[tribalwolf]

Here I sit in a world where all should be stable, I live in a beautiful house in a nice neighborhood with a beautiful woman, with whom I love with all my heart. I have been on psych meds for months now, my psychiatrists says that I'm stable and yet my mind longs to be elsewhere.

For some time now I have been fighting the urge to just get up and leave where I am and go back to the life I used to live. I miss living on the edge, living homeless not knowing where I'm going, I miss the excitement of the streets, I miss in danger, the uncertainty and the freedom.

Am I mad? Insane? I don't know, but if I am I miss it.

The Wolf

it is what you know. it is what has made you ... well... you for most your life. it may not be great, but it's you. I understand completely... it's like...

this is it? this is the end game?
when I feel that way, i almost feel obligated to have an episode just so it won't be endgame,, you know?

Originally Posted by tribalwolf

my psychiatrists says that I'm stable and yet my mind longs to be elsewhere.

. I miss living on the edge, , I miss in danger, the uncertainty and the freedom.

Am I mad? Insane? I don't know, but if I am I miss it.

The Wolf

I tend to dilute things...

once damaged always looking for a new damage

...now managed?...

suddenly needing the mis-managed.

....

my take on this?

you are already broken...but got the opportunity as unlikely as it seems inexplicable even like?...why you?...or me?

we are so destructive how come I'm placated and vulnerable now I'm nasty dishevilled dangerously coping insane!

even for us sometimes everytime even for us the damn 'alarm' goes off!

I'm sure you aint alone...I'm like you and I don't even have any reason not to be

I agree. I know I am totally self destructive at times.

[tribalwolf]

Living here know like I am, I feel out of place, like I don't belong.
I am an animal after all aren't I? I belong on the streets or in a cage, don't I?
This is where I belong.

The Wolf

[tribalwolf]

I was thinking it would be really nice if my outside circumstances matched how my inside reality really was, then I realized, it has many times only it was in those times I was I was hospitalized. Don't get me wrong I appreciate having everything that I have, my home, my lady and the love that she gives me. I just feel like my old life is calling me back.

Originally Posted by tribalwolf

I was thinking it would be really nice if my outside circumstances matched how my inside reality really was, then I realized, it has many times only it was in those times I was I was hospitalized. Don't get me wrong I appreciate having everything that I have, my home, my lady and the love that she gives me. I just feel like my old life is calling me back.

hey the guilt will only keep you safe wolf!

I'm sure you rocked your world in that rebellious way that you had to when you did it so well...

it comes and goes...and thats the problem!

mania is unsustainable

comfort when you find it.....is permanent!

what I mean?

when you find someone to care about...

hey it's understandable to miss that mental ...it doesn't have to be madness anymore and it doesn't have to be something you need to hide from your beautiful partner...

free it up...together....

it's a bit more shamefull to be nuts with someone and hide it than to be alone and to just be nuts...

but hey?....I don't know

[Bipolar mom]

I don't think you are insane. I often wish I could go back to not keeping myself under such constraints. Staying in bed all day, drinking, being reckless, SI, doing and saying whatever I wanted because hey I'm crazy! I've been working, married with a child.. That's not me... My drs told my parents to be prepared to care for me always that I would never amount to anything. It's exhausting to try to fit in with society, when you are so obviously different... And have to pretend you are someone you are not just to get though the motions.

[roads]

James is right, tirbalwolf. Mania doesn't last forever, and the crash is a beast. I have a friend who was a fighter pilot in WWII, and he speaks much as you do. He says they did a study of the pilots and found out the had more testosterone than other pilots. Robert is also bipolar. pdoc says he's stable, but even tho he's 94 I worry every time he goes to the AF base he might try to take off in a fighter.
I don't think you're an animal needing caging. I think your body chemistry is out of whack & your pdoc is wrong about your being stable.
Live in the present, as much as you can. Let go of these past associations, and perhaps be tested for testosterone. Work with your T for centering in NOW.
I think you belong right here with us.
Roadie

[BlueInanna]

Maybe you're an animal needing a tribe? That's true for me at least.

I too miss the times living on the edge, in cars, in tents, in schoolbuses... the magical times following the Grateful Dead... uh oh i feel another song coming on!

Really I miss that free feeling, nothing to lose cuz I had nothing, no possessions just free falling... But life goes on and you find some peace in security and settling down. And that's really great that you got a lovely lady to share your life with.

So what I try to do when I get restless again, is just daydream about it, I love daydreaming... I think I have such a vivid imagination that I can have a lot of fun just in my head. Wouldn't make sense to really leave... Too many obligations to really just split...