I know I'm probably having some kind of episode, but I have no idea what kind... I'm only slightly motivated but mainly because there's a lot of stuff I have been procrastinating on. The self-help kick is still in full swing but not to a manic extent. But I'm not depressed either because I'm still taking care of myself hygenically.
And I've been having a lot of really weird neurological craziness going on (like I usually do every few months), so... Maybe that's what is making me think I'm having some kind of episode? Once you know you have Bipolar/psychosis, it's very easy to take all else with a grain of salt if you think your disorder might be the one to blame. I keep getting really bad chills, my head feels like it's buzzing/tingling, I keep getting this weird "vertigo" feeling like when I have my so-called seizures but it's been constant so it can't be that, twitching, fatigue, etc.
*heaving, dramatic sigh*

Time to go watch Desperate Housewives & get some cleaning done. Take care, all!

[Anika.]

Roadie I have had lots of hypo and full blown mania. Honestly I would pick hypo over mania everytime. Mania can be a crash in it's own right not even taking into account the crash into depression afterwards. Just realizing how far you are gone can be really scary. I had many soft landings, but the mania was not really awesome. I hate feeling like I have lost control of my mind or being.

brain hurts. body hurts. emotionally drained. that last one, being emotionally drained, is a good thing. my spirit is waivering but on the higher side.

[roads]

Okay, Anika, no better resource than you when it comes to Bipolar.
I have finally settled into empty, numb feeling, feel the slow leak. Plain all bad but seems secondary to awareness that aloneness in my state in life & needs to be accepted.
Physical pain will always be secondary to that.
Now I just wait for the end, and it won't be long--there is no energy or wish for more.

[Anika.]

Roadie I hate to read that, you are too dear for that. Sounds like something else has settled into you, and you are setteling into back. Maybe an attempt to hold the structure for now while you are here? Opposing things leaning against each other usually stand stronger... why is there so many condtradictions in nature? Maybe they support each other in true fashion, maybe they help each other exist in the first place.

I just don't want to see you settle on that for too long my dear friend. Some things need to be accepted, but what follows that?

[BlueInanna]

Aw (((((Roadie)))))

[roads]

I'm slow to make close, true friends. I don't have that many years left--just realized that that week when my soul at died suddenly. Hardly have time to create that sore of bond with a critter, I'm not sad, not afraid do go ... bucket list finished .
So I just realized, I am so much closer to the end than the middle of my life. I'm okay with that. Not in any hurry, but I'm not going to try to make friends, close friends. It's too hard & never sees to work out. I'll work on accepting that's not meant for me to have now. At least the physical pain doesn't seem so bad, against the emotional emptiness. The numbness seems a gift at the moment.

I'm wide open, Roadie. I would like to be your friend.

[Anika.]

(((Roadie))) I believe spirit transcends time and space. If you can pick up on spirit you there are friends near you. Remember a long time ago I gave you a virtual present, something warm to put in your pocket and hold on to when you need. I remember because I think of you often. That doesn't seem to change the physical but I was just saying in a different thread that physical and spirit may not be seperate but just "one". What I know.. You got kindred spirits.

You had a loss.. thats never something easy to understand let alone accept. But you are so graceful Roadie. Numbness might be a needed gift for now, but the emotional emptiness might also be for now, not forever. Leave the door open just a little or a least unlocked.

Always sitting near as you always tell me. As near as I can. I understand what you are saying.

Originally Posted by Roadie

I'm slow to make close, true friends. I don't have that many years left--just realized that that week when my soul at died suddenly. Hardly have time to create that sore of bond with a critter, I'm not sad, not afraid do go ... bucket list finished .
So I just realized, I am so much closer to the end than the middle of my life. I'm okay with that. Not in any hurry, but I'm not going to try to make friends, close friends. It's too hard & never sees to work out. I'll work on accepting that's not meant for me to have now. At least the physical pain doesn't seem so bad, against the emotional emptiness. The numbness seems a gift at the moment.

Sorry for the loss of your animal companion/friend. Reads like many on PC are here for you and love you very much. You have lots of friends here!


Hope your weekend is a good one!

BPD2 in check for the time being. Headed over to the ex's to see my baby girl who turns 7 on monday and (hopefully) headed to NYC on Sunday, and take her out for the evening. We have some big girl shopping to do. So I am very happy, moods in check till the stress of being over there hits...then we will see what happens...will update later
Have a great weekend all!
to my Northern Friends who are in for a wallop...be safe and stay warm!

