thank you both for your kind words and support. It makes me feel SO MUCH better to be able to come to a place like this. I think I was trying to get away from my whole bipolar situation by keeping busy, and now that I'm settled in my new home, with my new life, I am finding all those old wounds finding me again and tearing me up inside.

First off, meeting my fiance, the first thing I did was tell him about my past. I advised him about my condition and also about my abuse. It's still so hard to talk about it, but I feel better facing the facts now that I'm older. I was sexually abused by my brother starting at the age of 12. He was the one who took my virginity, and the abuse continued for a couple of years. I attempted to tell my mother (who also suffers from mental illness), and instead of assisting me, she made me a sandwich and we never talked about it. My parents were divorced at that time so my dad wasn't around. They did eventually get remarried a few years later. We never ever mentioned my abuse again.

A few years ago I decided to have gastric bypass because (lo and behold!) I developed an eating disorder. But as soon as that avenue of keeping my past in denial was cut off, I found these past thoughts of abuse and my bipolar symptoms getting worse. That's when I decided to seek treatment. I was on Lexapro for awhile (my doc steady upping the doses to max allowed), then he switched me to Zoloft (again, steady upping the doses) and I also had chlorazapam prn. I was on Lexapro I think a bit over a year, and Zoloft about the same. I probably liked the meds cuz it did help my moods a bit, but the side effects seem to outweigh the benefits at any dose I was on. Does anyone else feel that way?

Anyway, I decided to confront my parents about all this denial of my abuse, and long story short, they cut off all ties with me. My father calls me an 'all out liar' saying he believes his son over me. He also likes to refer to me as 'nuts' and that I should be 'institutionalized' since I am so mentally defective. (When I separated from my first husband and traveled to England my father went to my ex and tried to have me committed) This treatment from my family and how they always manage to turn things as if it is my fault has not helped with my symptoms.

But I have successfully moved to England and I will be married in less than a month. The problem about me starting meds again over here, is that the medical system is SO MUCH different than in the states. For instance, in certain job applications, you must list medications and medical history. Since everything is on a National Health Service and not private insurance like America, my mental health situation will always call into question over here when I try to obtain employment. So because of that, I'm going to try and use therapy to help gain some control over how I feel. That's part of the reason I'm here on this forum to see if I can manage without meds. If I can't, I know I will have to go back on them. I'm pretty sure that's unavoidable, but I still wanna try.

In any case, my fiance has stood by me through all this, never judged me, never held anything against me. He's been a solid rock in my life (the first one I've ever had), and whatever mood I'm in he stays with me and helps me through it. He's started to read more about bipolar so he can help me as best as he can, and what he always says is: 'We will make it through this.' Him saying 'we' makes me so happy...I know I'm so lucky.

But every day is such a struggle. When you get so low, what do you do to try and get yourself out of that feeling? Does anyone have any 'tips' to work out when you are really in a low funk?

I appreciate all your help...reading my problems when you are dealing with your own...being there for someone who really needs your help. You've all made a difference already.

Thank you so much all of you ((((hugs))))

Anne. :-)

[ravenlee]

I have never used a chat room or whatever this is but i too am new to this site. i realize you had bad experiences with drugs but i have learned that it takes a very knowledgable psychiatrist and trial and error to find the right combination. there are many times i resent my medication for lots of reasons but i know that without them i am no good to myself or the people i love. so please reconsider. and good luck

[adeline]

Hi Anne!

I'm sorry to hear about all that you've gone through, and the failure of your family members to support you. It sounds like you have an incredible partner though -- that he's reading up on bipolar to understand and help you better is quite admirable on his part. What a good catch! You must be more stable than you think to have attracted such a well grounded person.

About the meds, from what you've listed it seems you were never given a mood stabilizer (just two antidepressants and an anti-psychotic). Anti-psychotics only treat the mania, not the depression... and without a mood stabilizer, antidepressants will cause more mania. The most important med for a bipolar person to take is a mood stabilizer; I've never heard of someone recovering without one.

I'm glad you're finding the forum helpful. The meds issue is an area that I've gotten alot of help and recommendations in, and I highly recommend asking how others responded to a drug (side effects and such) before trying it out yourself. Of course, people respond differently to the same meds, but in general there are some meds to stear clear of.

How does the legal system work regarding equal opportunities for employment? Ideally, you shouldn't be discriminated against because of having a mental illness. In weighing the pros and cons here -- even if employers do dicriminate against you -- how good would it be if you got a job, then were unable to keep up your duties because of mood swings?

Also, you don't deserve your mental well being to be compromised for a job. I'm sure lots of people in the UK have mental illnesses, and like Sezzie said, a therapy group might be helpful, too. You could at least get practical information on things like this.

Have a great Friday!

Jessie

[DaveyJones]

Hi, Annie!

I have to second what Jessie says--bipolar needs to be treated with mood stabilizers first, period. That is the foundation from which you can begin to build. While some may find some relief from antipsychotics and antidepressants, it's a crapshoot at best.

I also believe that therapy and peer support (a bipolar support group) are essential also. Trying to live a healthy lifestyle is the third leg of the tripod--regular sleep, excercise and a healthy diet are extremely important.

Take your time in recovery, as Jessie points out. You'll know when it is time to start mainstreaming again...take it slow, maybe work part time or temporary jobs for a while. Bipolar affects the way your brain handles stress; don't hit it too hard at first.

I wish you the best on your road to health, and welcome to PC. I hope you find this place as therapeutic as I have!

DJ