[BlueInanna]

So I guess I will make one I'm bored. Have missed much discussion past week, and honestly much of it is like, "omg some firey talk going on I don't really want to join unless I have huge chunk of time!"

I'm having some hypo/manic symptoms whatever. It's fine, they don't really bother me. Yes, others have it worse, others birthed from my womb have it worse!

My son had court, he's on ankle bracelet monitor, they come by and check on us, drug test him for meth. It seems ok thing so far. We go back to court on Tuesday, and they want to try him as an adult and give him a felony strike for assaulting me and the 2 other children. I will fight that, i just wanted help for my child, I was doing what T's and Pdoc's said to do - call the police. I will fight to keep my baby boy out of prison.

I've had a lot to process, spent some time unable to get out of bed. Watched almost every season of Law & Order, ate anything in sight. Slept a lot.

Now, I'm having trouble sleeping. I worked and cleaned all day, unusual for me. I even put on mascara and clear nail polish, just to stay home. I'm craving alcohol big time. But where I live there is no where to go, no bars with live music unless I drive so I won't be going anywhere. And no point going to seek it out because I can think around the corner now, I know how icky hungover I get, I know I dont want that.

The hypo/mania (I say it like that because I really don't know what it is, text books say this/that, but I personally am not convinced what it is - I know I act/feel different - but then again I'm not sure what to compare "different" to anymore) it's fine, it's pleasant mostly. I have some agitation with it and some emotional crying spells, but I have some energy. Some physical energy finally! I crave things like drugs/ alcohol/ dancing, being in the limelight. Being in the center of the dance floor with all eyes on me because I glow, they don't even know why they have to watch. Yes these are "grandiose symptoms" lol.

My brain is sharp, I'm solution focused. I want a lover. I want sex, but I'm old (experienced, made mistakes) enough to know that the sex with strangers was really just gross to me, I understand now I get "mania", I don't want fake quick fix, I want eye contact. I want soul contact. I want a lover who will stay up all night and make love, and talk, and draw, and play guitars, and sing with me. I want it all!

[roads]

I'm so sorry about your son, especially that you followed what you thought was best advice and it turned up so many complications.
I'm very glad, though, that you have such a clear focus on what you want & don't want for yourself in your own life. That will simplify your life in the long run & I hope allow something really wonderful in. Keep that focus.
Roadie

[BlueInanna]

Thanks Roadie, I am making an effort to say "I want" more rather than "I need". I have listened to many books on tape by a lady Caroline Myss, she teaches that idea. I have needs too of course, but by "want" I'm setting clarity, boundaries, focus, intention, etc. Yes, I'm looking for simplification, figuring out what I want, and hoping for wonderful things.

[LostMom3]

I understand this post on points. I get those "hypo mania" traits. They are pleasant for the most part. Wish I could stay like that without all of the depression and anxiety mixed in. I crave the alcohol, the dancing and yes, the sex. I want more than sex, but that is what I crave.

What is going on with you son, I have been there. It is so hard knowing he has this illness and can still catch a charge especially a felony charge. I went through it. I fought juvenile court from the time he was 12 until he was 17. Then I fought adult court for 2 years. They never got him help. My baby went to prison for a year and a half. I begged both judges to help him and the juvenile Judge told me they were helping him. Sending him to YDC, wilderness camps, and finally a state YDC(kids prison). The adult judge ordered him to a psychiatrist and ordered him to take medicine. That was the only help they offered. I hope you have more luck. Get letters from psychiatist and therapist and doctors, anything you can think of that might get him help instead of punishment.

Big Hugs and you and your son will be in my thoughts as you seek to get him help.

[BlueInanna]

Oh LostMom... I know you've been here too. So not what you expect from life, right? I feel uncertain, but this judge will hear me I have a strong feeling. I will do my best on Tuesday (day after his 17th bday) that I do not want him tried as an adult, that I called police to get help for my MI child. Looking for help, resources, services, mentors, not lock up, not "adult" consequences. He's nowhere near ready to be an adult. His therapist is a strong advocate for him, the pdoc they don't click so well...
I love this ankle monitor though, and finally some backup coming to the house to check on him. Because I'm not a naturally strong orderly single mom. I'm a softie, well until I snap... :/
Really it's just day at a time, minute by minute, looking forward to his brain maturing and maybe he'll want to use his smarts for something other than drugs and trouble.

[hamster-bamster]

Wow, mascara! You rock lady!

