[BlueInanna]

Trigger warning,
Suicidal thoughts mentioned, but I pulled myself out of it.

But possibly an amusing anectdote if you get my warped humor.

....

I went insane yesterday. Working long hours, missing my kids, broke up with bf, pet chicken died, i keep getting cold/flu stomach ache head ache, sister in her own bp mess not speaking to me, not even time to go grocery shopping, figure out which credit card still has space on it.

The kids were complaining we have no food, my older bp son loses his cool fairly quickly, (I know he doesn't mean it when he says these things and he is improving), he was calling me names and hassling me. We do have food, it's just maybe kind gross food like ramen and baked beans, I'm sick of that type food also, and we're out of milk.

But it got too much for me and I began spewing negativity about the long hours I'm working and feeling unsupported and they could help clean while I'm at work and help feed the animals, maybe we shouldn't have all these animals if we can't care for them, maybe we shouldn't have big house and land I'd they can't help me care for it, I have no help, no child support. (I try not to say negative about their fathers but its obvious I get no child support).

I was really acting insane, crying ranting. My youngest son called me psycho. I told him it would be much nicer if he could say, mom I'm concerned you may be experiencing some psychosis right now. So then we discussed exactly what that meant and he said truly concerned and sincerely, oh ok, mom I think you're maybe having psychosis right now. I said, I think you're right. I was also having delusions that some people I owe A Lot of money to are going to come murder me and my kids in the night.

I had been laying in bed feeling sick all day, got up, put on a pretty red dress, black over the knee socks, back low furry boots. Pulled my wavy blond ish locks to a low side ponytail. Left the house in tears, fantasized about delusional sui thoughts, how I would look when whoever found me. Wondered if I should put on makeup for the event, delusional. Decided against driving off a cliff because I need to leave the car for my children to use or sell, don't need it damaged, additionally I would t look so peaceful and pale in my pretty dress if I'm mangled in a car wreck. I was aware I was delusional it was strange and surreal. My crying turned into prayers, I remembered the book/documentary The Secret, how I will manifest my reality through my thoughts. I sent love to the sun, to the trees, to my family... Then I went to a drive thru and got burgers for the boys and returned home. I apologized for worrying them. Apologized I could not go into the store to get groceries, that this was best I could do and that I love them.

I then realized the "pretty" dress I had on, well I forgot to take my nightgown off, so it looked insane, with the nightgown sticking out from under it. And that made me laugh a little. Probably good thing I only went to the drive thru... Yep.

I'm much better today, late for work but what's new. I'm about to get dressed and just go take this day by the horns. I can do this.

[Trippin2.0]

oh sweety ((((((((((Blue))))))))))

I'm so sorry you had to go through that
I'm not much help atm (family issues) but willing to listen if you wanna chat

[faerie_moon_x]

Don't worry, Blue, been there myself. I like when I forget to brush my hair and it's this big static mess sticking out in multiple directions, and I catch a glimpse of myself in the reflection of a window.

With my blunted affect, I'm sure they push the "crazy lady" alert button when they see me coming.

I have many, many, many days that I do not get to the store when I really need to. Sure, we have food, but it's not the food we want. I have big issues with the store. Its part of that land of blocking in my struggle with self-care.

[Victoria'smom]

Aww... blue I hope today is better for you.

[Confusedinomicon]

You really are a super mom for dealing with all this. I hope with time that things iron out for you, blue. Hang in there.

[Cocosurviving]

I'll keep you in my prayers. I hope your struggles and challenges get better.

[purpledaisy]

Sending you happy thoughts, Blue.

You did make me laugh, though. I have been known to leave the house with clothes inside-out or backwards. Or I've answered the door having forgotten about the glob of toothpaste sitting in the middle of my forehead to dry out a zit.

So your nightgown peeking out gave me a chuckle.

[~Christina]

Hugs and love

[dubblemonkey]

I hope you are ok C...

[BlueInanna]

Thank you my friends, your kindness means the world to me. Another 12hr plus work day... I'm not giving up yet. Made it to grocery store, kids are fed. Mom not getting home from work until 11pm is hard for the kids. Off to sleep now finally, hope I will be able to get my son to school tomorrow, he's missed a lot of days recently, they do not like that. No accommodations for a kid with single bp mom working her arse off. I will figure this all out. Playing with the idea of healing through through psychosis, my inner Athena will find us a way through.

[Secretum]

((Blue)) That all sounds really scary. Please take care of yourself. You're such a sweet person; you don't deserve to die.