[Elegant07]

So I will try to keep this from being too long but still get all the needed info out. I'm new to the forum and looking for input from both the spouses of someone who suffers from BP as well as those who suffer from it as well

My wife and I have been together for 10 years and married for almost 4 years. She has been diagnosed with BP type 2 the entire time. The docs say she doesn't have a severe case and her lows seem to be much much worse than the highs. When we met, she was medicated and in talk therapy once a week. I can't remember why, but she stopped both. She lost her job because she stopped showing up. It was then that I convinced her to get into a study (no insurance since she was jobless). The study meds seemed to help quite a bit, but once the study was over, she didn't have access to meds again. She made a career change, thinking her old job might have been a trigger, and once again had benefits, but it took almost another year before she saw a doc again and got back on meds. That lasted less than 6months before she took her self off. I can't remember if she tried again between then and this last time. But now she has been seeing a doc for the last year and is back on meds but they are having a hard time finding the right mix. She is doing a little better, but not much. She is still refusing talk therapy, just sees the doc, they talk about meds and he changes the script.

She has told me in the past, when she was in college, that she had attempted suicide twice but friends stopped her. She says that's not a problem anymore, she was just young and stupid, but I do worry about that.

On top of her issues, I suffer from major depressive disorder, but I am medicated and the meds seem to do the trick for the most part.

Now for the infidelity, 3 years ago we were having marital problems as a result of me working on the road a lot and not being home. Once I realized how unhappy she was about it, and that she was considering a divorce, I quit that job. Within a week of being home, I walked in on her "playing" (if you will) with a guy friend of hers through text and phone. He lives on the opposite side of the country. I was devastated. I did not tell her to stop talking with him then, I know I should have but we were having problems and she really doesn't have a lot friends, but I did tell her that had to stop. We kept working on our marriage and 6 months later, she decided that she shouldn't be talking with him.

About 7 months ago, I found out they were talking again. I was furious. She swears up and down they are just friends and it wasn't like before. I told her then that he needed to not exist in her life. He was a problem before and I didn't want her communicating with him any more. She said fine.

1 1/2 months ago I found out they were talking yet again....a lot. We fought about it...I told her I didn't know if I could open myself up to her again and that this might be it, since she has now broken all trust. She kept saying it was just friendly chat, so I asked to see her phone. It wasn't friendly chat. One message she sent him that stands out was something like "took a nap today. Thought about you when I fell asleep, but no dreams. Will try again tonight"

So we've gone to a couple marriage therapy sessions, but the therapist said my wife is already doing everything possible to rebuild trust and that the sessions will do us no good until I figure out if I wanna be in the marriage still. So the recommendation is that I start individual therapy, which I have my first appt booked.

So I guess here's what I'm hoping to get some insight on:

1) is infidelity common in BP spouses? If so, does that make it right?

2) does bipolar get worse as you age? Is it progressive? Can BP 2 become BP 1?

3) does multiple cycling of being on meds then off then back on make it worse?

I kinda feel like a door mat at this point because for 10 years I feel I've been pretty supportive about the whole thing and its like this is the thanks I get. I know it probably makes me sound like a bad guy, but we are both fairly young (early 30s) and I kinda want to know if this is all I have to look forward to or is it time to move on? Ya know.

Any input is helpful. Thank you!

[Victoria'smom]

is infidelity common in BP spouses? for some
If so, does that make it right? nope. It also this does not seem to be a "BP infidelity" situation.

Does bipolar get worse as you age? Is it progressive? Can BP 2 become BP 1? I think BP changes with age

Does multiple cycling of being on meds then off then back on make it worse? Cycling does make BP worse. It has to be up to her to take the medication.

