I want my cake and eat it too

That's right I said it! Does that make me selfish, greedy? I don't know, butt I feel I must admit the truth. In my relationship, if we were more sexually compatible, it'd be perfect, but we're not. I can't seem to make myself face the fact of leaving because no one will ever compare on the other facets of the relationship. Our intimacy level will never change, that has become abundantly clear. An open relationship, out of the freakin question.

So, I'm left here wondering what now. I can't go. I can't stay, at least not faithfully I've proven. So I don't know what to do, I want my cake and eat it too!

Sorry to hear that.

But, I don't see why that's having your cake and eating it too? A relationship should be fulfilling to you in all aspects. A companion to talk to about anything, a person you feel safe being with (no abuse,) and someone to keep you physically happy as well. Intimacy is emotional, spiritual, and physical. Maybe it's impossible to meet all at 100%, but we should all strive to be as close as possible. And, if one 3rd of the pie will never even come close? That's a huge problem in a relationship, especially if you end up straying.

I don't see why the other person is unwilling to work on that?

I'm not sure either. We've talked about it sooo many times now. I was faithful for the first 5yrs of the relationship. When I just couldn't take it anymore, and I strayed for sex alone. Then bipolar brain took over and I planned a gettaway trip with the lover. More talks with the partner, guilt kicked in and I really wanted to believe things would change, so I bought a horse with my secret savings. Things aren't changing, they never will. I don't really love my lover either. Now I find myself mixed up with an old high school friend...and well, it doesn't feel wrong. Yet something, I don't really know what, makes me afraid to leave and start anew. I know this can be typical at first, but come on now, I've struggled for over four years with this. It makes me have idealized thoughts of suicide. It seems the only way but still somehow not what I want, so limbo.

As far as having my cake and eating it to, the only solution I see at this point is to stay where I'm at but f**k elsewhere.

i'm discombobulated, but want you to know i care. i'll try to respond better after court. xoxo

Dicombobulated. Good word choice. Me too!

That doesn't really seem like the best solution, that will just totally destroy the whole relationship. And suicide is just the demon creeping in, don't pay attention to that. It's not a solution....

I think you have something missing in your relationship. Witout that third leg it's more like you're just friends. Is your partner also depressed or on meds that might kill libido? There's a piece to the puzzle that got lost under the couch or something on their end, it seems. And talking it over together alone hasn't seemed to work. Have you gone together to a relationship T? Or perhaps something phsyical is going on like an underlying illness?

If you've hit all the bases and you're this unhappy, then it probably is better to move on so you can both find someone right for you. Because I know if my husband was that unhappy and constantly going out to find someone else, even for "just that," I would be crushed and that would end the relationship and destroy all the positive aspects that had ever been as well.

it's my opinion, that to some degree everyone wants their cake and eat it too. I'm not trying to speak for anyone other than myself, It's just what I think.

I think you have to be happy with yourself. Being happy with yourself while in a relationship that isn't working is very hard... but not impossible. So you have your girlfriend and that's just not working on many levels. The old lover situation didn't work out. Meeting this old school friend , Your already saying that isn't working..

Sooo.. Why not just focus on you right now?? Spend time with your horse, focus on finding happiness in your life , as in your own personal life and esteem. Be kind to your girlfriend, don't expect a physical realationship, just be kind, Be kind to anyone you have in your life... At first it may feel forced but trust me it does just become a habit. I am not saying allow anyone to just walk all over you. Just be kind whenever you can.

And first and for most be kind to yourself, cut yourself a break, relationships can come in and out of your life, But being kind to yourself will be one of the most valuable lessons to learn.

Allow some times to decide what you really want for your life. In the mean time go take a ride for me since I can't

You can do this, Be kind to yourself

Wish I could ride. I fell off on xmas day and crushed one of my fingers. I had to have reconstructive surgery using a bone graph....anyways I'm stuck at home waiting on short-term disability to kick in...life really hasn't been fun or fair lately.

Kind to others, I could definitely work on. Kind to myself I wouldn't know where to begin.

Oooh I forgot about your fall .. Yikes hope the surgery goes well..

Self loathing will just eat away at you. so here is what my T had me do a year or so ago, write down on paper all the things I blame myself for( relationships, weight,bad haircuts,etc etc etc ). I did... 3 pages worth He asked me to just pick one thing and forgive myself , yes really forgive myself. and just move on from there.. It wasn't easy but 99 % of them all I have let go of and forgiven myself. Bonus is my being kind to everyone has allowed me to become kinder to myself.

Hard to start but once it does it's amazing how quickly it picks up speed.