[idontlikesoda]

Hello, everyone.

My name is Yuumi and I'm nineteen years old.

I've never been diagnosed, but I feel like I might have bipolar disorder (or something similar to it, at least) because of what I've been experiencing. I would have depressive periods and overly energetic periods that alternate, to the point when it's annoying to others. I get periods of normal moods as well (that being me being neither depressed or too energetic), but they only last a maximum of three days. After that, I would either fall into a deep depression, or be very hyper. Usually the longer ones are the depressive states.

Both states are hard for me to control; if I do have any control at all, it's very little, especially during my depressive states. During those times I will usually have one random day when I'll just be extremely angry but depressed at the same time. During that time, I will usually have some sort of self-destructive rage and I would cry, scream, claw at myself and basically hurt myself anyway I can. They get worse as they come too.

I try to distract myself so people won't suspect that something is wrong with me. It's quite hard to hide and appear like I'm feeling normal (especially when I'm feeling very energetic, since my job involves sitting at a desk all day; it's my depressive states that usually gets me into trouble though).

Now, I live currently outside the United States. I like people in the country where I'm living right now, but I don't trust the business establishments; I feel like they're only going to get money off of me. My last encounter with a business establishment did exactly that, which I believe is what led me to become this way in the first place. Hospitals are still business establishments; you pay them so that they can treat you. However, since I don't trust them enough to seek treatment (or let alone, a diagnosis) and I don't plan on going to a doctor until I go back to the US in about six years.

Does anybody have any advice on how I can keep me from harming myself any further? I really hate whatever I'm going through right now. Any distraction/coping methods will help.

Thanks in advance.

~Yuumi

...any self harm is no good

but how bad are you hurting yourself?...it's becoming apparent to you whats building up inside has nowhere to go....but back inside again?

you seem to have a solid concept of the future...looking six years ahead...

I hope the self harm...that it's just a phase for you!

it's good you have decided to talk about it somewhere

when I was your age I never hesitated to hurt myself...I'm ok now but it still shook me up so the only advice I can offer is to hesitate...

DM

hello.

i do hope the self injury stops before you do something too bad

please keep talking to us

[Kahrey]

Hello Yuumi, I'm not much older than you, twenty-four, and my symptoms are very similar to yours. I wouldn't go to a doctor until a close friend worked at least a year to convince me to go.

I was very self-harming as a child, though no one knew, but I grew out of it. Recently, my suicidal thoughts have gotten worse and I have cut myself a few times as an alternative to committing suicide.

Despite your mistrust for the hospitals there, it couldn't hurt to give it a try. The worst thing that could happen is that they tell you there's nothing wrong. As bad off as I am right now, I am medicated and definitely better. If there's a chance of getting help, maybe you could try it out anyways.

As for the self-harming, there's just no point. It doesn't make anything any better. The feeling is just part of a cycle that is going to keep coming back. You have to learn not to give in to it. You're better than your illness. You can do it.

[hamster-bamster]

Please go see a doctor. The patterns you are describing are suspect.

[idontlikesoda]

Originally Posted by dubblemonkey

...any self harm is no good

but how bad are you hurting yourself?...it's becoming apparent to you whats building up inside has nowhere to go....but back inside again?

you seem to have a solid concept of the future...looking six years ahead...

I hope the self harm...that it's just a phase for you!

it's good you have decided to talk about it somewhere

when I was your age I never hesitated to hurt myself...I'm ok now but it still shook me up so the only advice I can offer is to hesitate...

DM

The self-harm has always been a compulsion for me if I'm not in one of my self-destructive rages. An image of me doing something I either regret or thought was stupid would flash in my mind and I would hit myself as punishment. I've had that problem since I was twelve; the random flashbacks started very early (I think I was about seven or eight) but I never did anything about it until I turned twelve when it finally got overwhelming. I never cut myself; I knew that if I did it would become too obvious. Instead I settled for hitting myself on the head or bruising some part of my body. I was very clumsy when I was younger anyway so if I had a bruise somewhere I can just simply tell my mom that it was an accident. Sometimes, if I was angry enough at myself, I would pinch some part of my body or dig my nails into my skin deeply, but not deep enough so that it would bleed (sometimes it did though; I didn't care as long as people wouldn't notice). At seventeen I started resisting the urges to hurt myself because I thought I was being stupid for doing it. Instead, I settled for flipping myself off. I hated doing that though, because even if I wasn't shouting vulgarities verbally, doing the gesture seemed just as bad. Because of that, I eventually just tried resisting my urges until they stopped. I don't know how, but two months ago I started doing it again. Sometimes I succeed in resisting the urges, but most of the time they get the best of me and I give in to them.

[idontlikesoda]

Originally Posted by Kahrey

Hello Yuumi, I'm not much older than you, twenty-four, and my symptoms are very similar to yours. I wouldn't go to a doctor until a close friend worked at least a year to convince me to go.

I was very self-harming as a child, though no one knew, but I grew out of it. Recently, my suicidal thoughts have gotten worse and I have cut myself a few times as an alternative to committing suicide.

Despite your mistrust for the hospitals there, it couldn't hurt to give it a try. The worst thing that could happen is that they tell you there's nothing wrong. As bad off as I am right now, I am medicated and definitely better. If there's a chance of getting help, maybe you could try it out anyways.

As for the self-harming, there's just no point. It doesn't make anything any better. The feeling is just part of a cycle that is going to keep coming back. You have to learn not to give in to it. You're better than your illness. You can do it.

Thanks for your encouragement.

Other than my mistrust of large business establishments (including hospitals), another reason why I don't want to go is because I can't do it without my parents finding out about it. My parents think what I'm going through is something caused by my fascination with dark things and my overall gothic lifestyle, when it isn't (I've been hurting myself since I was twelve; I didn't get into the gothic subculture until I was fourteen). My father practically thinks I'm crazy and my mother thinks I need to go to church (because my lack of faith in their god has apparently caused me to become this way). I can't afford to get myself checked on my own because I don't have insurance or my own income (I work at home, helping around at my parent's internet shop). If any of my family members find out about me seeking help about my condition, they're going to think it's absurd because "it's all in my head". Not a really good situation to be in, so I'd rather bear it as much as I can until I finish college, go back to the US, and get myself a job.

Sometimes people don't react the way we think that they are going to. I thought for sure that seeking help would end my marriage so I held off for years. But I was wrong, and you might be too. It turns out that my wife was the one who encouraged me to go in the end, and it might just turn out that your family would be the same way.

just something to think about.

[Victoria'smom]

Can you make an appointment and fly back here for a week to get dx'd and treatment or through a crisis center? I assume you occasionally visit family maybe you can schedule pdoc appointments around then. Even if appointments are over the phone at least it's something until you get back.