[OutlawedSpirit]

I actually get to start seeing a new pdoc tomorrow, which is like the candle in the darkness the past couple weeks. The really sad part is it's not even like I'm depressed and that's making everything seem like it's going to crap. It just really is going to crap.

Last week, we found a major mold problem in the basement of the house we rent, and we don't have a phone number to get a hold of our landlord, so I had to send him a letter, not that I've heard back from him.

Then I went to my appointment with my pdoc, and that did more harm than good, I think. I told her I was thinking about going to HR to see if I could switch from second to first shift, because I function better on that type of schedule, especially taking the Seroquel. Instead she told me should could just take me off the the Seroquel, which I said in no uncertain terms I was not okay with. That seems to be the only thing that has even started to help so far, and I told her I'd rather come off of the Trileptal and try something else in it's place because I don't think it is helping, so instead she just upped the dose of that. She was so quick to try and take me off of something that's helping instead of trying to help me work around it, but she pretty much refuses to take me off of something I don't want to take anyway. It seemed like all we did last week was argue. Luckily I am just switching to a different pdoc with the same group so I don't have to wait as long to get in to see her, but it's still annoying to have to completely start over with someone.

I get to go see a lawyer today about the mold and our landlord and what our options are if it doesn't get fixed and what not. Everyone is saying we should move out as soon as possible, but I don't think it's necessary. Everything I can find about it says there are no official levels set for how much mold exposure is hazardous, and there really aren't any scientific studies to find if mold is hazardous to health at any level. No one seems to be able to find a direct correlation. It can aggravate allergies in people allergic to it, but so can the mold spores that are floating around outside. I honestly plan on refusing to move out unless someone can prove to me I have to, because our only other option right now is my gf's mom's house, and I don't think I could handle that. Ten people in a four bedroom. I already can't stand her mom sometimes as it is.

Of course she is almost preferable to my mom since I told her about my dx. Giving me her opinions once would have been sufficient but every time I talk to her at all, the conversation degrades to the same thing over and over again. She thinks that I shouldn't be on meds, that I should just get my hormone levels checked. The last time I talked to her, I decided to tell her I thought about talking to HR about switching shifts, and then she said that if I did that I could lose my job (which I won't, I work for a world-wide company, and what I am asking for is considered a reasonable accommodation under the ADA, so if they tried to fire me for it, I could probably sue them for the wages I would earn for the rest of my life.) I even tried telling her that my T said that bp, since it messing with the chemistry in our brains, can throw hormone levels out of whack, but she still insisted that I need to just get my hormones regulated. I'm getting to the point where I try to avoid my mom, which isn't something I really want, I'm just tired of being lectured every time I talk to her. She said she was glad I got myself help, but now it seems like I'm being scolded for it.

And just because my life hates me, now everyone in the house is starting to come down with a bug. Sorry for the novel, I'm just frustrated with everything, and I'm not sure anyone else around me would understand why this seems so overwhelming because they aren't also trying to wrap their heads around the fact that their brain is broken.

[Warrioress]

Originally Posted by OutlawedSpirit

I'm not sure anyone else around me would understand why this seems so overwhelming because they aren't also trying to wrap their heads around the fact that their brain is broken.

I have SO been there and it's not pleasant I'm sorry you're feeling so overwhelmed atm. I hope things change for the better very soon.

[OutlawedSpirit]

Me too. I'm so at the point where I just want to say f*** it. Just pretend that none of it is happening and live in blissful ignorance. I tried talking to my gf the other day and it just ended up with me yelling at her and her ignoring me. (That's how we fight when we do. She has sort of learned that sometimes I just like to yell, so she lets me. I swear, she has the patience of a saint.) I told her it is really hard to deal with everything when I don't know if the meds are helping or not, and either way it sucks. Either they aren't working which means a lot more experimenting, or they are and I really am still just a monster underneath.

[Warrioress]

I sometimes lose my temper as well (who doesn't?!) but I prefer to think there is a monster inside me which I need to tame. And it isn't really a part of me. It's the illness. This way I won't hate myself so much.

[Trippin2.0]

Our brain's aren't broken, we are just wired differently, which causes us to short-circuit at times well,thats the version I prefer anyway. 'ill' and 'broken' are too heavy for my fragile self-esteem. Oh and yes, 'monster' is a good way of seperating us from the bipolar. I like being able to visualize kicking my bipolar monster's a.s.s! You're understandably overwhelmed, please remember to take it 1 step, 1 breath, 1 moment at a time.Please keep posting, an outlet is a good thing to have during such times

[OutlawedSpirit]

I'm trying to add a little humor to the stress of going to the lawyer by the fact that I realize I have to go in costume. I am helping with my daughter's halloween party at school, which I'm doing in costume, then as soon as that is over, I have to drop her off at her grandma's house and go to the lawyer. There is no time to change out of my costume. Oh well. Hopefully the lawyer has a sense of humor. I know going in costume is not the best idea, but I don't have much choice so just roll with it, I guess.

[Warrioress]

lol wow. May I ask what your costume is?

[OutlawedSpirit]

A generic black robe with a hood and I did some spiderwebs around my eyes with eyeliner and added sparkle with some eye shadow. So I guess imagine the guy from Scream without the mask and with makeup I guess?

[OutlawedSpirit]

I finally got the report back from our mold sampling. Maybe life has decided it likes me after all. Our counts are at acceptable levels, and there is no toxic mold present. So it poses virtually no health risks. In fact, outside mold levels were five times higher than those inside. The visible mold in the basement still needs to be taken care of, but we don't have to move, for which I am eternally grateful.

[Warrioress]

That's good news