[Anika.]

I have no idea, never good with this stuff, who is tho. Probably not many.

My brother in law's mom is in the hospital, she has been fighting with hep C quite badly for two years. She has deteriorated so much that she seems like she has dementia almost. So yesterday, she was left alone for a few hours,,she normally is not left a lone and not for long, in case she turns the stove on or something of that nature and forgets. Apparently she ingested a TON of her meds while she was alone. She wants to go, she really doesn't want to go on. Her liver is already beyond shot, they gave her maybe three months tops, but no going home from hospital. Last night my sister got word that she is now having kidney failure and problems with her blood after they gave her plasma. It's an extremely sad situation. She is a beautiful woman inside and out. She has been through so much, She survived through the Vietnam war and other hardships, and yet this is her, saying no more. Which I do understand.

The doctors told my sister and her husband to come now, not wait till friday since they don't know if she will even make it to friday now , She is over in the next province. They left for there after work today, and I really hope nothing happens before they get there.

Thing is I am very close to my sister, and her husband, I have known him since I was 15, and I just don't know what to say at all. It's heartbreaking. People always say stuff like, they are safe in heaven, or something like that. She is buddhist tho and I am not quite sure what she thinks about after life. Just saying I am sorry doesn't seem good enough either. What do you say tho?

[~Christina]

I have worked in nursing homes and have lost my parents and all my relatives .. so I
feel I have seen more than my fair share of people dying.

I am not one to say " oh they are in a better place" just my opinion because of my beliefs.

I usually tell someone " I am very sorry for your loss, If you want or need a shoulder I am here."

I am sorry your family is losing someone that is very loved. I'm here if you want or need a shoulder.

[Trippin2.0]

When the person was suffering, I usually say 'they are at peace' but a 'my condolences to your family' is usually acceptable, either way. Offering of support like in Christina's post is always nice.

[Anneinside]

another - "I'll always remember what a good person she was."
"I don't know anything to say that would help but I am here for you."

I lost my daughter. I didn't want to hear she was in a better place! The better place was with me.

[Eliza Jane]

Think about whether what you are saying is to make you feel better or them feel better. I think the "they are in a better place" comment is one we make to smooth things over and make ourselves feel better. It doesn't help the bereaved feel better though.

If you are close enough to someone, it can be good to offer some sort of specific help rather than a vague "let me know if you need something." For example, you could rake a neighbor's leaves or offer to babysit a child so parents can have alone time to deal with things. People often feel funny asking for help, but will accept if offered.

Best,
EJ

[Anika.]

Well I wouldn't say that for me, I don't think I would say better place. I don't believe in after life. That's the thing, I am worried about making anyone more upset. Which is easy to do in these situations.

I think yes tho, just sticking to letting them know I am sorry, and care about them is probably good.

Eliza thank you, that's a really good idea. My sister never asks for help, brother in law even less so. I can think of a lot of ways I could help them, maybe cooking some meals for them and my nieces and nephew, her children are older teens but they could still come here for some movies to give mom and dad some quiet time.

Thank you guys, I appreciate the help. I get nervous in situations like this and then smirk or whatever.. not because of joy in it, just too much stress and nerves.

Anneinside, I am really sorry, and I agree, better place would have been with you.

[Anika.]

Christina thank you! I will be ok, but hard to see them all hurting. Its been tough for my sister and her husband this year, and stuff just keeps happening. My nephew on top of that lost the girl he was dating in a bike/ car collision three months ago, and he is still dealing with that.

I am sorry you lost so many relatives and your parents.