[Secretum]

I feel really nauseous and anxious. I think a big part of it is the latte I had this morning; caffeine sometimes affects me more strongly than other times.

But I know that part of it is related to how much I shared with the school pdoc yesterday. I feel like she knows too much now. I think I worried her, and I don't like that. I feel like she has a wrong impression of me; yes, my symptoms are scary, but I am more than them.

Even worse, she said that she wants to consult my pdoc in the states within the next two days. She's going to call him, and...well, I haven't told him half of what I told her. So some things are really going to shock him. Also, I don't know how detailed she is going to be when describing my more severe symptoms. I hope she keeps things really general.

I don't know why I feel so uncomfortable with them knowing. They've seen so many patients in their careers, many of which are much worse off than I am. But logic just isn't getting through to my emotions.

I've been trying to take deep breaths. I couldn't pay attention in my first class because I feel so nauseous and anxious. I know that it's gross, but I hope that I vomit soon so that the nausea lessens.

How can I calm down? I know that it is a stupid thing to get so worked up about. Thanks.

[Confusedinomicon]

Try putting your hand on your heart to help steady your breathing. (To slow down heart beats)

Being honest is hard, especially when you feel so good about yourself. The anxiety probably won't go away until you hear from your doctor. The feelings are normal. Try not to focus so much on the consequences of not being honest to your pdoc and just remember that they are going to work together to help stabilize? your mood.

To be perfectly honest, your pdoc should not be mad or reprimand you for not telling him about your elevated mood. It's hard to admit you need a mood fixin' when you're feeling high. It's good that he knows as you start to crash? so he can help implement some preventive to hopefully discourage a full-on depression.

[Secretum]

Thanks for the comforting response! I'm not too worried about him knowing about the hypo/mania. I am more worried about him knowing about my past delusions; I gave the school pdoc my complete history, including the strange things that I've believed over the years. I never mentioned anything to my pdoc at home that I thought might make me seem "crazy", and I'm scared of how this knowledge will shape his opinion of me.

[Odee]

I definitely have a bad habit of feeling angry/vulnerable/avoidant to those that I have exposed myself to. But it's necessary to do so if you're going to get the best treatment that you can get.

it's nothing that an experienced pdoc hasn't dealt with before. His only opinion change should be in what treatment he will recommend.

[~Christina]

Pdoc have heard it all and they know the majority of patients aren't 100% honest. We all have our little secrets. Don't worry.

[BlueInanna]

How u doing now, any better I hope?

[Secretum]

Thanks for asking. I'm doing better today. Last night was really hard; the anxiety got really intense after I went to bed. My moods were swinging extraordinarily fast even by my standards, and I couldn't stop thinking of ways to kill myself to stop the anxiety, punish myself for feeling like that in the first place, etc. Which scared me even more because I'm pretty scared of death (I was raised to believe in hell, and while I don't really believe in hell anymore, I don't want to take that chance). I wasn't sure if I really wanted to, or if my mind was just trying to freak me out more. Now, I'm pretty sure that it was just obsessional anxiety, and that I wasn't in any danger.

So, overall I feel much better, but it got worse before I could get here.

[Secretum]

Starting to feel bad again. I'm seeing the school pdoc again in 3 hours. Hopefully she'll have some suggestions on how to get this under control.

[Secretum]

She's adding 2.5 mg of zyprexa to what I'm already taking. She thinks that she'll probably have to add another 2.5 mg later, but we're starting small. Also, I can take it as needed to calm me down. Hopefully this will help!

[Darth Bane]

I was raised to believe in hell, and while I don't really believe in hell anymore, I don't want to take that chance

I hope all AGNOSTICS end up in the hell !!!!!

but in all seriousness hope you feel better..... some of your posts are so positive...... sometimes its hard to believe you are feeling depressed...

[Secretum]

Haha; I'm not depressed at all. Mostly manic, with a lot of mood fluctuation...the sui thoughts were brought on by anxiety and extremely fast cycling, not depression.

[BlueInanna]

So have I already told you about double punishing yourself? I still do it even though I've done a lot of mindfulness meditation and stuff. I want to get back to more frequent meditations. So you're already having horrible anxiety and possibly mania and it's so bad that you start having sui ideations... then you get mad at yourself about it... horrible circle. Not fair to you, please don't double triple quadruple punish yourself.