New, and out of control

I don't know if i'm manic or if I just have a hormonal imbalance or what, but once in a while I think of the easiest and least painful way to kill myself. I can't sleep, I certainly can't eat, I don't feel right inside of my body, I feel like I have no control over what I'm doing or what I'm thinking. My communication skills are non-existent at this point. I could hardly make sense of what I'm saying and it's embarrassing to try and talk to people.
Since the beginning of last November I started to feel more depressed than usual. I've dealt with depression since I was 12 (I'm 26 now), and I never really experienced seasonal depression, but for four months now I've been feeling very mentally and physically exhausted.
I'm a very distrustful and paranoid person, and it's always been very hard for me to open up to people. I have one close friend and the rest are close acquaintances that I force myself to meet up with once in a while so I appear "normal."
Anyway, I wanted to make this brief because who really wants to read about my entire biography.
All I really want out of this is to know that I'm not the only one suffering. I just don't want to feel alone in this hell I'm traveling back and forth from all the time. My close friend also suffers from this illness, and I care for him, but I think I'd like to hear about how others deal with this sort of thing.

Do u have a pdoc (psychiatrist) or a therapist? That is where I would start. To me u sound like u could be in a mixed state. Google it. However, I am not a doc so I or really anybody on this forum can't diagnose you. Jmo, of course.

I'm sorry u are feeling this way. Look at my signature for ways that help me cope. Also try googling dbt skills. The distress tolerance ones usually help at least somewhat when I feel as u describe.

You aren't alone, I know sometimes we feel that way but u can always post on here.
I hope u feel better soon.

I think you really need to talk to a T or Pdoc because your having impulsive dark thoughts.

You need a doctor and a therapist to work towards establishing a sleeping routine and a food intake schedule, and only after those basics are put in place you can advance to higher order functions such as communication with other people.

yes regular sleep is most important and so is good food.... currently i am facing huge amount of stress.... i don't want to eat... but i am forcing myself to go out and eat food for last two days... still i ate less yesterday night... you should force yourself to sleep for good 8-9 hours... sometimes (alright many times) i wake up after 5 hours of sleep... but then again i try to go to sleep... i have to wait for 2 more hours but i can sleep 4 more hours then... also you need meds and good pdoc and T