I'm going crazy and I don't know what to do!

OK, Since early Friday afternoon I've been hallucinating, I've been hearing voices and seeing shadows. The voices I hear are like screeches and screaming. They are directed at me, screaming at me for no reason. Some of the intelligible voices are telling me to jump out a window, something I know is bad. I just feel so helpless. I don't think I'm a danger to anyone or myself but on the other end, what if I am. I really don't want to go back to Saint Vincents. Last time they threatened the state hospital on me. I really don't want to do that. I mean its like a concentration camp when I'm there. I don't really know any other way of explaining it. I'm just scared. I have not been diagnosed schizophrenic, I have had a doctor mention schizoaffective but yet the same doctor diagnosed me with bipolar 1. What am I supposed to do? Do i tell my supports and go back to Auchwitz? or Just keep quiet and hope all goes away.

I'm seeing shadows out of my peripheral vision. I can't really explain it. I live in a very old building and wonder if there are spirits that live in this building. I might be a medium, or a psychic.... I don't know.

Its just so frustrating! i'M doing good for a few weeks, or maybe a month, the the bottom drops out. so damn frustrating.

If you tell your doctor they will send you to the hospital? You may just need med adjustment. It's not fair of them to threaten you like that and make you too scared to ask for help when you obviously need help right now.

Hello chandler,

Some people with bipolar do have psychosis. I am concerned that the hallucinations might lead you into danger. Please contact a mental health professional about this. We want you to be safe.

Dear Chandler, so sorry you're having such a tough time.
You say you've been to state hosp before & you're not a fan!
But...did they *help* you? Would it be worth it knowing what you do about the place, to go again, to have meds tweaked or some more therapy, to not be alone with the hallucinations.
It's also not guaranteed you'll go to state hosp.
If you think in the least little bit that you could hurt yourself, like the voices keep telling you, I would make the call for help.
We want you safe & to feel better!!
Take care of yourself & keep posting.

Can you ask for a med evaluation? Asking that drugs be adjusted seems a reasonable request, since what you're reporting may be related to that. How about trying that first, Chandler--before jumping to needing to be sent to the State Hospital?

The conditions when they said that may not be the same as they are now. Just report that you're having difficulties and request that dosage and medications be reviewed. That should get you in the door without sounding off all the alarms.

Bipolar is so frustrating because it puts us on that ON/OFF, UP/DOWN out-of-control ride that leaves us never knowing what's next. I'm sorry it's thrown you again when you were doing so well.

Please call your T. Get a med check. This may have a simple fix.

Roadie

Yea I just had a med check on Wednesday of last week they took me off Paxil and put me on Wellbutrin because I wanted to quit smoking and have my libido back. I got both. I called my doctor today and he told me if I feel bad enough to go to the ER as there is nothing he can do unless making major med changes, that he'll only agree to do in a hospital setting anyways. So I feel I am screwed anyways. I have not been to the state hospital, however it has been threatened a few times. I wonder if the change from Paxil to Wellbutrin started all of this. I doubt it. I don't know. Doctor wont do major med changes unless I'm hospitalized anyways.

I think that's very unfair and wrong to threaten you like that....

Okay so do you know reality checking? Like the voices are not real, yes? They are just part of something in your brain going haywire. Don't let them boss you around. If they are telling you to jump out the window, tell them to shut the F up and leave you alone. (I know it seems strange to talk to these voices, but it gives you power, right?) I hear things too, not very often. Mostly like you just a "noise" type of voice like a scream or a laugh.

Tell your voices this, "You can't hurt me," and also tell them, "You have no power over me." (That second one is a very powerful statement.)

As for shadows, same thing. They are not really there and they can't hurt you. They may scare you, but they are not going to get you.

Do you have any friends or family that can be with you during this time? Anyone you trust that you can tell?

Stay safe.

Many doctors won't do major med changes unless their patient is hospitalized, because we can have such major reactions coming off of some of these drugs.

Yes, your recently dropping Paxil could certainly have something to do with this sudden downward movement you've had. All the more reason for them to be careful with you, Chandler. I'm very sensitive to drugs, and I'm always facing hospitalization if a major med change seems needed.

Chandler, I'm not a doctor, and naturally can't offer much helplful advice except to say a few things about what you pointed out:

1. You live in an old building. Many times old buildings are loaded with mold--a ubiquitous spore-bearing mold that many of us are extremely allergic to and can develop almost psychotic reactions to. I would suggest that you go on your own to
see an allergy specialist before making the decision to go into the hospital; or, if you can't wait, enter the hospital and come out to visit an allergy specialist for extensive testing for allergens, both inhaled and ingested.

What you do is purely a choice of your own, and I realize that, and although I may write a bit strongly about it, I have lived through discovery of what happens to me in chemistry when allergens are triggers; it may work for you, too.

2. Find out if you do, in fact, have serious allergies that are causing symptoms for you. A good allergist will give you advice that no other type specialist is qualified to offer. And often, it's more than one thing that is causing the problem, (in addition to
some of the medications being used).

3. If you can track your hallucinations to ingestion of high levels of any one food or
drink, tell your allergist about it. In many cases, foods we are strongly addicted to (or crave) may be the ones causing the allergies.

4. Barring all advice from an allergist, I would definitely try to have something done about the medications (which all produce acidic reactions and may be causing an overload for your kidneys.) You may wish to go into a hospital for a short stay and
have your doctor see that your system is cleansed of all old drugs and that you have something that will stabilize your chemistry once you have obtained calmness.

5. I would ask for the results of blood chemistry analysis so that you begin to have
some idea of what is going on with your chemistry. Whatever it is, Chandler, it needs to be corrected for your long-term health. See that your allergy specialist is aware of what the blood chemistry at the hospital is. (I would even request a copy for myself and take it to the allergist--bloodwork both before and after treatment. You are entitled to that information for your benefit.)

6. Look into your diet with an allergy specialist to see if there's anything there which can be causing psychic disturbance for you.

Frankly, I almost rely more on an allergy specialist than I do a psychiatrist for help
in bipolar illness. What you're experiencing, in my view, can be corrected and you may come out on the other side of this better than ever.

Take care of yourself and feel better soon.

Excellent ideas, genetic! Chandler, I hope you will be able to follow up on this.
Allergies ... yes, definitely a real possibility of remaking havoc with you!!
Can you check this out?

thanks, I'll try to think about the allergen idea.

If the voices are telling you do harm yourself you need to at least call the ER to get some suggestions.

I see shadows too, when I'm really stressed. I never met anyone who had the same visions as me.

My brain anticipates things being there and I think I see them but then they're gone. I don't count this as hallucinating.

I've decided that I will call crisis only after I watch the new Pawn Stars on The History Channel. So I will see what they say. Most likely they will send the 5-0 out to get me and take me for an evaluation.

Chandler, just checking in to see if you went for eval. tonight.
Either way, if you get a chance let us know how you're doing.
Glad to know you were gonna call crisis & see what they had to say.
Sending good thoughts your way.

I went to the ER and got checked out. They tried to convince me to stay and go onto the unit, but I referred, my bed is more comfortable. I am feeling a bit better, went to the doctor today and had another anti-psychotic added to my cocktail so hopefully the drug will help with the voices etc. Overall I am feeling much better.