Am I being manipulative?

I am really looking for feedback.

I wrote a draft of a letter to D. and sent it to my former teacher who knows him. The subject line is "remorse". I will paste the draft below. I asked for her advice. She was NOT impressed with the letter. She said that it contains only words of pity and no words of love. And that D. would be thrown into self-pity upon reading my letter.

So now my choices are to send it "as is" despite negative feedback from someone I trust, add "the words of love" or send no letter at all. The thing is, right now I feel nothing. I feel emotionally numb after what I have just been through with my ex. So I do not believe in my own words. But I do recall that as lately as several weeks ago I was having my signature spontatenous orgasms from mere thoughts about D. That means something, does not it?

So my question is - if I go back in memory to the time when I wanted to be with him and write a letter from that standpoint WHILE FEELING NOTHING NOW, am I being manipulative or not?

Ok, with that preface, here is the letter as is, and my plan was to send it once he makes the final decision to come (he still has to arrange for care for his elderly mother so things are still up in the air):

"There is something important that I have long been wanting to tell you and now seems a good time. This is something that I want to tell you orally in person, but am not sure that you would want to hear it. So that you can have a choice whether to hear me or just do the planned sightseeing, I have decided to state it in written form. If you do not want to hear me, just do not reply to this email - I will understand.

Some time ago I started feeling remorse and I am now in pain when I remember how I treated you when we were young. When I read your poetry dedicated to me, I feel joy, but also shame - I feel that its addressee was an unappreciative b***tch. So when you come I would want to give you a hug and a kiss for the poems, realizing that I did nothing to deserve them.

Once you were with me and K. (H-B: my would be first husband) came I started kissing him in your presence. I see that image every day. And now I feel sorry for you. Retroactively. Back then, I did not feel sorry. Had I felt sorry back then, I would not have behaved that way. No, back then I took pleasure.

Unfortunately I have never known how to treat love humanely, with care, and that ultimately led to the demise of my marriage - I tortured my second ex who loved me very much. You even know a bit about it (H-B: he knows of one near-affair).

I remember how I came back from Germany having spent time with B. (H-B: first bf) and told you to back off because I, literally in those words, am "another's woman". And right now I very much want you to forgive me these words.

(H-B: when I was with my composer bf - the one who would later commit suicide - I had a fantasy of dragging D to look at my having sex with the composer. Fortunately, it was just a fantasy, he does not know about it so I do not need to ask for forgiveness in THAT regard).

I am really glad that I can do something good for you now (H-B: I am planning all his trips, booking flights and hotels and everything, he brings cash to cover my credit card expenses). I will find the best flight connections and take care of everything."

So now my teacher suggests adding words of love. What I can think of is as follows:

"And now everything is different. Now I want to be not cruel and torturing but soft and warm, caring and protective, loyal and committed, loving and tender. Will you accept it or will you stay away because I have taught you so? (H-B: these are words I know to be good; I do not FEEL anything NOW). Etc. etc. - there are some words I can think of, but I am devoid of feeling.

???

I don't feel that you need to show examples. Just a "I'm sincerely remorseful for all the pain I have put you through and hope you can forgive me." along with the rest of your letter

MM, let me make sure I understand. You are saying - remove the examples, keep the rest of my letter and introduce the sentence you have put together for me. Right?

I agree, do not use examples . Doing that is like teraing open old wounds. You said he has PTSD right. That might not be the best approach in this situation. It might just fuel his hurt,anger etc .

Maybe you can wait to send this letter or write this letter when things are not so fresh right now, and you are not so numb?

Hamster if you really do want to write and send a letter, just go from the heart. He knows whats been done, so no need to use examples.

I would write about how I feel now, about being remourceful, sorrow, and acceptance. I would write about your intentions and make it clear, your intentions about what you want. And how you are working on self love and forgiveness of ones self.

Scince he told you that he wants you to detach from him. Maybe writing a letter at this moment isnt the best way to show him you understand and respect what he has asked for. Maybe it would be better to show him with actions instead of words .

And if you are feeling nothing right now, then maybe it would be better to wait on this untill you are feeling something . I have a feeling he will see this letter as a way to manouvre around what he asked you for.

What is your gut telling you about this letter Hamster?

If you don't feel anything, don't pretend that you do. You'll regret it later. It won't give you the 'payoff' you seek later, it would be like having someone else write a letter for you. You have to be the one who writes it.

Remorse is an emotion, like anything else, subject to change at a moments notice. If all you want it to be purged from guilt, then watch porn and eat ice cream to feel better.

