[Clinte89]

Just as it began a few days ago i guess five days now I thought this ride was over that this cycle would leave me. I thought with hope that the depression would leave and I would have no more symptoms of mania. I thought I was back to being of again but as I type this here I know that is not true. I sit here depressed again for an unknown length of time. It amazes me each time because like a fool I think of these feelings have passed Im myself again no more jumping around no more sleeping all day. I was a fool.

Im disgusted with myself I don't want to be around myself but damn the luck here I am. I hate myself, i have nothing to offer anyone I have done nothing over the past 23 years that deserves any merit. I have gone no where in life I lost the only job I ever had and really loved because of my over reaction to things and days missed. I just one day snapped and next thing i know life would never be the same. Yeah I had been depressed before but not like this december 8,2011 I lost all the marbles. I lost the girl I still love on november 22, 2011 she asked me to get help 2 months into the relationship I should have done it cause things may have been better be today.

From this seat I can over look all the beauty out of my window everything is grey and lonely and sad. Nothing is happy nothing is colorful nothing is worth doing. Not even school Im trying my best but I seem to be failing miserably I doubt Ill ever have a degree or ever amount to anything. Im a nobody and washed up looser. Imagine what growing older will lend to me even more disappointment and sorrow. People often say things get worse before they get better but they dont apparently know what depression is like if it gets much worse how can I handle it. Thanks for letting me feel sorry for myself for a minuet. I hate that also I feel a need to go woe is me and be such a cry baby. FML

This is a song for anyone
With a broken heart
This is a song for anyone
Who can't get out of bed

I'll do anything
To be happy
Oh cause blue skies are calling
But I know that it's hard

This is the last song
That I write
While still in love with you

This is the last song
That I write
While you're even on my mind
Cause it's time to leave
Those feelings behind
Oh cause blue skies are calling
But I know that it's hard

I don't think that it's the end
But I know we can't keep going
I don't think that it's the end
But I know we can't keep going

But blue skies are calling
Oh yeah blue skies are calling
Oh blue skies are calling
But I know that it's hard

[polar_bear1]

beautiful poem. Hope you feel better tomorrow. Life always gives us a second chance- it´s called Tomorrow! hugs

[Clinte89]

That is Blue sky's from Noah and the whale I posted their link they are awesome. And everyone says there is tomorrow but that feels to far away.

Clinte buddy....

you know that part of mania ...a huge part is ....?

deep emotional efforts to erase failures accidently achieved during depression!

and...it's pretty full on to call failures ....achievements!

but this is the nature of depression....the more I f.ck up the more ****** I am!

...and I'm as ****** as they come....clumsy human mess...nasty upset!

the ride is never over....the ride is life...forgive me....you know this...

better to get thrown from the vehicle?....

or held tight by the ultimate racing harness?

thats what mania attempts to do and succeeds...psycho-illogical beast that it is.

hurts like hell Clinte...and "broken hearts' don't even fit in!....except thats what makes us be so careless and mania keeps us alive....what a deliberate prick of a thing!

it's survival instinct for the bipolar he or she....

you gonna ride....just try relax in the seat buddy....

[Clinte89]

Yeah your right the ride is life and sometimes it's a bit to bumpy for my tastes oh well I suppose. I just wish it would all go back to normal like before all the drinking before all the bad thoughts and attempts before everything. Just back like in highschool those where good days.

Originally Posted by Clinte89

Yeah your right the ride is life and sometimes it's a bit to bumpy for my tastes oh well I suppose. I just wish it would all go back to normal like before all the drinking before all the bad thoughts and attempts before everything. Just back like in highschool those where good days.

yeah they were...didn't have to think much I spose

[~Christina]

Clint ! Its ok to feel sorry for ourselves at times ..It allows all the pent up nonsense to get the hell out of our bodies and minds...

Personally when Im really really depressed I stop wanting everything to be better right now and being disappointed when it doesn't happen.. I have started wanting small things ..Like the energy to shower get dressed,and go outside .. Or fix myself something to eat or *gasp* drive to town to grocery shop .. etc etc . the small things start to turn into bigger things

Be kind to yourself and things will indeed improve.

[Clinte89]

I just want this stuff to go away I think looking back to the past doesn't help me at all I just get even more down. It's something I do all the time and its no good. So I just need to stop it.

[BlueInanna]

sorry you're depressed hun it is part of life, but worse for bipolar person. we really do feel things more intensely, just how it is, meds only change it so much. seems for me, if i wait it out (careful not to self destruct on alcohol or anything, please be safe), ride it out like the choppy surf, like a ****** wave, then eventually some energy level, hope, aspirations do return. you kind of have been rapid cycling, so the good feelings could be back sooner than you think. hang in there buddy

[Clinte89]

Thanks everyone, I'm glad I have people who support me and understand. I'm doing better now which is good as I have to work tomorrow.