[hamster-bamster]

This is going to be a bit long.

So while I was married to and even after I separated from ex, I alienated almost everyone from my prior life. So recently I took an inventory and connected to someone I managed not to alienate. He is a lone wolf in that regard, so to speak. I did not respond to him when he tried to look me up in 2008 (his attempts to connect with me infuriated my then H) but I managed not to alienate him, unlike a bunch of other folks.

He is a French guy who has been living in NYC since 2008. I met him almost 20 years ago when my son was a newborn... and had sex with him on the night that we met. He was always compeletely crazy about me. We did not meet that often, because he only visited America infrequently, but when he would visit he would always hook up with me with abandon. Then I disappeared from his life. By the way, he is much much older than I am and has two grandchildren in France. He is divorced twice and has a "friend".

In response to my call he arranged to give a lecture at Stanford, staying for the weekend, in the beginning of December, in order to spend time with me. He sends me letters in which he recalls our special time together - so special that he did not have it with anyone else, etc. etc. etc. So he is basically very excited. He says he cannot sleep anymore. This is obviously good.

He also wanted to help me find a permanent position, and asked for my resume. I sent my resume. He said: "Can I distribute it to people at company A and company B?" I said: "Company B, for sure. Company A, no point, long story, will tell you when we meet."

Now, in reality company A fired me when my disability leave expired and company B is where I successfully work now. No person in their right mind would leave company A, a household name, the way I did. My p-doc was ready to write me a release to work, but ex, who was at that time already living separately, told me to dictate to the p-doc the following: I could only work 100% from home, with contact with manager only, no contact with other people. I did not want to go along, but did go along. Company A was unable to accommodate, naturally, and let go of me. Luckily, they keep this information private and only release last day of work and exit salary, so I have a story that I tell during interviews about my having to go to Europe to be with my dying mother and quitting for that reason. Even that story is barely belieavable because company A is international and I could have worked out of Europe, but I say that the workload with the mother and then with dealing with her estate and the bureaucracy was full time and I could not work.

I do not know this French guy, Charles, well enough, to tell him the true story, with bipolar, a suicide attempt, dependent personality disorder and all that jazz. I am afraid to frighten him and put him off. I prefer things as they are when he thinks that I am beautiful, sophisticated, successful, and amazing. I do not want him to know that I was suicidal in the spring - he does not need to know. I will take my meds in the bathroom when I spend the weekend with him - he does not need to know that I take a bunch of meds. I already have a lover who brings me water when I take meds, which is cute, and knows that I am bipolar - I think this is enough, I do not need more. I am afraid of stigma.

How do I explain why I do not want my resume sent to company A without telling the true story? Most people want to work for company A.

Further, I dropped out of Stanford Law School because ex wanted me to stay home with my son, saying things that were absolutely frightening to me at that time, such as "your son has an NPD". Rational people who are successful at Stanford law school do not drop out. If Charles asks me why I did not complete law school, what do I say that would not portray me as seriously crazy?

Charles has a good r/s with all three of his children. I do not see any of my three children. This is crazy. How do I talk about it? So far I said that ex stayed home when I worked at company A and thus it was natural that the children would stay with him when we separated. Charles said: "So he was like a woman?" I said:"To some extent, without the cooking". But ok, this justifies the children's living with ex but not their not seeing me completely. I just do not see how to talk about all that without saying the words "mental illness", help.

[Moose72]

How much does Charles mean to you? He seems smitten with you. Can you meet for lunch and see what you feel after? Its possible he will be okay with your being bipolar. You never know. Its not who you are. Its just part of you. He travels all the time. Would he be okay with moving here if, if and if...?

[hamster-bamster]

+ he has a chair at a university in NYC and his discipline is completely rational

[Moose72]

Wow!

[hamster-bamster]

Originally Posted by Moose72

How much does Charles mean to you? He seems smitten with you. Can you meet for lunch and see what you feel after? Its possible he will be okay with your being bipolar. You never know. Its not who you are. Its just part of you. He travels all the time. Would he be okay with moving here if, if and if...?

He already invited me to New York for a weekend. I am afraid of the jet lag so I am not rushing with that. I will spend a whole weekend with him in December - I would not have an option of doing just lunch. He means a lot to me because through him I am trying to reconstruct life as I knew it before ex. He would not move here because he has a chair at a university in New York but I am sure he would organize travel for himself to see me frequently enough.

[hamster-bamster]

Maybe I should not be so much afraid of the jet lag. When is the next long weekend after the New Year?

[Moose72]

I guess you need to see if you are willing to move to new york. Little bit by little bit. Jet lag? I'd fly to New York! How many hours away are you? I'm at least in the same time zone.

[hamster-bamster]

3 hours. I hope to gain visitation rights and stay here to see my girls.

[hamster-bamster]

He is smitten and I was surprised by the degree of his reaction because he says now that he loved me and it was such a light hearted relationship that you would not think of the word "love". But, that is what he said.

[BlueInanna]

I may need to read it again when I get back from town, but Charles sounds like someone who would not judge you. His affection for you over the years sounds genuine, gentle, sensitive, and very different from D. He's got to know something is up, you disappear at times.

I tell people (if they ask) I did not complete college because I got married and started a family, but that I want to go back.

If I had a new lover I would want to be able to be honest and close. Not much point to it otherwise for me, where I am right now.

