The complexity that is my life....

Hey all,

If you go and read my introduction in the hello section, you will se just a bit of the craziness that was my life before my DX.

Looking back, I realize that I made my Ex-wife's (soon to be anyways) life a living hell for years. I was a "Rage-aholic". I was angry so often it's not funny. I was constantly snapping at her and was just a grouch.

Part of me understands her need to get away from me. Part of me understands that life with me was such hell, that she would "turn gay" to get with someone who would take care of her and not cause her such heart ache.

But something doesn't make sense. About a year before she left, her behavior started to change pretty drastically. She refused to drive a mini-van any more and said she was "tired of being a soccer mom". She insisted on buying a Lincoln Navigator....

For eleven years, she was the consummate mother. Her children were her life. She had stickers all over her mini-van about how proud she was to be a soccer mom!

Since she left, she has gone from having the children full time to barely having them at all. I have our oldest son full time, as he was failing school living with her. She couldn't be bothered to make sure he was doing his homework or studying for tests. I get the little ones four days a week, but it's very common for her to drop them on me extra days. This week, I'll have them six days. Last week it was five days. I keep a calendar for the child support, and I have had the kids an average of 65% of the time since January. In the last few months, it's closer to 75%.

Don't get me wrong, I love my children and I want them in my home all the time. I just don't understand how she can have such a fundamental change in personality?

Her sister tells me that this is her "true nature" coming through.....
Her mom says she is "just selfish Jenny".......

I KNOW there is nothing I can do. I KNOW I have no control over anyone other than myself. Yet I still worry about her. I worry about the woman who broke my heart.

I find myself still deeply in love with her.

After my arrest and subsequent diagnosis while spending the weekend in the Psych-ward, I realized how much I had hurt her. I can still close my eyes and see the terror on her face when I was on top of her......

I actually begged her to beat me. I begged her to let me build a set of stocks and hand out flyers so everyone in town could come watch her whip me till she was too tired to whip me any more. I even figured I could get a permit by calling it "performance art".

I'm not sure why i'm writing this..... I just have a need to relate the story again.....