[BlueInanna]

Originally Posted by hamster-bamster

Wow, mascara! You rock lady!

Thank you, it looked lovely until my crying spell hahaha Mascara does not last long on me - I don't have any waterproof, not that important, just for fun sometimes.

[Trippin2.0]

Oh Blue, I'm thinking of you and your family, and pray that the court helps him. So good to know you're in a good spot, lord knows you could use the reprieve thanks for updating us.

[~Christina]

Blue ! You are an amazing Mom. You deserve a bunch of breaks ! Sending good thoughts your way.

[LostMom3]

Originally Posted by BlueInanna

Oh LostMom... I know you've been here too. So not what you expect from life, right? I feel uncertain, but this judge will hear me I have a strong feeling. I will do my best on Tuesday (day after his 17th bday) that I do not want him tried as an adult, that I called police to get help for my MI child. Looking for help, resources, services, mentors, not lock up, not "adult" consequences. He's nowhere near ready to be an adult. His therapist is a strong advocate for him, the pdoc they don't click so well...
I love this ankle monitor though, and finally some backup coming to the house to check on him. Because I'm not a naturally strong orderly single mom. I'm a softie, well until I snap... :/
Really it's just day at a time, minute by minute, looking forward to his brain maturing and maybe he'll want to use his smarts for something other than drugs and trouble.

He will grow out of this. My son has done really well this past month. He is not dressing like a thug, has slipped away from his gang member buddies, quits doing drugs and has settled down with a really nice, sweet, good girl. He told me that he wished he had not done the things he has done. He has been here for us during times of family strife and mourning when their grandmother passed away. He is finally the son I dreamed of all these years.
This will happen for your son too. I just pray that it doesn't take what it took for my son. The ankle monitor was awesome. It kept him close to me and I was able to monitor what he was doing. Good luck. You can be tough on him when needed and that is what counts. He will always remember that Mom was the one who fought so hard for him. {{HUGS}}

[BlueInanna]

Originally Posted by LostMom3

He will grow out of this. My son has done really well this past month. He is not dressing like a thug, has slipped away from his gang member buddies, quits doing drugs and has settled down with a really nice, sweet, good girl. He told me that he wished he had not done the things he has done. He has been here for us during times of family strife and mourning when their grandmother passed away. He is finally the son I dreamed of all these years.
This will happen for your son too. I just pray that it doesn't take what it took for my son. The ankle monitor was awesome. It kept him close to me and I was able to monitor what he was doing. Good luck. You can be tough on him when needed and that is what counts. He will always remember that Mom was the one who fought so hard for him. {{HUGS}}

This is music to my ears Lostmom!! So happy to hear about this!!

I know they do grow out of it some and I'm looking forward to that. He will be 17 in 2 hours (how did that happen?). I've been very nostalgic today about the time I carried him in my belly, his birth, the weather that day, everything about his childhood.

His probation officer said he will not be charged with adult felony after i spoke with her Friday. We have court Tues. I'm pretty sure he was high (on meth or stimulants) on Friday night, but he denies it of course. They will test him on Tues... not sure if he gets how serious this could get.

But I'm hoping for the best.

[LostMom3]

I am so glad that he won't have an adult felony. That is really great news. How did court go?
We, as mothers, tend to get nostalgic and sentimental when faced with our children being locked up and put in a place away from us. We go through the whole life of the child wondering what it was we did that caused this to happen. It wasn't anything that you did or didn't do. They reach an age that they think they are grown and know all there is to know about everything. They have to test their boundaries for themselves. Big Hugs for you.

[BlueInanna]

Court was rough, they took him into custody, he tested dirty for meth
I could tell, he was in psychosis coming down last night, arguing with imaginary people, suicidal. I gave him the last of his xanax and he finally fell asleep. This morning he refused to go to court, packed a bag said he was running. Somehow I got him there, told him to do the right thing now or the charges would just stack and stack and they would find him...

Court will release him to a rehab program, so I'm trying to find him a bed at a good one near here.

I'm sad, I'm isolating. But this is what it is. Hopefully he will get sober this time.

I met another mom today, her name is Faith... her son is also 17 and is sober. She and her husband and son were there at court for some follow up. They gave us their phone numbers, offered support, told me about their past addictions and she's stayed at the rehab near here I'm trying to get my son in. Her son talked to my son while we were all waiting, about how he overcame same addiction, invited him to come skating and to NA meetings with him and his friends, gave him advice about how to handle some initial situations in the jail. My son told him he has no friends who are sober and needs friends and really appreciates the offer and will be calling him... Faith invited me to her women's support group or to talk anytime. I'm touched that they reached out to me. Her husband offered his support, told me about his recovery. I feel really grateful that this family reached out to my son and myself today. We need some kind of real life community support if we're going to make it through this. I don't think my son has had a good friend in 5 years...

