[catrules]

It is hard for me to reach out, but I am struggling tonight. It's been a while since I have felt this way, and I am not used to talking about the negative feelings. I usually try to spend my time helping others with their troubles. But I cannot sleep and I'm feeling overwhelmed and I am thinking about things that I don't want to think about. I know that much of this is due to the fact that I have been out of some of my meds for over a week due to money issues. Seems that my docs have conspired to put me on all name brands which is getting expensive. But that is no excuse. I know that meds are a priority and I have not been making them that lately.

I get feeling better, and then think that I can take on more than what I should, and I think that I have done that now and am paying the price. I make promises to people then feel that I have to follow through on them whether it is healthy for me or not. I hate the hypomania that convinces me that I am superwoman and that I can do more than what I know in reality that I can do. This illness is ridiculous in the highs and lows. Sometimes I wish that I would just stay low so that I would not do what I do. I don't even know if that makes any sense.

I get so angry at bipolar. And if I can express that anywhere, I guess I can express it here. Please be kind and don't lecture me about the med issue. I am doing that to myself enough. Going to the pharm to pick up after the holiday tomorrow.

Zero lecture on meds from me. What a hypocrite that would make me. Completely understand that one.

I also understand making promises and commitments to others at the expense of ones self. That's a hard thing to change, especially if you are a giver. Even more so if you are a giver who was taught that doing other wise would be selfish and selfish is very bad. I was pretty much taught that. You see that it is a problem for you, so just baby steps then right? Try saying no, even just to one small thing, probably will feel awkward and bad, but maybe good after? After you see that it was a good choice, you can start to feel good about honoring your own needs as well. Honoring ones self starts to feel pretty good once you get used to it. I think a lot of us were never taught to feel comfortable doing it.

This illness is ridiculous, yup! It is, like you have to become a pro surfer just to stay afloat, not even talking about standing on the surf board even.

I hope you can reach out more when you need support, can hardly just give give give and not get burnt out.

EDIT:

Just to get some ideas going, maybe what you could do to distract from some of these thought till your meds are sorted. Nothing wrong with having negative thoughts, but sometimes you know how it goes, we spend too much time there and the whole ship starts to sink. What are some things that you like to do, or some that you could do?

Sometimes I'll play mahjong online, or work on a puzzle ( old fashioned cardboard kind ), I'll even grab one of my kids colouring books and just colour, knit, read. Something that I can do without too much stress over doing.

orrr venting is always good too. Bipolar makes me pretty angry sometimes too.

[catrules]

Thanks for the response. I have been a social worker my whole life, so it is ingrained. It's just that when I am up, I think "I can do this" and then I go back down and realize what I have gotten myself into. How can my brain do that to me over and over again. I have no problem saying no sometimes. Just cannot seem to remember it all of the time and I get myself into trouble.

Yes, oh wow, then probably even more so for you! You are a professional giver!!

I get that, I just did get myself in over my head and to pull back some on something I didn't want to. But it's for the best, and there will be other times. When you're up, it's all up for grabs. I am slowly starting to be more mindful of what exactly is on my plate.

Kinda reminds me of a show I watched last night, it was about hyper parenting, off topic, but bear with me. It was talking about how we are raising kids to be in a race for perfection. They have forgotten how to even slow down. They were teaching the children yoga and meditation just to teach them how to relax. Something that should come quite natural in childhood. Anyways, I thought it was kinda interesting, we are a bit of hyper doer's. Bipolar up's are the best example I can think of to show extreme hyper doer's.

The doing it over and over part, well cause when you are up you really do feel like you can do it all. Can't quite see right, and the full plate maybe looks like it still has room for a few more helpings. Practice I guess, like everything we do. We always have practiced things we have gotten good at, just by continually keeping on trying. Eventually we will get better, maybe not perfect, but much better.

Oh Catrules,

Is there one thing you might be able to pull back on, that would help relieve some of the stress?

[creativelight]

Originally Posted by catrules

Thanks for the response. I have been a social worker my whole life, so it is ingrained. It's just that when I am up, I think "I can do this" and then I go back down and realize what I have gotten myself into. How can my brain do that to me over and over again. I have no problem saying no sometimes. Just cannot seem to remember it all of the time and I get myself into trouble.

That happens to me and I don't think that's bipolar reaching out. I think it's your personality and what you do. I used to be a social worker but just eligibility for state services no taking children. I never said no because I'm wired to want to help others. I feel compelled to help out and then realized I really didn't want to spend my energy on that. But I've had a hard time saying no since kindergarten! Or before! I think is something that can be worked on.