Writing a letter shouldn't be about creating a magic spell that will fix everything. Very few things in life are superficial enough to get fixed in one fell swoop. If you really want to fix it, it will take hours, countless words, countless actions, and trying to make it up, by proving you're a better person. From that perspective, it doesn't really matter what you say in THIS letter. It will just be one of a billion things you do to make everything up to this person. You have to *want* to be this person's friend. You have to *want* to give love to them; the kind of love necessary to feel the actual, genuine remorse that you say you feel. Otherwise, you'll be constantly trapped in the ambivalence of just staying friendly enough to not repeat past mistakes.

Do you really want this?

I'm not saying use that sentence but you can if you want. It was an example.

No, my ex has PTSD. This is to my friend - a different guy. He is mentally well. He works as a psychiatrist - a bit like my ex used to be a psychologist but that is where the similarities end. But even though he does not have a PTSD, I see how bringing examples serves no useful purpose.

Yes, I do.

Oh I see, sorry Hamster, I misunderstood. Thanks for clarifying that.

Then I would say it doesn't matter what you send. Assume that this is just the olive branch. View it as an olive branch. Don't put anything it that doesn't need to go in it. If he responds positively, great. If he doesn't, at least you sent out that olive branch.

You can't go back and undo everything that was done. Whatever negative emotions he has towards you, you earned that through months years. One letter is not going to make a difference. You have to know that going in.

That's how I would view it, but I'm a f'd up person.

"Olive branch" is a nice metaphor. I will definitely remove the examples. And I will probably stop there, I would not go as far as expressing tender feelings. This would be better said in person.

I agree about removing the examples.

Let it all fit under the umbrella of the apology without drudging up specific pieces of the past.

Wouldn't it help the healing that way, rather than reopening the wounds?

Redrafted and sent to my former teacher for feedback. We will see what she says.

So I got rid of the examples and inserted "and now things are totally different, now I want to be loving and tender. Will you accept it or will you say that it is not timely? I do not know..." and in that shape my former teacher approved of the letter. I myself am not sure of the insertion. It is not about the manipulativeness - I am not being manipulative, I am telling the truth that I WANT to be loving (which does not mean I am), so it is water-tight truth-wise, I am just thinking that it may be too much.

What do you guys think?

Hamster, maybe these things - apology, not dragging out every hurtful detail - could wait to be said in person? I think it's good to wait on a decision for a serious matter, and the time is still close with the incidences with the ex.

Why do you want to apologize to him right now? Sorry if i missed something, i try to keep up, but been a difficult time lately. Did he express his hurt over the past recently or bring up the subject to you? Or do you want to know right now if he will reject you so you could avoid that possible future pain?

He has recently, only once, mentioned what a dark time it was. So there was one mention. Other than that he has been playful and happy - no evidence of hurt feelings.

On my end, I wanted to see if he even wants to talk about it. So in my draft I am saying that I realize that he does not owe me anything, including listening to my words of remorse, and if he does not like the subject he can just skip replying and I will understand.

But I see that I can simply wait.

I am presently engaged in a conversation with him about how one of my cats scratched me badly when I tried to apply the flea treatment. So he does not suspect I have something serious to tell him.

Well, I have to make a decision between now and tomorrow. He has made arrangements for his mom's care and will be coming to the States. I am thinking hard...

You must be very excited! This could be so fun for you!

I have a migraine - got dehydrated at an office bbq party where only soda (which I do not drink) was served. Dehydration causes migraines just ilke that. And I am worried because I am moving on the 30th (this includes the ordeal of locking two cats in one bathroom for the duration of the move and having the third cat spend time with a volunteer from the local cat rescue agency because he is not that friendly with the other two cats to safely let them stay in one bathroom for hours) and he is arriving, most likely, on the 1st - back to back. But I already told him that I will be unpacked. With the migraine and the worries about the move, I am yet to feel the excitement, but I am sure it will be coming.

I have decided against writing to him. It would be cynical to do so. I have no feelings. I do not FEEL remorse. I only realize, on an intellectual level, that I SHOULD feel remorse. And that realization is already an advancement for me. I might print out the letter and give to him in person, though, if I start feeling that way and there is an opportune moment.

I sent the letter! His response was "Sure, thanks". Not too bad. And he has changed his plans - he will first visit his friends in San Diego and then in a week arrive at SF, giving me some time to unpack. So things are all right!

That's great Hamster! I'm glad things are working out for you. I know, for me at least, when something finally works out, it sometimes feels like winning the lottery