Hello, Im 40 year old known bipolar since I was 30. Meds help, but still practice highly addictive behavior, with gambling, sex, weed, or starting projects that ruin me.

Currently have failed at business three times while wrecking my teaching career that I always fell back on to support myself.

I have many medical problems one including something wrong with my stomach that makes me throw up my meds about 50 percent of the time. I have bad knee, back and arm from accidents n cant do physical work.

I have no money, but my family gives me enough to stay away from them as Im very tempermental and I destroy their lives when forced to stay with them.

Im now overseas with my rent paid for a few months and have money to eat, but Im severely depressed and haven't left my apartment for a week besides to go to 711 for food.

My family will pay for me to fly home and then live with them, but then I get more depressed and there are no jobs for me as my work record is a total mess now. I have masters degree, but cant apply to anything.

On the up side, Ive seen the world, but I have nothing, but like 5 shirts, a couple pairs of shorts, two pairs of shoes, and nothing to show for my life...

My usual routine is to stabilize for a few years and then explode, but cant see this happening this time....

the whole not taking meds cause I throw up is not helping, guess I should find a solution to that first...

Sorry to hear things are hard at the moment

Have you ever thought of going to a health retreat? Sounds like you need some time out to access what to do next.

hello, I don't know if I could come up with funding for something like that...I don't even know what a health retreat is anyway ...

Got anywhere nice you could stay for a weekend? Just have some time out from your life?

Tried to reply to this 3 times but the internet kept eating my reply so I'll keep it short.

Will you be seeing doctors to sort out your medical issues? That will probably be a good first step. Sooner the better so you can stablise again and decide what to do from then.

I have an apartment I stay in that is quiet, but Im crawling up the walls.

Im in a beautiful foreign country that most would dream of and just to tired to go anywhere and explore.

When depressed, I have no energy and walking a block seems like a marathon, but when not depressed I can explore forever.

Im the type when there is hope for some type of future, I will get out of depression, but when Im stuck in the thought that there is nothing for me in the future, I go into a huge hole.

Ive gone for 7 years now in a crazy cycle, of living all over world and going in and out of these types of problems....

Im a creative type and find projects that I can sell to people and then when the bottom falls out Im in this type of situation...

[PrairieCat]

Yes, get that stomach problem fixed first! Then you can take meds and stabilize your life. Good luck!

Thanks Prairie...

Today is much better day. After a week of depression I decided I need to take some steps to feeling better.

I made a list:

1. Take a shower
2. Shave
3. Eat something healthy
4. Do laundry
5. Pick up my room
6. Take a nap
7. Work on my project (I have a second book and a blog I need to work on)

I did 1 - 5 and I feel so much better and now I will hit 7 for a few hours and take the glorious nap that is 6 ....

[tomsmith101]

Just want to show my support. I read your story and found it pretty interesting. Hell of cool you are working to improve man, and here I am wishing you all the best.

Hi Tom I appreciate the kind words.

I was able to string together two positive days and it seems when I make a very structured list of basic tasks with one or two challenges I stay on task.

Im also very needy and when I don't hear from my friends I get hurt easily and I stopped talking to good friends a few months ago as they are bad replying messages. I decided to email and say a friendly hello and they both got back very excited, that made me feel better as I thought they threw me away, but they are just bad communicators so I need to lighten up and not get hurt when people don't respond to me when I reach out to them....

Its been five days since my depression has lifted and Im doing great. Im trying not to get to excited and go maniac, this is a huge challenge.

My project took giant leaps forward and I treat this time of mass productivity and non-issues as gold and savor every minute as I know its a matter of time before it flips.

Today I visit Cambodia to close a few business deals Ive been working on for two years.

Exciting times and amazing the systems and creative us beepers can make....just got to be careful when things come crashing down and push through it all. One of the biggest Ive learned is to not make promises as so much can be accomplished when moving straight, but when in depression the simple tasks are so hard and your name can be destroyed due to the things u cant follow through on...