I am sitting here crying. I thought I was stable but I'm not. I'm so ready to take all these pills. I call and you never call me back. I thought you were my best friend. I was wrong. I thought it was unconditional but I uess it just faded away. I'm ready to go.

[wildchild r]

omg, your screaming for help!I know exactly how you feel, as bad as it sounds, that would be a selfish thing to do because there are people who care about you.
it just dosent seem like it right now.
Hang in there ,I know you will

[manicminer]

Originally Posted by TheHighPriestess

I am sitting here crying. I thought I was stable but I'm not. I'm so ready to take all these pills. I call and you never call me back. I thought you were my best friend. I was wrong. I thought it was unconditional but I uess it just faded away. I'm ready to go.

(((((Priestess)))) Positive vibes your way

Go where? Taking the pills won't make the person call you.

There are too many people that love you and will miss you. And whatever is troubling you, you will never know the relief from the trouble if you go through with this. You'll just be gone, and no one wants that.

I have this impulse to just down all these pills. I keep fighting this urge. I'm scared. And all alone. Literally.

It's not the person. I just thought he'd be there. It's just that I always have to face this alone. I thought I was stable. But these pills they give me are failing right now. I'm tired of these ups and downs and I'm tired of living. I need help.

[manicminer]

Originally Posted by TheHighPriestess

It's not the person. I just thought he'd be there. It's just that I always have to face this alone. I thought I was stable. But these pills they give me are failing right now. I'm tired of these ups and downs and I'm tired of living. I need help.

Then go get help. Is there a help line you can call? There's always 911

I'm just scared. I know I can call them but I have my kids to be here for right now. Their dad is at work.

[optimize990h]

Originally Posted by TheHighPriestess

I have this impulse to just down all these pills. I keep fighting this urge. I'm scared. And all alone. Literally.

Are you ready for 911? Are you still having that impulse?

You are fighting the urge, can you call 911?

Once you call 911 just wait for somebody to show up.

[newtus]

this is why i dont get involved with people. well partially why. that and im scared of people.

[southpole]

(((((High Priestess)))))

Please call someone to help you. If there is a help line or crisis center call as they will be able to help. Can you call your husband and tell him to come home?

In the meantime, hold on. Remember that these feelings will pass - it's the BP talking. Just sit with things and breathe and let yourself just feel ... and keep posting on here. We can help.

[~Christina]

Awww hun Please reach out for what ever help you need. Take your pills in the bottle and wrap them in walmart bags( a lot) and tie knots in them add tons of tape and lock them in your trunk.. It will help you deal with impulses.. Please know that moods will come and go, It's a damn cycle but eventually things will improve you know this deep down.

I will share with you something my T talked to me about .. If a Parent commits suicide it increases there childs risk of suicide by 50% Yes 50%.. Your kids need you.

Reach out for whatever help you need, Please, it will get better.

[BlueInanna]

(((((HP)))))
You are loved, I'm sorry you are hurting so bad.

I KNOW things will improve? That's a lie. This viscious cycle gets worse and worse with every round. Perhaps I could be so blinded by illusion but no. I feel nothing but wrongness and failure. I am a burden on everyone. I disappoint all those around me. I will fight this urge all night and go to the hospital in the morning regardless of what my hubby thinks. He's mad that I want to make him miss work. Ha!

[manicminer]

Originally Posted by TheHighPriestess

I KNOW things will improve? That's a lie. This viscious cycle gets worse and worse with every round. Perhaps I could be so blinded by illusion but no. I feel nothing but wrongness and failure. I am a burden on everyone. I disappoint all those around me. I will fight this urge all night and go to the hospital in the morning regardless of what my hubby thinks. He's mad that I want to make him miss work. Ha!

That's when I knew it was time to go check myself in. When I could see no positive end in sight and there was nothing I could do to help it.

But I got the help i needed and things have improved, even though that seemed completely impossible at the time

[newtus]

do you check in yourself a lot?

[BipolaRNurse]

Priestess, my friend, you and I both have been through depressions before, and we know they ALWAYS end.....at some point. This will not last forever. I won't blow sunshine up your skirt and tell you that the sun will come out tomorrow, but I do want you to give yourself and your family at least a few more tomorrows.

PLEASE get someone to watch the kids and go to the hospital ASAP, if you haven't already. I know this feels awful, and I've said the same things about my family being better off without me because I'm sick and a screw-up, but you can't let yourself believe that. Your children need their mother, and you need them. Please get help so you can watch them grow up and dance at their weddings and hold your first grandchild. Those are some of the best experiences life has to offer---you don't want to miss them!

[Victoria'smom]

Please stay safe tonight and get to the hospital as soon as possible.

Originally Posted by newtus

do you check in yourself a lot?

no. Why?

[newtus]

i was jw about # of hospitalizations

I just gotta get through this night. I'm going to the hospital in the morning. Thanks for all the support.

So now you are at the hospital. I hope that you find some peace there. peace... watching everyone scurry around you, peace knowing that their whole existance right now is for your own well being. that they exist right now just because of you! they want to help you, THP.... and if you let them.....

I don't pray.... instead I feel intensly about things. So when I say that my heart goes out to you, sitting on that hospital bed.... know that it literally does.

get better

for yourself and your kids....
and put that wall up....
so that no man can hurt you like that again.....

The right thing to do, High Priestess, to go to the hospital to relieve this episode.

I'm listening to you when you feel like writing again.

Take care.

[faerie_moon_x]

Hoping you're doing better and you can find some healing today.

I'm back from the hospital and feeling better. Thanks for all your thoughts and best wishes as well as your concern. Thank you.

[~Christina]

Glad you are feeling better