Well, tomorrow is visitation night. I wonder if he will still blame all of this on me, or hopefully as he gets sober he will be less angry at me for calling cops on him those times he got violent and dangerous. I spend some time wondering if involving police was right or wrong, wondering about anything else I could've done different so I wouldn't be in this spot tonight with my son in jail. Trying to have hope, and faith...

Awww, sweetie! It's so very hard to see someone we love in court .... and that that part didn't go well...
It can feel so very isolating. All the more reason I'm so glad that that family reached out to you both! Wow. That you all were there at the same time and everything... well, I don't know, but there's something to it!
Kind of at a loss for words (generally lately too), but did want to say something. You are in my thoughts Blue. I hope this small miracle brings some ray of goodness and hope into the situation.

[LostMom3]

Originally Posted by BlueInanna

Court was rough, they took him into custody, he tested dirty for meth
I could tell, he was in psychosis coming down last night, arguing with imaginary people, suicidal. I gave him the last of his xanax and he finally fell asleep. This morning he refused to go to court, packed a bag said he was running. Somehow I got him there, told him to do the right thing now or the charges would just stack and stack and they would find him...

Court will release him to a rehab program, so I'm trying to find him a bed at a good one near here.

I'm sad, I'm isolating. But this is what it is. Hopefully he will get sober this time.

I met another mom today, her name is Faith... her son is also 17 and is sober. She and her husband and son were there at court for some follow up. They gave us their phone numbers, offered support, told me about their past addictions and she's stayed at the rehab near here I'm trying to get my son in. Her son talked to my son while we were all waiting, about how he overcame same addiction, invited him to come skating and to NA meetings with him and his friends, gave him advice about how to handle some initial situations in the jail. My son told him he has no friends who are sober and needs friends and really appreciates the offer and will be calling him... Faith invited me to her women's support group or to talk anytime. I'm touched that they reached out to me. Her husband offered his support, told me about his recovery. I feel really grateful that this family reached out to my son and myself today. We need some kind of real life community support if we're going to make it through this. I don't think my son has had a good friend in 5 years...

Well, tomorrow is visitation night. I wonder if he will still blame all of this on me, or hopefully as he gets sober he will be less angry at me for calling cops on him those times he got violent and dangerous. I spend some time wondering if involving police was right or wrong, wondering about anything else I could've done different so I wouldn't be in this spot tonight with my son in jail. Trying to have hope, and faith...

I am so sorry about the outcome. At least he will get help for his addiction, and then you can focus on his illness. I am so glad that you found someone that has been in that situation close by. That will be much needed support. Don't feel embarrassed or ashamed. Take them up on their offer of support. You can use all that you can get. Once he is clean and his mind is straight, he will realize that you have done what you have because you love him and not because you seek to hurt him. He will understand it was needed at that time. Hold your head up and take care of yourself. You will do him no good, if you aren't well.
{{{BIG HUGS}}}

[BlueInanna]

Thanks guys It is kismet I think meeting Faith and her family yesterday. When we were at home and Nate was flipping out refusing to go, I looked up and surrendered, not even knowing who or what to pray to because I'm not set in any one religion. Just praying he wouldn't hurt himself over this court date and filthy drug addiction.

All the times at court, I've never talked to another person. Honestly we're usually only a handful of english speaking people there, and I was too stoned in school to learn Spanish. Where I live, it's pretty helpful to speak Spanish. One of the first classes I'll do when I go back to school.

The "Hall" is probably the best place for him right now. I've talked to them there several times and the staff is actually really caring, it sounds. This is going to be a new start. Maybe I'll even shower today, still getting out of bed, took an extra klon last night so I could finally sleep.

