Surrounded by people, but still lonely as hell

I was surrounded by people, yet felt so lonely.

Anyone else ever feel this way?

Last night I was lonely, so I went to a relative's house for a small gathering. Tried to force myself to smile and be friendly. Not sure if they noticed anything was wrong.

Then I cried the whole way home because I felt so alone, and knew I was coming back to an empty house.

Spent most of today (Saturday) shopping with that same relative. We hadn't spent time together for quite a while. As we said goodbye and hugged, I thanked her for spending time with me and said, "I get lonely." She said, "Call me anytime."

Cried more on the way home.

Tonight a group of friends that gets together a few times a year had scheduled something at a restaurant. At first, I didn't plan on going. My hair was dirty and I hadn't showered since yesterday. The event started at 7:00. At 7:15, I got into the shower, threw myself together, and made myself go.

I was only there for 2 hours. It was a really big crowd. I've known a lot of these people for 30 years, but not really well (since I'm not good with close friendships at all).

Now I'm back at the empty house.

Not sure how I feel about the fact that I went to this event. It was a lot of, "Hi. How are you?" but no real substance. I don't have anyone to talk with and get down to the real substance. I miss that.

Anyway, back to the subject of this post.

I'm usually by myself every evening after work and all weekend. Sometimes I wish I had somewhere to go, and I think maybe I wouldn't be so lonely if I had somewhere to go and people to be with. But then I force myself to go out and be around people, and I feel worse.

Yes, worse.

Just reminds me even more of how alone I really am.

Opinions?

I think that these gatherings are superficial, and you are looking for substance. That is why you are not relieved from your loneliness.

Socializing randomly just for the sake of being around people - any people - does not help alleviate loneliness, I have found. You need to find and spend time with people of similar interests and values, with whom you can be yourself.

The few times I've been able to be myself, it hasn't been good enough.

It has ended up in divorces or breaking up with friends.

Having cats helps me a lot. Right now I do not have Internet at home and I am logging in from Starbucks. I look forward to going back home to feed the cats before going to bed. Living breathing creatures who are nice to you and cuddly to boot - quite a difference from living absolutely solo!

I understand completely. Loneliness isn't just about being alone. You don't have to be alone to be lonely, and you don't have to be lonely if you're alone. Big difference.

To me, being lonely is about feeling like you are alone emotionally and mentally. Feeling like no one really understands you. Feeling like you are just hiding behind a smile. After my latest break-up, that is what has happened to me. I may have people that talk to me, but I always still feel alone. I can be texting five people at once and still feel like I am alone. I don't know if that feeling will ever go away for me...

So, you aren't alone in that regard. Try to do things with one person, rather than big groups. I find that much better. It allows both of you to concentrate on each other and just is much easier than having to mingle with a bunch of people at once. Not a big fan of crowds.

I have pets, and my grown son lives here.

But the pets aren't human (although they are almost human to me) and son is always gone doing his own thing.

Maybe I should try to be thankful for the peace and quiet, and try to be more creative. But my creativity went down the toilet when the doctor put me on lithium in August. Even though I am no longer on the lithium, my creativity hasn't returned.

Emotionally dead, you said it perfectly

Yes - Emotionally Dead- you have just spoken about me exactly!

Wholeheartedly agree.

Purpledaisy, I struggle with loneliness a lot. My bf works 10-hr days, and comes home long enough to eat, hang out a little, and hits the bed. I am on my own a lot, and even with my critters--I have a few--I still get lonely. My friends live in my hometown (I'm about 40 min away) and I can't drive much currently so it's hard to see all of them as they work fulltime and I don't work period. I wish I could meet ppl here but I don't go to clubs, and there isn't really any other way to meet unless I volunteer, but not up to that right now.

The funny thing is, I love my own company when I'm in a good place; I lived on my own for almost three years and loved it; I get tired of ppl after awhile....part of this is I am naturally very sensitive and ppl tend to overstimulate me.

So I get how you feel. Especially when my own family--who rarely takes me to appts, etc.--says that my bf's mother--who does drive me around--"Probably gets tired of driving you around." Really? Thanks, blood thicker than water. *Gag*.

Anyway, I get you. It's a tough tough place to be in.

In my opinion, most people (you know- "them") are satisfied enough with the superficial. Seems like "we" are people who feel things much deeper. Maybe it comes with our condition. It's why I'm here in the first place. Reading these posts, I feel a kinship with most of you. Helps me to not feel so alone. (thanx everybody) What about a support group in your town? I know, who needs friends with OUR sort of baggage, right? But just maybe someone like you will understand you better, and you can truly be yourself with them.