[Kahrey]

Originally Posted by Anika

I also understand making promises and commitments to others at the expense of ones self. That's a hard thing to change, especially if you are a giver. Even more so if you are a giver who was taught that doing other wise would be selfish and selfish is very bad. I was pretty much taught that. You see that it is a problem for you, so just baby steps then right? Try saying no, even just to one small thing, probably will feel awkward and bad, but maybe good after? After you see that it was a good choice, you can start to feel good about honoring your own needs as well. Honoring ones self starts to feel pretty good once you get used to it. I think a lot of us were never taught to feel comfortable doing it.

I agree 100%. I was taught selflessness, and doing anything for myself was kind of unacceptable. As I've gotten older and spoken to people, they seem to think that constant self-sacrifice and giving of oneself is pure crazy. I'm finally starting to make decisions for myself and it feels so much better, actually.

[creativelight]

Glad you are doing that! It's a work in progress!

[BlueInanna]

hope you're feeling better catrules... i've had to learn the hard way too what you're describing... i'm still having some trouble with some friends and family. when i'm manic i'm all energetic and there for everyone, then when i'm down they expect it. and i end up feeling like i'm not taken care of.

catrules, my fellow Bunnymen fan ... Reach out and vent away. No lectures. I have that "have to" thing too. Honestly, the trouble it causes... sheesh. I'm glad you are reaching out and know how hard that can be to do. And how confident we can feel and then have the BP go and rip it right out from under us. So very much there with you. When you say, "How can my brain do that to me over and over again."... so true! So frustrating! I'm kicking myself right now over such a thing where part of my brain (a BIG part!) was warning me I was overreaching. So what'd I go and do? It was even telling me, you know?! And still. And to top it off, being overconfident, "Well, yeah, might be a bit destabilizing", minimizing it, just to have it come back and say, "Oh yeah? Watch this!" It is so super frustrating to keep thinking, "when will I ever learn?!" Try not to go too hard on yourself about it. (Do I look hypocritical in this statement? Lol.)

Grrrr, BP! Grrrr!

Hope you are feeling better soon, catrules, and don't hesitate to take to the keyboard for whatever it takes to get you through it. 'Cause you know we're all for that!!!

[Vigodits]

Just a thought, ask your pharmacist for generics. They can make a switch. Your medical professionals work for you. They can be every bit a lunkhead as any other vendor. I know it is hard to find replacements. I fired my pdoc of 11 years. His reticence undid 10 years of hard work and sent me back almost to the beginning when I was diagnosed. So I am in limbo as I search., Problem is I am so darned depressed that it is hard to find the impetus to make calls.
Oh well 'nuff about me.

Are you in the WPIC system? Can't tell what end of the state (Pa, not madness ) are your in?

[treehugger727]

Originally Posted by catrules

It is hard for me to reach out, but I am struggling tonight. It's been a while since I have felt this way, and I am not used to talking about the negative feelings. I usually try to spend my time helping others with their troubles. But I cannot sleep and I'm feeling overwhelmed and I am thinking about things that I don't want to think about. I know that much of this is due to the fact that I have been out of some of my meds for over a week due to money issues. Seems that my docs have conspired to put me on all name brands which is getting expensive. But that is no excuse. I know that meds are a priority and I have not been making them that lately.

I get feeling better, and then think that I can take on more than what I should, and I think that I have done that now and am paying the price. I make promises to people then feel that I have to follow through on them whether it is healthy for me or not. I hate the hypomania that convinces me that I am superwoman and that I can do more than what I know in reality that I can do. This illness is ridiculous in the highs and lows. Sometimes I wish that I would just stay low so that I would not do what I do. I don't even know if that makes any sense.

I get so angry at bipolar. And if I can express that anywhere, I guess I can express it here. Please be kind and don't lecture me about the med issue. I am doing that to myself enough. Going to the pharm to pick up after the holiday tomorrow.

I get angry at bp too. And at being overwhelmed. Both make me a little poopy.
And I get mad when I can't be superwoman. I am sorry that you had a rough night. I do have to thank you for your openness, though, because you are giving me some comfort in knowing that I am not the only person to have ever felt like this. (Even though this is not about me, I wanted to share)
THere is likely nothing I can contribute to assist in making things feel better but I appreciate your transparency and honesty. So there's that. Here's to getting some zzzzzz's tonight.

How are you doing today, catrules?
Sending good thoughts...