I know that I have issues
and I know that I make a mess of things
I try really hard not to show it
but it always comes out in the end

I'm not throwing a temper tantrum
nor am I on a self pity trip

I just give up.

I just can't let things go. It's more of a curse than anything else.
must be tiring for those around me.
so it's best just to ignore me.

I don't want to hold onto things. I really don't.
I know that my thought patterns are broken
and they just spin around in my head
looking for a resolution

But i am stuck now.

[BlueInanna]

Hey Dan I believe in you, did you know that? You're gonna wrap your head around it, like you always do, and come out on top.

I've never said this before Blue...

but if I had the courage,
I would do the world a favor...

i got to see who I was today
and I dont want to be that person anymore.

[shlump]

Dan, I don't think you have to be that person...

[faerie_moon_x]

Did you learn how to walk in one day? Two days? No, it took you the whole first year of your life at least. How about how to talk? Did you learn that in one day? Never making mistakes and always saying exactly the right word? No. that took at least 2 years.

How about how to read? Did you pick up a book and know after the first try all the words?

Nope.

Did you always get perfect marks on your math tests and assignments? Or you essay for English class? I'm guessing not.

So.... why you want to be perfect and get everything right when learning how to cope with bipolar? Why you think there is no room for errors? Did you become a cyborg when no one was looking? And we can just put in a new program? I don't think so....

It's a long road, and it's full of pot holes and detours.

when I don't get things right, they end up like they did today.

there is something wrong with me today. I keep saying that I am not okay and nothing is helping. I don't know what to do.

I feel alone in this.

[faerie_moon_x]

Okay, but instead of giving up you can learn from it. We have that ability and you may not do it right or perfect but you'll get better at it.

You only fail if you give up completely.

then I fail.

it's going to be ok Dan mate...

it already is ...underneath the pain.

you're a terrific man!

it's all different now. did you catch what happened this morning? It really affected me and now everything is different.

[BlueInanna]

Originally Posted by landskaperdan

I've never said this before Blue...

but if I had the courage,
I would do the world a favor...

i got to see who I was today
and I dont want to be that person anymore.

That's not who I see when I "see" you, or think of you. So you lost your cool? You got triggered? It's ok, really! None of us is perfect. Did you get a message from a moderator? I've received them before... Hey we have bipolar among whatever else we have going on. Can you let yourself off the hook a little bit? You don't deserve this asskicking you're giving yourself! What would you tell me if it were me in your place? You'd be kind, I know it!!!

I've already expressed that I feel the responses should have been more supportive of your original intention. That's just my opinion... right or wrong, maybe there is no right or wrong. But people have their different ways of doing things, I'm going to try to be more accepting of that. And I also need to figure out how to not let people get to me. I guess I just want to keep this a safe place too. There's a saying, "No one can hurt me without my permission" ... I'm trying to figure out how that could be, cuz it doesn't make sense to me, but it is a popular saying. Maybe it means if we're resilient, and bending, stuff won't be able to hurt us so much, I dunno?

Right now we gonna help you. You're not perfect, but I still think you're my good friend! Sensitivity ain't often pretty, but step outside of us and see these beautiful spirits we are. I really mean it Dan. We are all black and white and gray, good and bad and in between, but you've got a huge heart in there. I truly believe in you! Let yourself off the hook please? I'll even beg.

[Confusedinomicon]

I have to agree with Blue on this.

i don't know what to say anymore.

It's not okay. It's not okay that your spilling your heart out just because of the way I am acting blue. it's not okay what happened this morning, that goes far deeper than being defensive. it's not okay that i am on here saying I give up. nothing is okay.

Today is like a turning point, I don't think it's going to be okay. I should have logged out much earlier cuz all i'm doing now is creating drama and taking advantage of your kindness. I don't mean to be doing that. but right now, there's no right thing to do. So i stayed on here cuz it's supposed to be my safe place. i don't know where else to go today. I already blew off everything I was supposed ot do. not fair to my wife who is going to come home to find I have done nothing. it's not okay. not today. not tomorrow. Something is wrong with me.

I honestly think something happened this morning, like physically with my brain. I think maybe a blood vessel burst or something.

[BlueInanna]

No ... it's not ok, everything sucks right now, totally sucks...
But it's going to be ok, I know you well enough to know it will get better.
You saw me in my rage last Friday after the ***** school principal gave me an hour long talking to... and you were there for me when I thought everyone hated me and was out to get me... and you helped me see it a different way, helped me calm down. I wish I could help you, what can I do to help? That's why I ask what would you say to me ... or to James, what if it was James what would you tell him?

Idk...

I really don't know. I would prolly tell him that when they go fleeting by, run the other way. they will think he is playing and follow him. I would tell him that is the way to catch them.

but bad advice can really hurt someone on here. Just like my advice was dangerous about the self defense, bad advice about mental health can be just as damaging. so I don't know what I would say anymore.

I'm not going to drag you down with me. I'm gonna go now... I hope your day is good. You too James. have a great day. I'll see you around, okay?

[BlueInanna]

Ok, but you're not dragging me down. I can't focus on work anyway. I'm stuck in my office planning how to sneak a smoke... two of my office people do smoke... but I don't want them to know I started again... silly dumb me.

[faerie_moon_x]

I don't know.... I think this board is full of people with bipolar and people with bipolar sometimes get a bit emtional with each other.....

I know I've done it....

I think if we all are learning to know that sometimes we all have these moments but we're learning to deal/cope/control/whatever with these moments, and be forgiving of each other and getting washed away by our own tides... well, that's part of the process of healing.

[~Christina]

Dan, we have all overacted and had many a meltdowns on here.. It's what we do. Doesn't make us horrible people, not one bit. To this day I have to stay off certain threads.. why? because they trigger me or they just overwhelm me <~~ that took me a while to learn.

Point is, Don't beat yourself up, Don't put yourself down, and certainly don't leave. This is a great place to be, not everyone will get along or have the same opinions about things, thats what makes everyone unique. Use the ignore tools if you need to , they are there for a reason. Way back when I first started coming here I was freaking out often, a very wise person told me how to ignore people, and she is still her and thanks to her I stayed , I learned and I have grown in ways to feel better.

So stay,You and your opinion is valued and wanted here