[bluemountains]

Hey Blue,
I've missed a lot of what's going on on with you and your son, and I am just catching up. First, let me say that I can really sympathize with you as a mother. My oldest child is a month older than yours, and she is just that, a child! I am so glad that they didn't try him as an adult-I cannot imagine what would happen to him if he was thrown into the adult system. As for your prayers-it sounds like some were answered today. He has another shot at rehab, and you all have met a family that can possibly mentor you through all of this.
Blue, you are one strong Mama! I can understand your up and down moods right now. You amaze me that you are so able to keep it together with all that you deal with. I will be saying prayers, too, that this time your son will find some relief and success in rehab.
Bluemountains and

[BlueInanna]

Thanks Blue Just feeling helpless again. This "good" rehab near home now says they don't know if they want to take him because of his violent and suicidal history. They have a bed open on Friday, but they won't tell me until tomorrow if they'll accept him. The man interviewing me about my son wanted to know if my son wants to get help. I know people need to "want to get sober". Honestly, I couldn't tell the man, yes he's ready to get sober. I don't know what it is like to have meth addiction, but I'd imagine you'd want to keep using until you hit rock bottom (like jail) or until you get help from a Recovery Treatment Center. Isn't that what they're supposed to do there, help people get sober?

I know it's the bp in me and being oversensitive, having catastrophic thinking, I feel like I can't win. I did what the "professionals" said to do, call the police. Now the professionals don't want to help my son because now I've made him a criminal, not just a bp drug addict, but a criminal.

One year ago, I spent $3k (worst money I've ever spent - still paying it off) on a man from this same rehab to come do an intervention with my son, to try to get him to agree to go into treatment. But he wouldn't go, so now a year later, 6 hospitalizations/5150's, court cases, probation, ankle bracelet, jail... now we're not good enough to be accepted into their rehab. Or maybe they will accept him, they will tell me tomorrow.

[hamster-bamster]

I like that this kind woman's name is Faith.

[Trippin2.0]

Blue, your strength is admirable. I can only imagine the emotional turmoil this situation must evoke. You are an extraordinary woman, your children are blessed to have you.

[BlueInanna]

visitation went ok. only 5 parents there to visit their children in juvie. and i was the only english speaking one, the officers said everything in spanish and then translated for me... lol... it was a little surreal. it's nothing like all the times visiting him in the hospital, we had to sit across the table and were not supposed to hold hands, but the officer let us hold hands. my son cried the whole hour. he went from blaming me for everything, suicidal, wanting a cigarette, asking if he'd missed younger brother's bday which is coming monday, to asking me what he is supposed to do now, said the food wasn't that bad, crying he was sorry, asking me to do my energy protection thing around him because he doesn't feel safe, to big hugs and he loves me. then it was time to go. it was weird outside the juvie, stairs and no lights, no moon. weird experience.

anyway i told him that his probation officer and i will be doing everything we can to get him accepted into the nice rehab. she and i both agree it's a good place for him. he can even bring his guitar. they have redwood trees and hiking and a zip line and ping pong and field trips, yoga, meditation, 10 minutes from home. and my insurance will cover 100% since all the hospitalizations this year. they have to accept him in, they just have to, i will beg.

forgive my ramblings, it's after midnight i need sleep but my mind won't stop.

[Anika.]

Oh my dearest Blue, I will hold onto those wishes for the nicer rehab for your son too. Sounds like a positive place of healing, which is what he needs, more so than punishment. I really that he gets accepted. I am glad you got to visit him.

Sending you all my love! I hope you get some sleep!

Saying a prayer that all goes as you wish for your son and that you'll be assured that he is safe and being treated well. Healthy vibes being sent to you.

[bluemountains]

Oh Blue! Your poor Baby! I am in tears hearing how miserable, scared, and sick he is. Where is real help for him? I hope that the rehab center accepts him, and I hope it is the answer. Why, in this country, is there not help instead of pushing our children aside when they have problems? How is a 17 year-old supposed to say that he really wants help and he's ready to give up his habits? Your son has an illness, isn't there anyone out there who is trained to really help him? I know you have tried to find answers to these questions. It just pisses me off so much that unless you are perfect and productive in our country, you have to claw your way out to find any success. Thank goodness your son has a mom that is willing to fight the battle for him.
I wish I could give you a big energy hug right now!
Bluemountains

[bluemountains]

And, speaking of the Latino population, there needs to be some attention paid to this group, too. Half of my class have parents who only speak Spanish. These parents are fearful of the school, and won't come in for conferences. I had one child yesterday who wants to apply for a leadership academy in our county. She asked me how she could do it. The application must be done online. Her parents have no computer and they don't speak any English. They have seven children. I tried to encourage her to get her mom to come to the school to fill out an application for her. I doubt it will happen. Here is a child who has so many strikes against her, and I know that she really does want to do well. She's only in fifth grade, but already is losing out.
Sorry, for ranting and going off topic, I just get so angry for children who aren't given a chance to change!