what if?

what would it be like to just give in to the emotions. to not fight them anymore. would it be bad? would it give me peace? Not sui or anything.... but to just give in and stop fighting. what would come of everything? is it the right step maybe and I'm too scared to take it? Or is it the wrong thing and I'm condemned to a lifetime of fighting them?

I just have to wonder what would happen. would it be giving up? what would it be?

what would it be like?

well my freind I guess this is where we are different...but don't panic!...ok

firstly?...if it's giving up?....then it just aint!

firstly again?...if it's a fight?...yes it is

I can see you are trapped inside constraint!...
(I don't know how this happens?)

you have superior control perhaps Dan more than serious mental illness has over you....?

....

the real test is society Dan

and the 'situation'...of you and it...yep

and another frightening word is about to arrive....

boundaries...followed immediately by an equally disturbing word...reality

these both have made a dangerous fool out of me!

you aint missing out on anythin' dude....cops, handcuffs, ambos, psych wards, sedatives ...strait jackets...armed guards ...lock up cells...surgery...restraints....oxygen masks...

and way too many hard to answer questions

yes. ok, i do tend to freak out.

but the kids are almost home and once again... i don't know what to do to be ok for them. i go on autopilot when this happens and it always turns out ok... but i'm tired of being ok when i'm not.

no way!!

what??

...

maybe nobody else is freaking out enough!

so you look like the only one!

huh?

just maybe

I know I do

so i guess when the time gets near I freak out.

i just want to live in a world where i don't have to be ok and for it to be ok

that's what I was saying... earlier..

I should go. they are here. damnit.

im not okay. i haven't been okay in a while now. but i fake it and i make it and ... i don't know james... it's never going to be okay, is it? this ****ing life sentence

but just ask anyone... i am fine... ha! I just want to give it all up. give up this fight. I want to just sink into this depression i've been fighting off and sleep. but nooooooo... never me... can't do that!

i have to go and be okay now.

yeah I know you do mate...

and IT will.....

you got the balls Dan....

to wait around for the patience

...and the kids know better than we do,

try to not expect what you can do for them!

allow them to do for you...

turn you back into a kid...AWESOME!

ok

and if that made no sense then thats even more ok!

my heart is racing james! i get so freaked out that they will see it.

even more freaked out that my wife will see it

and are they about to compare it to ..??

what?

your IQ Dan surpasses even your own damaged senses poor bastard!

the world around you is unbelievably simple dude...

heart attacks are kinda not allowed at this point

(did I just give a crap about you?....ummm!)

hehe

hmmmmm... I guess I feel guilty and I feel like it's wrong. like I am doing something wrong when i am not okay. like there is blame. or shame. i don't know exactly how I feel, but i do panic about it a lot

and i will lie about it to avoid the drama that others will have about it. "Call your doctor!" "Get this under control!" it's always been a bad thing for me to not be okay... crisis time. I can't handle crisis time when I'm like this

well.... it's one of the few times i am actually near tears and everyone has gotten home. so I need to go sit down in the shower for a while to cool off and get a grip on this task at hand. this sucks, james. this really hurts today and i don't know why today is any different than any other day. it's supposed to be a good day.

I dont' cry. i don't let myself. i internalize everything and i don't cry. i'm not about to now.

all I can say is you got much more strength than me...

I set myself up to suffer alone...
cos I knew it was gonna be bad

even when it's getting worse..it's only me on my back

...and yet I see you and I see proof that I could maybe have what you got in your life.....

company and responsibility...could destroy you ...and yet you are so much stronger than me and I thought I was!