[Jaxen]

Can someone with knowledge of mental disorders help me? (sorry if it's too long)

I'm not sure exactly what's wrong with me (maybe bipolar). I know most people would say I should get help and talk to a professional face to face, but that's the problem... I can't. It's not that I don't want help, I just can't talk to someone about it and it makes me uncomfortable to the point that I would rather die. I'm going to try and describe some things to see if anyone can help me understand what I have.

As a child (maybe 6-10) I was mean (I would hurt dogs and cats for example), and I don't know why... I think I wanted to kill them and it felt kind of like I was in an indescribable rage for no reason. At this stage of my life I feel terrible about it & would never hurt anything. However, I still have the crazy rage feeling where I want to hurt something but I refuse to act upon those impulses. While I was still very young, some people in my family died and when I was informed, I felt nothing even though I loved them more than the world.

In my early teen years I began to get extremely nervous and anxious (way more than a normal teen) and my heart felt like it was going to explode sometimes. I skipped school when I knew there was going to be any form of speaking or presentations because it bothered me that much. I had (and still have) trouble sleeping. Usually don't fall asleep until I can't physically stay awake any longer (sometimes 2 days). I hardly had any friends, and I currently have no friends or family because I push them out of my life by default.

Despite all this, I'm actually one of the most loving and caring people when my mind is calm. I know love and caring contradict hate and anger, but that's honestly how I am. Some days I can be happy and motivated but suddenly something will snap for no reason and I'll be either angry or sad and depressed. Every day is different and it seems like my emotions are heavy and randomly change. Starting in high school, I constantly thought about suicide because I can't figure out why I'm like this and why I can't completely control it no matter how strong my will is.

Any ideas what I could have?

Welcome, Jaxen,.

We can't diagnose here because we aren't doctors, but I can tell you that it sounds very much like some of the symptoms of bipolar illness. However, it could be any number of other things.

My suggestion is that you go in to see a psychiatrist; take the article you have posted here with you and just hand it to him. You will be very surprised at how
completely reassuring they can be and how easily you will be able to converse with him about your document here.

I don't have any question about believing that you might benefit from talking to a psychiatrist. There are things that will help you to learn how to talk about your problem with a specialist, and you might find it to be the best thing you ever did for yourself in your whole life. Please do this for yourself; you will benefit from it greatly.

Good wishes.

[Clinte89]

I agree even though its difficult you might want to at least try to talk to a pdoc. We can't really help you even if we could dx you it would do no good. I would write everything down and hand it to the doc sit back and find out what's going on.

[manicminer]

This is def. something to seek professional help about. From what you have posted about your inability to talk about it, I would suggest looking into hypnotic therapy. That way you can disclose this information to a mental health professional, and don't have to go through the anguish of personally doing it.

Best wishes and good luck

[Anneinside]

I disagree about you having bipolar from what you have said, anxiety and hurting animals are not part of bipolar. Google DSM bipolar symptoms to get the list of criteria for diagnosing someone as having bipolar. You are not the only one who has posted saying they want to be diagnosed but don't want to see a psychiatrist. The fallacy with this is that it doesn't matter what diagnosis you have if you don't get treatment. Why know if you aren't going to change anything. Do you want it to stop? See a psychiatrist.

[BlueInanna]

Well you're making a start by looking for help. Good for you on that, it may not have been easy for you to reach out like you just have.

I know it's going to be scary for you, but a therapist or psychiatrist could actually really help you figure this stuff out. Most of us go to one. You deserve some relief, and there is help out there.

Welcome to pc, feel free to practice by talking to us. We're real people and here to get help and help each other. Take care.

[manicminer]

I had some of the same issues growing up. Probably why my parents never let us have pets.

I killed or terrorized a lot of small animals for fun.

With rages, I recall being at the zoo, too young to talk fluently, and being furious with the foreigners because I could not understand what they were saying...

[hamster-bamster]

Torturing animals is a symptom of some personality disorders.

Can you print out your post and distribute it to several psychologists or psychiatrists or both and solicit their reponses? Someone would want to see you, I imagine.

[Jaxen]

Thank you all for your input. I realize that I should see a psychiatrist, and I've known it for some time. I have an unreasonable thought process when it comes to dealing with my own problems. I've always wanted to shoulder everything myself and find solutions on my own because I view someone that asks for help as a weakness, even though that's not true.

I don't like the path my life has been on, but taking that first step towards the right path is like climbing a mountain. I often overthink instead of just doing something, so I'm not sure how to prepare myself for a psychiatrist. I have a lot of trouble opening myself up to a vulnerable state (I avoid it at all costs). How did you guys deal with having to do this? Was it difficult for you?

[BipolaRNurse]

Originally Posted by Jaxen

Thank you all for your input. I realize that I should see a psychiatrist, and I've known it for some time. I have an unreasonable thought process when it comes to dealing with my own problems. I've always wanted to shoulder everything myself and find solutions on my own because I view someone that asks for help as a weakness, even though that's not true.

I don't like the path my life has been on, but taking that first step towards the right path is like climbing a mountain. I often overthink instead of just doing something, so I'm not sure how to prepare myself for a psychiatrist. I have a lot of trouble opening myself up to a vulnerable state (I avoid it at all costs). How did you guys deal with having to do this? Was it difficult for you?

