[sugahorse1]

I have been down to my lowest low. I have tried to drink my way through it. I have tried to take as many benzo's as I can to numb myself, I have been physically ill... I have upset people. I think my closest friends and T didn't know what to do with me.
So we thought I'd go to hospital and get my meds sorted. Who would have thought I'd have to wait for days? In the mean time I'm climbing out of my hole. I've had a very decent weekend. I don't see the point in wasting time and space in a hospital bed.

So, I've stopped my meds (they didn't seem to keep me stable anyway) and just phoned my T that I wasn't going to go to hospital. Well, I left a message with the receptionist. I'm sure T won't be impressed about any part of this, but I have made up my mind.

I hope you won't judge me, but rather be able to support me. I'm sure things could get a bit rough - I'll still see my T weekly - but I need to try this. And I promise to be in touch with my T the moment things go pear-shaped. I'm also very sure they can organize an emergency hospital bed should it come to that, but I need to stop over-analysing and trusting

[faerie_moon_x]

If your meds aren't working then it isn't worth it to take them, that's what I think. Just straining your kidneys for no results. But be careful stopping them in case they have withdrawls or bad side effects from it.

Also, if you don't need the hospital you don't need it. I've never been to the hospital even if I did need it, so I can't say one way or the other about the hospital. If you're getting better that's the most important thing.

[sugahorse1]

Thanks Dark Heart - I wasn't sure what most ppl would make of my predicament

[Chihuahua]

Chin up!! I too left my meds a while ago, thought it was okay but now I have new ones that's doing it's job ( I think ) go with your feeling- you can always get back on meds. Explore this option but when you feel out of control contact your T and be safe! xxx

[Victoria'smom]

I completely understand your predicament. Please stay away from all drugs including benzo's and alcohol if you can. We you and are here to support you.

[~Christina]

Suga,

Stay safe ! Remember you can always reach out for help at any time

[sugahorse1]

Thank you everyone.
I am having a difficult time with my boyfriend to top it all off now, and I am doing my best to not let him trigger me while I'm ok.

[Confusedinomicon]

You know that external events can trigger depression. It doesn't seem like you've gotten along with your boyfriend for a while now. I could be totally wrong, but I've seen you complain about him before.

If you're taking SUPER high dosages of any medication, you should taper. I'm was taking 50 mg of seroquel and it will take me 2 months to taper off it. (Incredibly slow taper!!!) Remember drug withdrawals can manifest themselves as psychotic/depressive symptoms so stay close to your support team. (And PC)

I hope things get better for you.

[sugahorse1]

My daily sodium valproate dosage was 1300mg - not too high.
I am trying to get my support from PC and a few close friends, because I cannot handle a boyfriend who doesn't have a grip on his own life and is constantly moaning without once checking up on me. I was meant to go into hospital on Monday to sort my meds before I decided against it - he asked me this morning how the intake process was coming along.
I need to learn some self-care

[faerie_moon_x]

Did you tell him you'd decided against it? If so, then he's obviously not listening. If you didn't, at least he asked?

It can be tricky. Relationships are hard so the question is if all the work is worth it at the end of the day.

[sugahorse1]

:-(
T and I had a chat. I'm changing my mind. It does seem I ought to go to hospital and be fair to everyone.
Let the pdoc know how much of a mess I've made of my meds, stop and detox the lot, and restart from the beginning with a clean slate.
It seems like such a big commitment, when it really shouldn't be. It's only for my benefit anyway. How can I be thinking twice about my health?

[Trippin2.0]

Jackie? You're going in? When? You know I support any decision as long as your wellbeing is the main goal

[sugahorse1]

Waiting for feedback from insurance, and then will get back to T to organize. Any day next week. I just need to sort my head out and accept this decision

[~Christina]

Its hard to make the inpatient decision.. Your very strong!
Detoxing inpatient is so much easier and safer while in the hospital. You don't have the ugly nasty withdrawls.

[Trippin2.0]

Thinking of you Jackie remember, taking care of Jackie is a GOOD thing, its required coz you're worthy

[Blue Poppy]

Originally Posted by sugahorse1

:-(
T and I had a chat. I'm changing my mind. It does seem I ought to go to hospital and be fair to everyone.
Let the pdoc know how much of a mess I've made of my meds, stop and detox the lot, and restart from the beginning with a clean slate.
It seems like such a big commitment, when it really shouldn't be. It's only for my benefit anyway. How can I be thinking twice about my health?

Dear Sugahorse,

I have not been on this site for long, maybe six months, but I have followed your posts. My observation is that you have been really struggling and that there has been a gradual, steady decline. You may have a good weekend or a short period of relief, but it seems that this depressive state has its hold on you.

You mentioned in an earlier post about some relationship issues with your boyfriend. I agree that relationships, when they are not entirely healthy, can be a trigger. So you have your health issues and he is consumed with himself. Kinda sounds like you don't have support at home............

You also mentioned self care. I think that getting detoxed and starting with a clean slate, in an environment where there are people who care about you, sounds like self care to me.

I think on this site we respect each other enough to support each other, regardless of the decisions made. However, if I could be of any influence, I would be directing you to the hospital.

[sugahorse1]

Thanks Blue Poppy. I really appreciate your reply and it means a lot to hear that you care enough. I do think I am probably going to the hospital next week. I need to get my head around the idea.

[sugahorse1]

Starting to feel some kind of physical effects following these last few months of messing with my meds. I'd really like to get into a hospital quickly if this carries on any longer...