[Passion222]

I am so sorry all this is happening to you guys. Being BP is very tough for both people in marriage and from my own experience, I have never been able to be faithful and I am BP. I don't blame BP. I just don't love my husband but stay for kids. BP people are supposedly promiscuous at times and go through cycles of this. Not sure if she's cycling or if she truly can't let go of this other person mentally. I personally think there might be more to this than BP but I'm not a expert. Just knowing myself being BP, I do crave the affection and love which I don't get at home. No i dont think its right at all. Theres just reasons all of us stay married. Do you think she is "in love" with you? Do you feel her love?? Sorry to be so personal on this. I'm just a woman that can relate. My husband has caught me and we've counselled and things never change. I don't know if it gets worse with age. Maybe BP changes with hormones as we get older, adding to a harder time controlling the rapid cycling. Individual therapy has helped me alot and I hope it helps you too.

[BlueInanna]

is infidelity common in BP spouses? for some - i agree

If so, does that make it right? nope. It also this does not seem to be a "BP infidelity" situation. - i agree

Does bipolar get worse as you age? Is it progressive? Can BP 2 become BP 1? I think BP changes with age - i think so too, it can turn into bp1.

Does multiple cycling of being on meds then off then back on make it worse? Cycling does make BP worse. It has to be up to her to take the medication. - i don't know anything about this, stopping and starting meds.

i don't really feel sorry for you, you've known she had bp for 10 years. i guess you didn't know you need to learn about it. but sounds like the trust is broken for you and you've grown apart. your therapist can help you sort out what you want to do, stay or go.

[Passion222]

I agree that you should really not blame BP so much. That's not the only thing making your marriage the way it is. Therapy will hopefully give you some answers. Good luck :-))))

[Trippin2.0]

Infedelity is part of bp cycles for some sufferers, yes. However, this does not appear to be your wife's case... If she was cycling, pissed off that you were working away AND hypersexual, the 'bp thing' to do would be to go get rid og that sex drive with some guy. Not send provocative messages to someone who's even further away than your husband. Buuut, thats just my opinion, I killed my hypersexuality symptom early, got enough sel f-loathing going on! Good luck tho, and welcome.

[Crazy cat lady]

I sympathize with your situtation, and I understand what you're going through. I am bp, together with my husband for 9 years, and close to 30s. We also went through a very similar situation.

My previous boyfriend was pretty much toxic. And he didn't go away right away. He left threatening messages on my phone about dropping an engine on my car. I had to get a restraining order. He followed my husband from the college one day and tried to wreck him in the car. Just bad news all around. That was years ago, and when he found me on facebook, I thought maybe we were old enough to move on and possibly be friendly towards one another. I forgot that I had promised my husband that I would never talk to him or his friends again. We started talking on facebook, then texting. Just kinda getting caught up, completely harmless. He suggested meeting up somewhere in person, I didn't see any harm in it. My husband didn't like it at all. Turns out, he didn't want to be just friends. The whole situtation was hard on my husband. He thinks that cheating is even just talking to someone. There was never anything sexual or promiscuous that we were talking about, mainly jobs and families. But to him, that was cheating. It took about a year for him to get over that, and I don't think he did all the way.

Basically, I kinda know what you're going through. Although I've been on my meds since I've been diagnosed. Though now I've found out that I've possibly been manic for at least 6 months while on meds without knowing it, so maybe we're similar in not being normalized by meds. But I have never thought about cheating or hurting my husband in that way.

I do want to say that she may love you even if she doesn't seem to show it. I love my husband like crazy and want to be with him forever. I just don't always show him, like with a random hug or kiss, or just saying " I love you". I don't know why, but it's so hard for me to do these little things. It took me about 2 years to be able to actually tell him those words, and even now it's still hard to do sometimes. But don't go off her actions alone if she loves you or not. Because my husband thought I hated him and went to a lawyer to get divorce papers. Me trying to talk him out of it was the first time he felt like I really loved him. Things still aren't perfect, but we do know that we love each other.

I'm sorry you have to go through this. I would say if she's unwilling to get treatment and medication, then maybe it's time to move on. RIght now, I know things are good and I'm working to change them. If she can't make that change, then things are going to stay the same. And you can't live the way you are. It's not fair to you. I know I'm all the over page on this, and I apologize. I was just trying to let you see that I understand your situation, and give some advice that I've picked up over the years.