My reality has collapsed

I'm a daughter, a sister, an aunt, a friend, an athlete, a student, a Muslim and I'm bipolar. But which of them defines me more than the rest?

From 2007 to the spring of 2011 it was bipolar. I was a mentally ill teenager more than I was anything else.

Then I suddenly became really religious and mystical I don't know if it was a manifestation of my hypomania or true enlightenment, but either way it felt amazing. I felt really close to God and I had the belief that anything other than doing what He wants is unimportant. This was when I stopped taking my meds and no serious problem occured. It went on for about a year.

Then came the London Olympics and being an athlete, I got slightly carried away watching the games. I'm a karateka. Been training for 5 years. Got my black belt in July. There's a great chance that karate will be included in the 2020 Olympics and I decided that I wanted to be there. I was determined. I worked out at the gym in the mornings and practiced my techniques and forms in the afternoons. I had unlimited energy, I had an ambitious goal, I was hopeful and optimistic to the point of foolishness.

But somewhere all of this changed.

I don't even know how it happened. I was in the gym, doing squats when I became tearful without any apparent reason. I went on with my workout, crying silently. My friend asked what was wrong, but I just shook my head.

I won't bore you with any more details, but that was the beginning of a relapse. I had a fortnight of mild to moderate depression, then a little hypomania, depression again, mixed episodes, hypomania, depression, a few hours of normal mood(!), hypomania and in short, one hell of roller coaster ride. There were times when I felt I was completely losing it. I didn't know which of the me's was me to use Kay Redfield Jamison's words. One day it all became too overwhelming and I went to see my pdoc after a year and a half. He prescribed all the old meds for me and I took them for one day! But then my mum talked me out of taking them, even though my sensei (karate teacher) insisted that I take them.

Now that I mentioned my Sensei, I think I need to provide an explanation about my relationship with her. She was great about it when I first told her about my illness four years ago. She was there for me whenever I needed her, whether it was advice I needed or just someone to listen. I used to SI then and I sometimes called her up when the urge was strong and I was trying to fight it. I was also suicidal at times. I actually attempted suicide an overall of 8 times (not proud of it!). After a while it became too much for her. I think it was some time in 2010. She said she was human and she could handle only so much. She said she didn't have anything new to tell me and I should try to manage on my own. It was a blow and a very painful one too, but I liked and respected her none the less for it. I no longer bothered her with my mental health issues. For about a year, she was only my karate teacher. But then I had that spiritual experience I told you about and I started to talk to her about my feelings again and she didn't mind. She's a fairly religious person herself and understood me to a degree. I was in England during the London Olympics. We emailed each other a lot. I would write and tell her about all the things I'd been doing. Once it suddenly occured to me that my emails were a little like Judy Abbot's letters to Daddy Long Legs and I told her this. I even addressed her "Dear Daddy Long Legs" when she didn't answer my emails for a couple of days and it's been a secret joke between us ever since I told her about my goal (2020 Olympics) in an email. She didn't take me very seriously at first, but I came back home and she saw how vigorously I was prepared to train and that changed her mind.

We got on really well for 2 or 3 months, both inside class and out. But my recent relapse put her on her guard again. I don't blame her. She has her own problems. She lives with her parents. Her mother is ill and has had a surgery. Her own brother is bipolar and her best friend has blood cancer. She has enough on her plate without extra servings from me! She told me it had been a mistake to quit my meds and that I need professional help. This shattered me. I had been trying to manage without meds. I didn't want to believe that I needed them. I still don't! Neither do my parents.

One of the worst parts of the whole thing is that karate doesn't feel as real as it used to anymore. I still turn up for class three times a week, but it's just like a habit. It was really important to me before, but I don't seem to care about anything now. And 2020 is so far away!

I feel awful. All dark and cold and empty. Everything seems pointless. I don't like this. I don't like it at all


Wow! Long post! Thanks if you actually read it through to the end

I did read it to the end. Having deja vu, you've told us about your sensei before I think.

This is hard, but you learn some things from her about healthy boundaries. She is setting what she's ok with and what she's not. Friends can't be our therapists, they are too emotionally attached to our pain.

Hard time, but learn from it, this is how you get to know yourself and your multitude of facets. Which one is really you? They are all you. Now you choose which ones you want to nurture, and you can be like sensei. Stay on your path and there may be olympics, or competitions, or travel, or anything, but definitely there will be answers on this path.

lol yeah I have. But I thought perhaps not everyone who reads this post has read all my previous ones so...

The above part in particular was very interesting to me. I'd never thought of it in those terms before.

This one I had thought of, but it was reassuring to hear it from someone else as well.

Thank you BlueInana. That was a helpful reply.

EDIT: Funny how your status update corresponds with the final part of my OP *sad smile here*

Warrioress,

i watched the olympics too and loved them- what events did you like?

Well I liked taekwondo, judo and wushu because they were all martial arts, like karate I was interested in wrestling and weightlifting too, mainly because Iranian Wrestlers and weightlifters are quite good and won a few medals. I enjoyed watching the swimming and gymnastics events as well. You?

Honor your parents, respect your parents, but don't limit yourself to their understanding of the world. It is outdated and fearful. I say this as a 60 year old woman. Find your own way in the world.

This was in my inbox this morning....

*Living is a flow of unknown*

*events; every situation is new*

*and uncertain. To acknowledge*

*this uncertainty of life and to*

*accept it with total abandonment*

*is to live in surrender and faith.*

*(Dada Gavand)*

Thank you hankster. That is most wise. I'll remember it.

That was beautiful and inspiring gabmux. Thanks for sharing.

i enjoyed the swimming/ diving, Equestrian, boxing, track... the lot of it really.

also surprised with how well we did (great britain)

and, i'm not even a sports person..