[~Christina]

Roadie, You know I love you. I'm always here for you

[Anneinside]

I am not doing well, start out okay in the morning and get worse as the day goes by. I saw a doctor for a physical today for ECT next week. It was okay but did the depression checklist and got a 6, not all that high of course but 3 items at 1/2 the time isn't good either. I am very distracted, I think about something and then it is gone, go into a room and have no clue why I'm there, just forgot what I was going to say. Have trouble remembering what the date is, keep thinking it's October and struggle to remember it's February. Feel trapped, sad, confused, lethargic. I have to wait for ECT on Wednesday. Then maybe things will be better.

[~Christina]

Hang in there Anne

[Cocosurviving]

My day has been good. I spent time with a friend. Picked up my daughter's Girl Scout cookies. I went to the library, ran a errand and talked to two family members. At home I knitted and watched tv. My mood has been good....no low thoughts or crying.

i've been doing okay..

not been doing much, naturally, but i've not had any major issues lately

BPD2 in check. I can feel it lurking though...like its trying to trip me up but I wont let it...it's just been too great of a day!

[Tiger_Lily]

I'm putting of studying and cleaning, both of which I need to do. It causes a wee bit of stress, but, despite waking 2 hours ago, I am tired and more forgiving of my lack of doing.

Been doing pretty well today, despite feeling physically like total hell.

Started re-training my brain VIA tetris & cognifit.com & it's going pretty well so far! I'm excited to be able to regain my former glory & then some... Though I can tell the psychosis might have actually warped my perceptive skills significantly because I seemed to score very poorly in those categories. Ah well!



Just signed up on the NeuroTalk forums to see if I can get advice about that stuff from the other day.

Take care, all!

[Cocosurviving]

Today has been very nice. I started the day off with church and then had to deal with rain. It rained the rest of the day. I met up with a friend and chatted. My mood was mellow and low energy level

[~Christina]

Today is a pain filled pain in the ***. Yesterday My husband and I took the 58 mile drive to a Store called "Hobby Lobby" in hopes to find me something to do, a hobby. Once again I was reminded that I just do not have the creativity gene, So yes a bit depressing but nothing I can do about it. Goal for today ... keeping my pain down.

Things could always be worse.

[Bipolar mom]

Went out for an hour today. First time out of the house in 3 days. I just want to curl up back in bed. Back to work tomorrow

I think I'm finally coming around a little. I'm fatigued, but less discouraged as of late. Maybe, just, maybe my life is salvageable at this point.....on another note found a good trainer to come out and work with me, not as expensive as I thought...thankful it's tax season...yay debt elimination. Income taxes were made for correcting a year's worth of bipolar decisions

Originally Posted by morethingswrong

Today is a pain filled pain in the ***. Yesterday My husband and I took the 58 mile drive to a Store called "Hobby Lobby" in hopes to find me something to do, a hobby. Once again I was reminded that I just do not have the creativity gene, So yes a bit depressing but nothing I can do about it. Goal for today ... keeping my pain down.

Things could always be worse.

You don't necessarily have to be creative to pick up a hobby (p.s. I love Hobby Lobby, so many pretty things.) Something I found I'm good at is the fake flower section. I like to find nice vases to arrange them in or pieces of interesting metal to wind them around. I want to learn to crochet or knit or something, but I can't seem to teach myself. Oh yeah their tie-dye kits can be fun...and that take's absolutely no talent to create good stuff. Good luck finding a hobby, I know that repeated quest all too well.

[roads]

Originally Posted by morethingswrong

Today is a pain filled pain in the ***. Yesterday My husband and I took the 58 mile drive to a Store called "Hobby Lobby" in hopes to find me something to do, a hobby. Once again I was reminded that I just do not have the creativity gene, So yes a bit depressing but nothing I can do about it. Goal for today ... keeping my pain down.

Things could always be worse.

What about face creations? You're so clever with tattoo/piercing/hair chalk/make-up. What about face creations, painted masks and such, for kids? Maybe sick children?

Just a thought ...

I'm going to try to get my PT back today. Wish me luck. Why do I have to beg? I have insurance ... Doctor prescribed it ... Some people just like being mean, I think!!

Oh yeah, & my toilet overflowed last night. I'm too weak anymore to turn the water off so had to waken my sweet neighbor. Really am loving 2013 so far
roadie