[BlueInanna]

I hate writing about my depression here, you all have your own, who needs to hear mine.

I went a good time without anything severe. Spent a good time worrying about it returning, but it didn't. Until now, it's settling down in me, it plans to stay for awhile.

I'm faking holiday cheer for the sake of my 11 yr old baby boy. He's so excited about the holidays. We got a tree but I can't muster up enough cheer to actually put it up and decorate. I have such mixed feelings about faking it, but think it's for my son's best interest. Hopefully I'll be able to continue to do so.

I miss my older son so much, he's been at the rehab for 2 weeks, 2 more to go. That's all I can write about it right now, I'm at work and will start crying.

Work is horrible, I'm really struggling. There's no quitting when I own the thing and everyone is counting on me.

I'm in the lamest most stagnant boring blah relationship ever. Yet I stay. I feel so stuck because I need his help with things. He is a good stable influence on my youngest son. My ex gf / lover told me that when I get ok with being alone, I will be able to leave him. She is mostly right, but she also has an ex H who gives her child support and a mother, father, brother who all help her with her 1 child. I already am alone.

Ugh. Leaving work now, so that I can cry in peace.

[hamster-bamster]

It is easy for your ex gf-lover to say that because she does not know how it is to live without any help, any support, any reassurance.

[twiddle]

This too shall pass.

Your being a great mom trying to make you son's holidays happy. Your other son will be home for the holiday as well. And there's not a darn thing wrong with having a good cry, I find they can be cleansing.

X 10000000000000000......

[~Christina]

Awwwww Blue

First and foremost... Please know you can come here and talk about your depression all you want and need to, that's why anyone comes here, to share the good, the bad and the middle.

You have being going through more hell than most could handle.. the truth I swear! Do what you can, focus on the priorities only, secondary stuff can wait. Give yourself a break and know it is ok to cry and allow your emotions to find there way out of your mind body and soul.

Please take care of you while you are taking care of everyone else. You need it, you are allowed to do this ! Sometimes we need to remind ourselves it's ok, healthy and needed.

[Seaswept]

I'm so sorry your feeling this way and can relate because I was severely depressed last Christmas. I didn't help with any of the holiday stuff like getting a tree and decorating it.

Your'e a good mom hanging in there for your youngest son.

I wish I could say more or help, just wanted you to know I've been there and understand.

[hamster-bamster]

The tree - have you managed?

[unaluna]

I know it's asking a lot but try not to ignore the younger child. I was the younger sister of an older brother, and my parents only had eyes for him, even when he was in trouble. Just try to treat the the younger kid like a real person once in a while. It will mean a lot, believe me.

[Clinte89]

Hang in there, I know what you mean by faking it, it sucks. But Im sure you can hold it together at least just till the holidays are over. Ill keep you in my thoughts.

[BlueInanna]

Thanks for checking on me. I got the tree on the stand, and the room cleaned, but no not yet decorated.

The 11 year old is my youngest. Did I give the impression that I ignore my kids?

He's not ignored, not even close. He's sitting next to me right now playing minecraft on the other laptop. He's in the school play which I spend a lot of time at volunteering, and he does sports which I'm always driving him around to and from. He is very social and athletic, so I do have to put on the happy face quite a bit. Way outside my comfort zone, but I do it for him.

Older son, 17, comes home from rehab on Sunday. I miss him terribly and pray that we'll be able to heal this mess of the meth addiction.

My mom is coming to town tomorrow, I'm looking forward to that. She will probably gladly decorate the tree.

I'm getting used to life without lithium, over a month now. It's going ok, the depression lasted a few weeks and seems to have flipped to a bit of hypo, but I think I'll be ok if I make sure to get proper sleep and watch out for unhealthy behaviors. I feel very certain that I won't repeat the hypo/manic mistakes of this time last year, which were pretty extreme. I'm feeling very reflective and pensive at the moment.

[~Christina]

Blue

Hang in there Blue

[Anika.]

I am sorry Blue

I really hope when your son comes home it will be the start of some change, tho I know that can come slow.

I don't know what it is but I hear you, I am not in the xmas spirit either this year. I even took the kids to see a christmas carol play the other night. It had to be the least christmasy Christmas Carol production ever... not too mention depressing.

Sometimes for the kids we do got to fake it bit at times. It is hard tho yes. I hope maybe this bit of hypo might just get you more into the mood.. at least into a better place at the moment hopefully.

Please keep hanging in there, you have come so far and already walked through so much, I know it can seem daunting to have to keep doing more, but it is a testimony to what you can do.. that you can.

On the bf front, that is hard. I know I do most of it alone, I don't have family support, child support, father support. And it is hard, for me the really toughest part has been having these amazing kids and not having anyone in my home to share that with. But I have them, and we are strong together. Yes I have my bf, tho we don't live together, and the way it works for us is very unusual especially after this long. I think if I told people how are schedual works people would think I am nuts. But it does get lonely.. I understand that.

[Anika.]

And OMG Blue.......... Please don't ever feel bad about posting anything here no matter the mood to it.. really don't do that to yourself. That is why we are here in the first place! You give and give to everyone here, you are definitely worthy of support back.

[BlueInanna]

ughh... the xmas carrol, i hate that lol, bah humbug lol. well there was a version with mickey mouse or goofy that i recall i kinda liked.

yea this hypo is a blessing, it will get me through. the lame tricky thing that comes along with it is lack of attention and follow through. so i have these good ideas but grabbing one and making it happen is near impossible.

then there is the heightened sex drive, which is fine i'm managing it and not doing anything i'd regret. bf was here last night, made me dinner, but he was too tired. it's been months and i really want some intimacy. he made it clear from the beginning that sex is not really important to him, i suppose infrequent companionship is what he likes.

anyway last night, he said he was only going to buy my older son socks for xmas, cuz anything else he thinks he'll sell for drugs, which is possible. this sounds minor, but was heart warming for me cuz i was shocked he even considered my older son at all, they have been at odds for 5 years, and that's really my main prob with bf. i have felt like he's an idiot for thinking i'd choose him over my son, not going to happen.

well, maybe that did happen cuz i've stayed with him. could've contributed to why my son is so messed up. he's felt abandoned by 3 father/role models.

too hard to explain my weird r/s right now, i'm confusing myself. but i guess i might be warming up to bf again. if he's willing to buy my son socks, maybe he'd start doing guy things with him, hiking, mountain biking, teach him to drive. maybe we could go to therapy and he could learn to understand and have compassion for my son's bp, and finally rebuild a bond with him. maybe i could finally have a husband and a family like i've always wanted. maybe not, but maybe yes... maybe it's too late, maybe it's not... i really don't know yet.

Anyway thank you for the caring and support, i love you guys.

i do that too, blue ananna

try and fake holiday cheer (not that i really have a reason to) but i just don't like being mr screwdge... even though that's how i really feel

make the most of it.. your son is still at a good excited age to enjoy the magic of it all