[iluvdukie1]

I absolutely hate this. Now when I post, I always feel like I am complaining. I feel like I am annoying everyone, not having much of a purpose. But, I still post because this is the place I feel most comfortable venting on. I am a little concerned now. I started to trying to go to sleep at 1:00 A.M., but had some trouble. I could seriously not think straight, my thoughts would not concentrate on one thing. No matter how hard I tried, my thoughts just kept wondering, unable to stay on one thing like I wanted it to. This happened for like a half hour, which is really unsual. I was super irritated, even though there was nothing causing it. So I decided I would get up and go to the bathroom, then lay back down. So I did this, but the same thing happened again or about another 30 minutes until I finally fell asleep. Then I woke up a few times during the night. I was pretty restless. This like never happens to me, that's what's concerning. I am scared that I am going to start having troubles falling asleep. And for today, I have been pretty irritated and gloomy. When I got home, I texted my one friend, she FaceTimed me. I was really irritated when talking to her, so I didn't say much. I ended up like laying down on the ground, as if I was trying to fall asleep, when talking. I was so irritated that I eventually just told her that I had to go. I could NOT sit there anymore, I was so bored. So I went out and ate something. After that, I just sat around and watched TV for a while. I almost went to sleep, I had to really try not to. I did not want to do ANYTHING, so I figured I would get a shower. It's the one thing I don't completely dread doing, and it does not require any contact with people. Once I got in, I cried a little bit. Then I washed my hair, afterwards layed down in the tub. I got myself to pretty much wash the front half of my body, then I shaved my armpits. Which I still don't know why, I needed to shave my legs more, since I haven't done it in a couple weeks. But I couldn't get myself to do it this time, I figured I will just do it tomorrow. When I was done, the only things that seemed somewhat appealing were posting on PC and playing minecraft, having music playing. My top four songs that I listen to when I am more gloomy are Anthem of the Angels and Dear Agony by Breaking Benjamin, Coming Down by Five Finger Death Punch, and Over and Over by Three Days Grace. There are a lot more, but that's what I feel like listing. (Listen to them, they're really good!) So I climbed up into my bed (I have the top bunk) and started to turn on my ****** tablet. That's what I first tried to post this on, but the battery was getting low and the space bar wasn't working all that well, and it was annoying me. Anyway, when getting ready, I almost cried the whole time. My eyes were really watery, nothing seemed right. I saw a stuff animal that I got in 5th grade. So it made me think of everything that has happened over the years, then that made me think of getting older and graduating. That part made me think of how I am going to die someday, making it a lot harder to hold the tears back. The whole time I was thinking about if my parents or sister were going to come in, and about my friend that wants to talk to me. I am not talking to her right now, it's probably doing her a favor, I would end up being really boring or snappy. I started to think about how I want a laptop for Christmas, and all of the awesome stuff I could do on it. Then I realized that I might not get it, and that I could not do that stuff, making me really upset. I keep thinking about how tomorrow is already the last day of the weekend. Also, about how school goes on for weeks and weeks, the same boring events happening day after day. It's ****ing stupid. Speaking of school, I confused myself the other night. I cried because my science grade went from a 95% to a 99%, but have no clue why really.

[Moose72]

Hey.

I read your whole post. I feel like that sometimes. The shower and the music ring big bells. I get that anxious irritated feeling quite a bit, and that's when I'm going hypomanic, I think. Do you have a list of things that soothe you? Sometimes I run out of my list and that's no fun. Do you have any ativan or the like? Maybe a favorite show on DVD?

[iluvdukie1]

Thanks for reading the whole thing, and actually commenting! I really appreciate it. And no, I don't have a list. Maybe I can start trying things that will help, and write them all out. No, I don't have any Ativan, I don't take any medications. And yeah, I have A LOT of TV shows that I can watch, it usually does help take my mind off of stuff. But it doesn't seem to be working as much as it used to, the thoughts still get through.

[~Christina]

Dukie

Breathe ! I agree with Moose ,work on a list of things that are soothing and will help calm you down. Maybe you analyze your every emotion too closely? If I were to worry every day about every emotion or feeling I had .. well I would be miserable. Anyway just a thought.

[iluvdukie1]

Yeah, I know I analyze way too much, it's just a habit. Like I have said before, I over analyze EVERYTHING that goes on around me, that's how I have always been. I have been trying to do that less lately, but I haven't been doing very well.

Hang in there Dukie
It gets better soon
that's part of this condition
Bright as the sun, then dark as the moon

So when times get tough
just try to remember
that it will get bright again
this gloomy december

[Anika.]

Iluvdukie,

I think making a list of soothing things is a great idea. Also making a box and putting stuff in that brings good memories is an idea Some here has brought up before, I believe it was Miss.Laura and I bet if you ask her about it she would help you with ideas.

I am going to post you some links to some mindful meditation videos. Mindfulness Is not your regular type of meditation, it doesn't require that you just sit still and have special time to do it. It just become a way of thinking and being. It's extremely helpful and useful. It's about being in the now, not the past or the future, not an hour ahead, just in each second. Which is where we should be, because there really isn't a past or future, we really only do have right now. This really helps deal with feelings, emotions, worry, stress. It's hard to get caught up in these things when we are only in the now. I think it would really help you.

He has a lot of videos on you tube. A lot of psychiatrists, therapists and doctors use mindfulness to help their patients, for mental illness, and physical diseases. Honestly is it something that everyone could benefit from. It can really help you change your perspective on life itself, which can be a very healing experience.

Keeping hanging in there! And yup keep trying to not over think every emotion or mood. The mindfulness can help you with that a lot. Also other types of meditation, or relaxation techniques. You can find a lot of this stuff on you tube, guided meditations, breathing exercises. Are all very useful for this, just learning to recognize an emotion, and let it pass, acknowledge it's presence but not to dwell on it or judge it, and just let it go.

You are not annoying anyone!!! I can't stress that enough.. not here, this is what we are here for my friend, and you are more than welcome here ok, I don't want you to doubt that. We care about you!! Bipolar or not bipolar, you came here and have got to know us a bit and we have gotten to know you a bit too, to me it doesn't matter. You are a young smart girl looking for answers and trying to help yourself, I think that's pretty good!

And yes, can we call you Dukie for short? Or is there something else you prefer?

[iluvdukie1]

I will definitely have to make a list. And thank you so much for the links! I will definitely have to take a look at them, I really appreciate it. It will probably help out A LOT, sounds awesome. And you can call me Dukie. Or you can call me Olivia, which is my real name. Either one will be just fine, I don't mind. Thanks!

[~Christina]

Ohhhhhh Hello Olivia !

What a Beautiful name

[iluvdukie1]

Hi! And thank you.

[polar_bear1]

Have you ever gone to a pdoc or gotten a diagnosis? Maybe you should talk to a doc. I get what you wrote- totally been there. Analysing- OCD maybe?
Try the meditation, make a box of good memories or just do something that helps.
Olivia is a pretty name... and you can vent like the wind if you want. We´re hear on the other end to help each other.
Take care of yourself,
Mammabear

[iluvdukie1]

I have gone to a doctor, but have never gotten a diagnosis. I am going back tomorrow, so maybe things will be straightened out a little bit better. And I am not aloud to take medication, my mom doesn't want me to. She would probably only let me if it was really bad. And thanks, I really appreciate it!