Is it me...

Or is it getting a little depressing around here? Is it the winter blues? I have to say I feel guilty for not being depressed or down really at all. Sorry some of you are having such a rough go of it.

it's my fault for that. I kinda took over the forum being home today and all.

yeah Clint man!...

the audacity of it all..!...not being depressed ...?

"please back away from the joy...thats it!...hands above your head!...right where I can see em'....now spread em'!"

...

Its not just you dan it seems like alot of people are having trouble. I am glad you are at least getting it out there on here. Stay safe buddy.

Lol monkey I needed that to make my day. Thanks buddy.

I keep having mixed episodes like crazy... I am trying hard to be a ray of sunshine or a glimmer of hope but ultimately I just feel like a rotton failure.

..oh Dan you too...?

"ok dude!...drop the weapon NOW!...hands on the hood!...now!...you have the right to remain silent!"

yeah, me too lol. I posted about my past earlier and got my panties all up in a bunch over it. lol.

...ever considered you got reasons for this apparent and colossal inability?

me neither!...and how ridiculous but suddenly just thought about it..

it's ok

Ha.. I don't know if you just insulted me or tried to make me feel better. Wow I feel dense

yeah saw that...

and detective monkey followed the clues to your insecurities!..

hehe..

does not pay to be too over-aware about our under-wear

Oh monkey wouldnt try to offend anybody he just asking why do you think you feel this way. Why do you feel like a failure. No one is a failure just in a different place than others.

lol.... Oh Clinte..... you sure are making the best of all this!

your not kidding. I kinda wish I didn't know now what i didn't know then.

I dont know. I guess I am desperately searching for a purpose. Outside of mental illness I have other health issues acting a fool right now. I had a botched surgery and now am waiting on a corrective one so it prevents me from being out in the world trying to help. So I try to help where I can... and I feel like I am just making things worse for folks today.

I try the best I can Im having a hard time trying to cheer my friends up. But I agree with dan. I wish I didnt know now what I didnt know then.

What do you mean by 'didn't know now?'

sometimes when I read your stuff Dan.. it looks exactly like my stuff!

are there two riddlers in Batmans world or Thatmans world?

I am grateful

oh... I wish I didn't know that my condition had a name. that I even had a condition. I want to go back to thinking that this was life and it was this way for everyone. I did so good managing and handling things the best I could. I would not waver, would not give up. I made a life for myself despite having an illness since the age of nine. I did do good. I overcame.

and now. now it has a name. there is a reason and i know it. when I get depressed now, it's not like it's just a fact of life and I need to keep on trucking. no..... it's depression. I'm tired..... and I want to give in soooooo bad to just sleeping all day and not giving a care to what I need to do all in the name of depression. I would have never thoguht that way before....

I would have never wanted to use that excuse before....

before... if I stayed in bed all day.... i was doing the best that I could. but now, I don't want to do the best that I can. I was never defeated until they gave me a name for my condition. now...... now it's hard to see the point. it's a fight that I can never win. the first fight that I ever backed down from..... willingly..... was this one. and now... that's carried over to so many areas of my life.. to where I am tired of fighting.

so yes, I surely wish I had no clue. i wish I didn't know now what I didnn't know then.

I have times I feel like that too, however back in the day I would wonder what the hell was wrong with me once I noticed others didn't act like me. I stuck out big time. And I had no choice but to face that this beast has a name. Now I think of it just as that.. Its a beast that lives within me and I try to not let it take control.. Like a battle of Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde

it's hard for me to not give up when it's a life sentence sometimes. not when I have all day to think about it.

Its always the worst when one is left alone to think about it. I know thats when I cycle the worst

here is a word thats gonna kill it!

limits

well actually thats more like a statement...the damn plural asswipe variation on the much more assimilated limit...!

most everyones' got a limit for sure like the burning rabbits hop faster than the frozen seaguls fly slower!

most nobodies' got limits like the crushed backbone goats crawl more haphazardly than the brainwashed unfed goldfish swim upside-down!

and once again I got lost in the imagination??

like I give a toss if I make any sense...(well I do a bit)

but it's ok either way

You know what I want more than anything? Seriously... I want someone to sit down with me, sincerely, and tell me it's ok to give up. to reassure me that it would be ok and that I didn't have to do this anymore.

that would mean the world to me. to not have to fight through these emotions everyday.... just give into them..... without the consequences..... just to exist..... it's a fantasy that I have. it exists far away, out of reach. this person, they would be my angel, my saving grace.

and then I saw the word limits... lmao.... and reality comes smacking me in the face again. haha