You are a smart, beautiful, dynamic lady. Just let him adore you as you are. You are worth it. So what if you've had bumps in the road, that is life and makes yours a more interesting one than most. These trials and tribulations make us who we are now (my therapist says).

[hamster-bamster]

Blue, I like what you say and what your T says about our trials and tribulations.

[bunnifoo]

So I don't have kids and I've never really dated after I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder (I am in a relationship, but we met on line and he knew all about it before we met in person).

So I may not have good advice but here it is: If he asks about your kids can you just say they are great and talk in general terms about them (this one is in such grade and likes x,y,z). And if he asks why they don't live with you would you feel comfortable saying : It's a complicated, sensitive topic that's hard for me to discuss at this time. I hope you understand."

And if he does really care for you he should respect that boundary.

[~Christina]

I think Blue nailed this one... Great solid wonderful advice she gives !

[hamster-bamster]

I thought more about what Blue said... and realized that he wrote to me "I always that we are what we overcome and from what I gathered you overcame plenty" (his English has never been stellar). But this is basically an invitation! I can say "yes, you are right, and even more than you think..." and introduce bipolar. He is basically inviting me to do that!

[Victoria'smom]

How I read your post: Both your company "A" loss and dropping out of law school where both because of child care issues and a controlling ex. I really don't think he'll blame you for that. I honestly don't feel these were BP issues. As for the kids, tell him everything hasn't been sorted out with the divorce but the kids are more comfortable with your ex for now.

Company A is a symbol of what I don't want in life. Ugh... I want to help build something, make it big and make it part of myself. I don't want to step into something so big and already established, I want to help create something big. I need that sense of achievement in my life right now. I don't want to merely maintain something, I want to create something. You see, I need that room for growth right now, and I know that you may not understand it right now, but it's like us. We are creating something here, the two of us, and it's awesome. I want that in my career too... So I'm sorry if you don't understand this, but I am not applying at company A and you just need to try and understand me and understand why.

Oh, you do understand me you say? That is so awesome of you. Hey, want to go create something in the room right now? You do? that is great!

Lol... that last part is a little immature, but I hope that the first part helps you!

[Sheba976]

Why are you even involved with this man? He is using you as a toy when he is in the States and looking for attention. He has a "friend" bac home? How many other women is he having intimate affairs with? I'm very surprised from the posts from the others. Of course he will be understanding about your past, more reason to weasel his way into your life. I'm sorry to be so blunt, but I just had to say it.

[Insignificant other]

Good luck .. this Canadian is wishing you the best .. you sure deserve it. Does he make YOU happy?

[hamster-bamster]

Originally Posted by Sheba976

Why are you even involved with this man? He is using you as a toy when he is in the States and looking for attention. He has a "friend" bac home? How many other women is he having intimate affairs with? I'm very surprised from the posts from the others. Of course he will be understanding about your past, more reason to weasel his way into your life. I'm sorry to be so blunt, but I just had to say it.

He is permanently in the States - he has a chair at a university in NYC. I am not concerned about his other intimate affairs - it is his private life after all.

[hamster-bamster]

Originally Posted by Insignificant other

Good luck .. this Canadian is wishing you the best .. you sure deserve it. Does he make YOU happy?

Thank you for good wishes from a Canadian... it is almost like a cross between the French and the American - if you are a French Canadian, that is.

I have lived through hell and I do deserve a break, I agree. I do deserve a bit of pampering, too.

[Confusedinomicon]

I have a friend who has successfully been polyamerous. She has like 5-6 relationships and they all know about one another. Her dates have other people they date. I think its possible to do this if all parties are okay with it and none are too jealous.

[hamster-bamster]

Thank you, Confused. I just wanted to note that my OP was very clear in plain English: I said that I already have a lover who brings me water when I take my psych meds, which indicated that I was not looking for an exclusive r/s. I can pull off an exclusive r/s - I did for 12 years, which is a lot, right? - but I am not looking for that now. So having been so clear, I was surprised to receive that kind of response that pointed out that Charles might have other intimate connections. I think that other posters simply picked up, correctly, on my cues that were 100% clear, so thanks.

[venusss]

How do I explain why I do not want my resume sent to company A without telling the true story? Most people want to work for company A.

but maybe the people and work environment there suck and it didn't click with you and you want something different? No need to explain in detail, eh.

[bluemountains]

Let me make sure I've missed nothing, HB. You are in CA and planning on staying there, and Charles is in NY, planning on staying in his location. I don't really see the need to go into a lot of explanation about certain details in your lives. Leaving Stanford was in the past, and you don't have to make excuses for the past. You obviously care for Charles, and the way you describe him is as an intelligent, caring individual. He has liked you, Hamster for Hamster over all of these years, so I can't imagine that he would be upset about the bipolar-after all, you are controlling it very well!
I am curious as to how he has so many ties with companies in the Silicon Valley. He must be a very influential person!
Enjoy the time that you and Charles can carve out to spend together!
Bluemountains

[hamster-bamster]

Originally Posted by VenusHalley

but maybe the people and work environment there suck and it didn't click with you and you want something different? No need to explain in detail, eh.

that would not work - the work environment is perfect; people do leave but for start-ups

that said... I guess I can say that I want something different, without saying that it was bad, just different