Kinda feeling sorry for myself

I'm still here, but still going through the awful highs and lows of these horrible med changes.

Friday, I finally went to Urgent Care because the anxiety attacks (three days of constant chest pain) were scaring me. I just kept thinking "What if this isn't just anxiety?"

The doctor there was great. They put me on an EKG, and then the doctor came in, and we talked about my med changes, etc. She asked me if I had ever been on something that actually helped. Then, she prescribed me 30 2 mg pills of Ativan.

On Saturday, Mom took me to get my script filled, but the pharmacy didn't have the pills I needed. So, they called the Urgent Care, and another doc there said not to let me have it. Instead, they prescribed me 10 .5 mg pills.

I lost it. I was crying, yelling, screaming and cussing. That's NOT the person I am. I honestly feel like it was the chemicals (from med changes) talking.

They told me my pills would be ready in fifteen minutes. I planned to walk back in and apologize. It wasn't the pharmacist's fault. As I walked up to the register, the pharmacist looked at his assistant, and I watched the laugh at me. I still apologized, and when I got back out to the car, I told Mom I just wanted to come home.

I got home, and cried myself to sleep. My step daughter was here this weekend, and because of the emotional roller coaster I was on, I decided she wouldn't be able to stay with just me.

I woke up this morning at 3 am. I woke up shaking with RAGE. I came out to my livingroom, and spent the next five hours arguing with myself about weather or not I should just take every single bit of insulin in the house (a two month supply).

At eight o'clock in the morning, when I knew she would be waking up soon, I took my night-time medicines. The most horrible thing in the world is being scared that you might hurt your child.

Since I woke up again, I have spent the day on the couch, so depressed I don't want to move, and scared to get near my refrigerator, because there's enough insulin in there to kill me.

You know, there's a man here in the states who went on a shooting spree on Friday. His name is Adam Lanza, and he shot up an elementary school, killing (I think) 20 children, and 8 women, before he killed himself.

I wonder if he was going through a huge med change???

I kinda know how you feel i havent been on meds in a long time and it bothers me ive tried non med treatment and no effect and my meds are either too low or too strong so im either zombie or the hulk...........its hard to deal with its even harder to live with but knowing that you arent alone in this can provide even at the least a bit of confort and support......dont feel sorry dont feel sad im fighting to same fight with you even if you dont know me......

Honey Bee, you sound like this med change phase has you in a really low depressive state and it would be a really wise idea for you to not be alone. Can you be with your mom? If you are thinking thoughts about there being enough insulin in the fridge that you could use to kill yourself, it's time to reach out for help. You are in pain right now and there are people that can help. Med changes can be hard. Really hard. But if they are causing you to feel suicidal, then you need to call your p-doc and let them know, and you probably go to the hospital for a little bit. I know it may seem a little scary, but they can help you get through your med change faster than you would at home. They can help this not be as scary and painful. The point of going in is so that they can quickly make adjustments as you tell them what is and isn't working. And also so you can get some physical and emotional rest. You have said that it is a horrible feeling when you are scared that you might hurt your child; you obviously showed great love your step daughter and put her first by not having stay when you felt it wasn't going to be a good place for her to be. Love yourself too and reach out for some help, okay? And keep posting here so we can know you're okay? <3

Devine, I hope you get some relief soon. I know that five or six weeks of the constant mood changes, and now the anxiety attacks are enough to drown me in myself

PiperLeigh, Two weeks ago, my husband and myself went in, and at that time, i asked my doctor to either hospitalize me, or have me arrested, because not only do I feel like a threat to myself, but I feel like a threat to everyone around me.

Tomorrow, I am calling again. This time, I plan to take my mom in with me. (My husband was a little too quick to answer questions that he didn't know the answers to, and he talked them out of putting me back on the meds that actually HELPED!)

Wish me luck! And thanks for some great advice!

me too tuesday is my in take appointment for behavioral therapy and a bed in the hospital near me........... i scare me too its like if you dont react you panic and get so anxious that you could possibly walk a hole into the floor.....I hope you find the strength to get through this I know you have something it takes alot to see the issues we have and to deal with it even more I know you will get better.....good luck, and thank you.

Devine, it sounds like you're facing a LOT! Are you sure that they are putting you in-patient? No one will admit me.

Either way, I hope it helps to know that this won't last forever! "This to shall pass" as they say!

I can imagine how you feel as I've been there myself, it's terrible and all the thoughts that go through your head can be troubling. Just hang in there and let the meds have a chance to work before you do anything foolish. Please if you feel thy Sui then you need to go to the closest psych er and turn yourself over for a few days while they get your meds right. Please don't hesitate to do that.

Well, I go in to see the doc tomorrow. Mom is taking me. I'll be glad to get home and go back to sleep

I'm glad your seeing the dr tomorrow.

hi

just now found your thread

I am sorry you are in a bad place and hope it passes quickly. So you did start the new meds? What med is it?

I agree that if you are unsafe you either need to be with your mom or be admitted to a psych hospital. I've been unsafe and didn't like being inpatient with all the restrictions but it was what I needed.

Please be safe and let us know how you are doing.

Thank you Miguel's mom! I did get in to see the doctor. She agreed to put me back on (what seem to be) the right meds for me.

Yoda, I had been on Seroquel for eight years, before I got a new doctor who said she thought the risks outweighed the benefits of me taking it. She's had me weening myself down for the last six or so weeks, and it's been awful! (I went from 600 mgs xr to 100 mg straight release).

I took my first dose of 50 mg XR yesterday at noon. I took the second dose of 50 mg around 5 pm, and finally 200 mg at bedtime. Already, there is a huge difference!

That's great honey. Hopefully getting back on the right meds will help you.

I'm so glad to hear that things seem to be on their way back to a healthier place