The very first time I saw my pdoc was hard for me too, because I have a lot of the same issues you do with that vulnerability thing, not to mention asking for help. In fact, I hadn't asked for it; I only went because my primary care doctor basically ordered me to go. And I was petrified---I used to be a very private person and couldn't imagine exposing my dark side to the eyes of a stranger.

Luckily, my pdoc was a stranger for all of about 30 seconds. He put me at ease immediately and I knew I was in good hands. It was still hard to talk about my bad thoughts and the awful things I've said and done to family and friends over the years; but a good pdoc doesn't judge and won't think you're a terrible person if you 'fess up to being evil once in awhile.

So, choosing the right doctor or psych nurse practitioner is key to building a successful treatment plan that you'll stick with. You HAVE to be able to trust this person implicitly; after all, it really is your life in their hands.

Best of luck to you.

[hamster-bamster]

Originally Posted by Jaxen

Thank you all for your input. I realize that I should see a psychiatrist, and I've known it for some time. I have an unreasonable thought process when it comes to dealing with my own problems. I've always wanted to shoulder everything myself and find solutions on my own because I view someone that asks for help as a weakness, even though that's not true.

I don't like the path my life has been on, but taking that first step towards the right path is like climbing a mountain. I often overthink instead of just doing something, so I'm not sure how to prepare myself for a psychiatrist. I have a lot of trouble opening myself up to a vulnerable state (I avoid it at all costs). How did you guys deal with having to do this? Was it difficult for you?

Is there any area where you ask for help instead of shouldering everything yourself? Do you cut your own hair?

[Jaxen]

Originally Posted by hamster-bamster

Is there any area where you ask for help instead of shouldering everything yourself? Do you cut your own hair?

Almost everything I can do on my own, I do. Yes I cut my own hair too. Although I have gone to doctors when I've been physically sick but I usually do things like that as a last resort. Even posting here is hard but specifically my anxiety is getting worse and my other options were not appealing.

[Victoria'smom]

Please look at this as "the last resort" the sooner you get help with anxiety the better. You can write everything they need to know down and give it to them.

[Anneinside]

I first met my pdoc in the hospital. I had overdosed and was hospitalized. I signed myself out but was required to stay 12 hours after that. I am sure it is to give the pdoc time to get in to see you. She came in and asked me to stay voluntarily. I said No.. and this makes no sense... that I had to get back to work. (I can suicide but can't miss work...makes no sense). She said that if I left she would call the police and they would be waiting at my house to take me to court for an involuntary commitment. Then when I am better I would have to wait until she had time to go back to court to release me. She asked again, will you stay? I said, "Yes". I liked her style. She was direct and straight with me. When I got out of the hospital I set up my intake appointment with her.

You don't have to come in knowing everything you are going to say. Pdocs are good at interviewing. He or she will ask open-ended questions and guide you through your story. It can be helpful, however, to write up what you are experiencing and anything you want to make sure you tell her/him and take it with you. Since you are particularly shy about talking to people, giving the pdoc the list could help with moving the conversation on.

[BlackPup]

I agree with the others that have suggested writing things down if that's easier for you. it also helps so that you don't forget anything during the appointment. In your first appointment there are usually lots of questions and it can be a bit difficult cos they can ask hard questions. Make sure that they are aware of how anxious the situation makes you cos they may want to treat that before they dig to deep into things that might be upsetting to you.

Another option may be to get your family doctor to prescribe something for the anxiety when you go to get the referral for the psychiatrist (pdoc) if you feel that the anxiety of actually going to see the pdoc would be overwhelming. Normally they would probably prefer for you to wait to see the pdoc to get meds though.

I also think that it doesn't sound like BP but I'm not a doctor so don't take my word for it! Good luck finding a diagnosis and more importantly getting some relief from your suffering.

[bunnifoo]

I'd call your insurance company or go on their website and find a list of pdocs and therapists that take your insurance. (This is if you live in the US). Then you have a list to start from. Maybe do some online searches to see if you can find anything out.

I've really liked having a therapist and shrink under the same practice, that way it's only one staff I'm dealing with and they can talk to each other if necessary.

When you get ready to call to ask if the doctor is accepting new patients/make an appointment you might want to roll play it a little bit. Even if you just do this yourself - imagine you are making the phone call and practice what you are going to say. I do this a lot and it really helps.

Definitly make a list of your symptoms and what you want out of therapy/meds (even if you aren't sure of specifics) and if necessary just hand it to the doctor.

If you can stand to you can even say to the staff and doctor, "I'm really nervous/scared, it's hard for me to ask for help".

The other thing I'd say is they'll probably want a medical history and maybe any info about family members who might have had mental illnesses so be prepared for that.

[roads]

Jaxen, you've already taken the first step. You've done the hard part! You wrote it all out, now you don't have to say anything.

Print out your post, find a therapist, hand it to him/her. Go from there. You're here because you really want to do something about all this, that's pretty obvious to me. You see how many of us have already jumped on board with you--we're ready to support you.

I'm bipolar II, can't relate to harming animals but have anger/rage issues before I was diagnosed and found the right treatment for me.

Welcome to PsychCentral. Post a lot, connect with the huge bipolar community.

roadie