[roads]

Ophthalmologist says sight will continue to change unpredictably & I could lose it without warning, but conditions are rare & I need to live with it. Allows that the not-knowing could "drive a person crazy."

How easily outsiders use these terms. How deeply the knife pierces, twists. I stare a lot--thoughtless.

Mixed? Depressed? Normal? All alone.

[liveforfish]

Not bad. Actually thinking of doing my taxes.

I made it through the night. I was extremely bored but didn't give in to anything that can get me in trouble. Haven't drank for about 7 months. So I'm on my way. Started exercising again. With my back pain its slow going but I'm doing it at least.

[Moreta]

I am so tired today, and I didn't get up till 10. This tegretol is really kicking my butt. Hopefully the side effects will go away soon. I want to go back on Gralise, but I'm going to wait until these side effects are gone.

[H0P3L3SS_1]

Cant force myself out of bed today. Been sleeping on and off combined with reading on here in between sleeping. But haven't left my bed yet today. I need to snap outa this.

[mlovesmath]

Frustrated. Pdoc and I thought I was going in the right direction in lessening my zyprexa dose, but bam, along came another manic episode. Wondering if I'll ever get off this drug.

[roads]

pdoc hasn't been able to do anything helpful with meds ... maybe time to quit them

this numb, empty feeling is driving depression so much deeper--sucking hole

[kindachaotic]

had a good day, best in a long, long time.
beautiful day, fiddled in yard a bit.
talked to couple neighbors.
felt like *half* normal, gonna enjoy while I can!

Today was a great day especially after I got my daughter out from in front of the TV (granted, she was watching Veggie Tales but still, it was BEAUTIFUL outside today!) and we went outside to kick a soccer ball around and play tag (I am always "IT").
It was a super nice day here in Charlotte, NC!

This wasn't on the first page, weird.
I'm suspicious of people now. Maybe writing it here will help. I think that T is trying to trap me and P is analyzing everything I say and she thinks I'm a lying attention seeker, and so does everyone here. I think my friends are trying to control me. And everyone out there is looking at me all the time because I'm so skinny. I think whenever I open my mouth they think I'm lying. I don't want to go outside. I hate that I wrote this.
This is going to go away.

I'm back from T, still sort of paranoid but now very, very depressed too. He was blunt and I don't feel like he takes me seriously. I told him I don't need rehab, that's like treating diabetes by talking about how much you crave candy. It doesn't solve anything if you already know why you eat candy and what it does to you. So he said he's not going to send me anywhere else if I don't want to go to rehab. Fine. I'll stay at home. All day, every day. I made some really bad decisions about my near future now and I'm going to stick with them. First I'm going to try to induce mania. Being sick is better than this farce anyway. This is absurd.

[douglas76]

If you analyze a persons action and words over time, then you can see discrepancies. Why should I trust someone that proves over and over again, in my eyes alone it seems, that they can't be trusted?!!??

On a separate note, I don't have a sex addiction. Why does she keep saying that? No means no. I won't go out and try to have sex just because she said no. Sex is the most complete way I can show her that I love her. When she say's no sex, comfort without sex, all I can think about is what have i done wrong? Is it me? do I have a sex addiction? does she not like the sex? Does she have sex with me only because she has to? Am I that repulsive in the bedroom that she can't? Once a week, in my opinion is not enough, and that once a week is ALWAYS conditional.

Finally, I'm not being paranoid if I know they are talking about me. Why does it feel like that when I am "normal"?

[SCchan]

Kinda flat, with a bit of up and down mixed..
I'm scribbling through some webpages (and this forum) even though there are loads of work to do....maybe just lack the motivation to start it

[roads]

pdoc out till 25 April. He thinks I'm still physically too whipped to deal with grief and urges retirement. No one without agendas to talk with. Spinning to inertia.

Still not able to sleep, exhausted. .but not manic. Appt. soon with doctor

[Moreta]

I'm so damn agitated today. Probably cause my back dr said there's not much more he can do for me. I seriously wish I didn't get addicted to narcotics, but it happens every damn time. So I'm stuck with bullsh** meds that do basically nothing. The shots don't work either.

[~Christina]

I am .. I am just exhausted physically and mentally and toss in a pretty bad session of deep cutting .

My life doesn't make much sense lately.

[Cocosurviving]

Originally Posted by Little Me

Difficult week. Stress, downs , sadness and deep depression. When I get home from work or exercise I feel better. Weekends are better too. The sun helps too. I am despairing and feeling alone. Great therapists but no one else to talk to. My bipolar is from long and lots of trauma and everybody thinks I'm "all better now" so I have to put on the mask all the time. It's lonely under the mask.

Sending you a big hug

[Cocosurviving]

My day was pretty good. I have a late start at first. Then later hung out w/ some friends. I'm still in the prepping to move process. People have been helpful enough to bring me boxes. I received two loads of boxes today. My friends sent me home w/ lots of food so I didn't have to prepare dinner.
I had good convo w/ my mom and aunt.
The only issue I had today was waking up at 2AM. I took a Trazadone and was able to get back to sleep.

I should be sleeping, but im wide awake after 2 hrs of sleep. People suggest sleeping pills but i have tried them before. I think im just worried about the future.

Christina~

I had a good day. Went grocery shopping and made dinner. Worried about my son as he has therapy tomorrow and is staying up all night and sleeping all day. I hope he gets up or he will be in trouble with the courts. I will be going though. Hope I'm able to sleep tonight.

[SCchan]

Had an energetic, happy, and bubbly mood this morning--but now is confused, filled with feelings I don't know how to name, somehow mixed with anger and pissed off here and there.. Just another ordinary swing of mood, meh
Wish that I can get into that happy mood again asap, need to study for the exams =="

[roads]

Hey SCchan, get ready to study!
Draw on a study mask, make up a study-reality TV show episode with the many twists and only productive results, and have a happy-mood study session!

I'm serious. Practice can get 15-20 min results.
Go for it! before you dismiss it out-of-hand.

[Cocosurviving]

This morning I was in a funky mood. I didn't wanna go anywhere or do anything. I had planned on going to the gym early. After watching tv and getting on PC, FB and Twitter....I felt better. My mood improved and I went to the gym.