[purpledaisy]

Well, I'm in a funk.

I don't think I'm more depressed than I have been. I've had sort of a low-grade depression streak for several months now, ever since pdoc put me on Welbutrin SR 100 mg twice per day and nothing else.

Now I'm back to thinking this must be all there is to life after all, why bother to try to make my situation better, I'll never be successful, I'll never have enough money to be comfortable, I'll never have my act together, my house will always look like I'm ready to be on an episode of "Hoarders," my weight will always be way too high.

Seriously.

Yesterday I was telling my son that I've decided that this really is all there is to life, so why bother. He didn't have a response. He's probably tired of the rollercoaster of living with me for all these years.

Last night I looked through some old emails and realized it has been 8 years since I started working on a business plan for one aspect of my business.

8 years.

If I was going to do it, wouldn't I have done it by now?

I've bought courses, teleseminars, webinars, CDs, DVDs, ebooks, and I've flown to several workshops and seminars to learn more about my business, how to market it, how to stay in a positive mindset, how to get things done, etc. I've spent THOUSANDS of dollars on this stuff, with just $10,000 in the last 3 years.

Was I manic during the times I spent all that money and traveled? Maybe. But I've always known since I was a kid that working a regular job wasn't for me.

So now I'm mad at myself because I haven't implemented what I know. I will implement part of the way, and then sabotage myself or something legit gets in the way.

[usbusi]

I hear ya about putting off expanding business. I'm guilty as well for the same or longer amount of time.

but it's not like there is a deadline. when the time is right, you'll do it.

[unaluna]

Today is the first day of the rest of your life. Stop eating carbs and dairy - if I can do it for a week, so can you! I know, is there ANYTHING worse than a depressed optimist??!

[purpledaisy]

Carbs and dairy?

No problem with giving up dairy because it gives me the poops.

Carbs might be difficult.

I started going to a gym about a week and a half ago, and was doing great with walking on the treadmill and doing the stationary bike. Then the free session with the personal trainer came along, and the very small amount of work he made me do was way too much. I haven't been back for 6 days.

But I'm finally a lot less sore so I am going back today for the treadmill and bike. I'm not doing the stuff the personal trainer showed me until I'm totally not sore.

It's not like there is a deadline. Well, there sort of is a deadline, but we never know when that deadline will fall since we have no idea when we'll die. I'd like to accomplish something with my life before then.

[purpledaisy]

Sorry. I'm just whining.

Not really whining. More like being mad at myself and wondering why I've wasted all these years.

I started following one business guru 8 years ago. I found the very first email newsletter that I received from this person, deep within my email account last night. I was just curious about how long I had known about this guru (who I have now met in person several times since I have attended several live events), and I was stunned to see that it was 8 years.

8 years.

When I first found this person and bought some of their coaching services, I was so excited about the prospect of turning my life around, making more money, and helping the people out there who need me.

8 years of procrastinating.

8 years of telling myself I'm not good enough at what I do to ask for money from customers.

8 years of having customers here and there, and then nothing for a while, and then customers again.

8 years of getting more out of the feeling of "Someday my dreams will come true" rather than using that time to work toward making those dreams come true.

[BlackPup]

You can't change the past but you can change the future. It's all about little steps in the right direction. You know what you have to do so chip away at it little by little and you will get there.
Maybe you need a new pdoc. You still sound depressed - maybe you need more/ different meds.

[bos314489]

[quote=purpledaisy;2841471]Sorry. I'm just whining.

Not really whining. More like being mad at myself and wondering why I've wasted all these years.

I hear you. I feel the same like I have wasted a lot of years due to my illness. I had to drop out of a college program that I was in to get into the medical field and have struggled finding a decent job all my life. I don't make very much money at all and I do not feel sucessful in life. I really want to feel sucessful. I am not talking about becoming a millionarie but making more money so that I am not living paycheck to paycheck. I work full time but I am also an artist on the side and am trying to open my own business and market my art. I feel like I really want to be able to suceed at that. I hope you feel better. I am presently in a big time funk myself.

[Secretum]

((purpledaisy)) I completely understand how you feel. I have 1,000s of "great ideas", but so far, I have not been not dedicated enough to see any of them through to fruition. When I am depressed, my thoughts often follow the pattern yours are-what is the point, I'm never going to do anything meaningful, I'm never going to amount to anything, never will be worth anything, never will be successful.

This kind of hopelessness is very dangerous because it leads to suicidal ideation. All the times when I came close to ending my life, I had been feeling extremely hopeless. My psychopathology professor even said that suicidality is better predicted by the severity of a patient's hopelessness than by the overall severity of his/her depression.

Please, try to get better treatment so that you don't feel so hopeless. Let your pdoc know that this is a symptom that you will not tolerate. I'm in remission now, and let me tell you, there is nothing more beautiful than hope. You deserve to feel like your life can change in positive ways.

[hamster-bamster]

Just cardio at the gym and maybe for shorter periods of time initially to avoid burnout.

[BlueInanna]

Screw that f'in personal trainer! Those guys are scammers. I once thought this cute one was talking to me cuz he liked me, but nope, fell right into his stupid speel. Screw that, you don't need personal trainer, no , no , and no!

I've been reading and watching some entrepreneurial motivational stuff lately. Couple things stuck out, "Planning is the kiss of death for entrepreneurialism" quote by Peter Drucker and then in a TedTalk by Ernesto Stromboli (sp?) awesome TedTalk vid called, Shut up and Listen. This idea only makes sense in getting it off the ground - too much planning takes the air from your wings, takes the creativity out of it. The other message from Ernesto was that the keys to success in business are: awesome products, awesome marketing, awesome financial skills and backing.. and that an entrepreneur encompassing all 3 of those skills has never been born. He says it takes more than 1 person to really make it work.

Maybe you've already heard all that, but it was new to me and pretty interesting I thought.

[purpledaisy]

Thanks, everyone!

I guess I just need a few days to wallow in my own misery every once in a while.

I didn't make it back to the gym yesterday, but I am determined to go today and take it easy.

This morning I made myself get up after my alarm + 1 snooze. That's good, because lately I've been getting up at 10:00 or 11:00 a.m., and by the time I'm actually awake and able to function, it's pretty late in the day.

I have my to do list, but that doesn't really mean anything since I sabotage it so often and don't do the things listed on it just to spite myself.

But I'm trying to have a better attitude today