Sinking into darkness...

Okay, so... I am usually good with my medication and I've been taking it, but there are sometimes when meds can't really help me. I still get bouts of depression and I'm entering a phase right now.

Today has been horrible, and I've felt the feeling coming on for awhile now, but today... Today really just brought it on. I'm feeling no self worth at all. I'm not suicidal or anything, but... I have found myself thinking about how better off others would be if I wasn't here. Really, I am NOT suicidal. I could never, ever kill myself. I'm scared of death. I really am. I wouldn't ever do anything like that, but that doesn't mean odd thoughts like that don't creep into my mind sometimes.

I'm really feeling like I'm falling apart. I think part of it is that I just have no energy due to my anemia. I can't... I don't have the energy to fight off my emotions anymore, so they've really attacked me. I've been crying on and off all day today, just because I've been feeling so crappy.

I just... Feel like I want to give up and just.... Not do anything anymore. I'm done trying, because anytime I try, it doesn't work out anyways.

However, I think a big part of this is that I'm working and going to school at the same time. It's really stressing me out. I'm losing it faster than before...

I can't handle it. It's too hard for me. I don't know what to do... I have so much I have to pay for, though. I have to buy a new laptop for school and I have to actually pay tuition for school...

I'm actually going to be working 5 days straight next week, which is a lot for me. I'm freaking out. That's a lot of stress for me...

And now, of course, with the other thread I posted about my boss and what she did...

I just... I don't want to try anymore. I just want to stop...

I don't know what to do. I'm really hitting a rut here and fast... I need to do something before I sink even deeper...

I wish I could steer you away from this potential bad patch of time, but what you have explained has put a lot of stress on you. I am not even sure if you are getting enough sleep.
I hope you can decide what you can do to minimize your stress without quitting or quitting work.
Ok, I read your other post. I get annoyed when employees are treated this way. I'll stop there before I go on a rant.
I hope you can find work somewhere else, but the amount of sick time taken off by an employee is one the first interview questions from management at some places.

Thank you. I hope so too D:
And yes, it is really annoying and I am really not happy about this. I feel like I'm being treated unfairly. And I don't remember if I said this on my other thread, but this is what she told me upon my hiring: "As long as you have your shift covered, it's okay. However, I will start to notice who works and who doesn't, and I will give hours to those who work the most."

So, I did what she said. I always (except two times) got someone to cover for me. She doesn't call out the others who do this all the time. So I don't know why it's happening to me. Dx

Anyways, mini-rant aside, thank you for your kind words. (:

I'm sorry this is happening. Stress is a major issue for me with my bipolar. When I was in school I wasn't able to work and do a good job with school.

I think it's very important that you find ways to relax and decompress. You need to take care of yourself. Our world tends to run us over with all the high demand for money and success and independance. Finding time to just be you outside of that is extremely important. You need to take care of you.

I hope you start feeling better soon.

How are you feeling today?

Dark: Thank you so much! IT is really hard. I have always struggled with managing my stress...

Christina: I... Was feeling horrible yesterday, but felt better later on. I was crying all morning, but today I was feeling a lot better. Until my mom took me out to dinner to discuss me acting more like an adult and what she expects of me. So.... It kind of made my feelings of being hopeless and like a failure sink in more. However, she ended up taking me to get my ear pierced like I wanted (since I wanted someone to go with me) so I feel better now. It's really weird, that something that small can actually make you really, really happy.

However, I'm starting to get a little surprised with myself. I've recently adapted an "I don't really care" attitude. Not in... A negative way, but in a more positive way. I'm stepping outside of my box more and trying new things.

Like last night. I had long hair and I randomly decided out of nowhere, that I was tired of dealing with the knots, so today, I went out and cut it at a salon (and found out that it was long enough to donate, so I'm feeling really glad about that), without telling my parents. I am really happy with the decision, it is really pretty. I look my age finally, if not older.

But I'm thinking this new attitude might be good for me. I usually over think things waaaaaaaay too much and now I'm starting to relax a little. I don't know why... I'm just... Not worrying as much, I almost feel numb... So maybe that's not a good thing. I'm not sure... But I'm not depressed anymore. I'm feeling better.

Thanks for your concern!

Glad your feeling better

What a gift to someone that was in need of that donated hair

Thanks, me too! I think a combination of getting the piercing I really wanted tonight and also being able to donate my hair (I used to donate blood and I felt really good about that, but now my iron is so low it's dangerous for me to do that....) I feel really happy now. (: But I work tomorrow... So I'm a little concerned... Especially because I said I couldn't come in early, when I could... I just... With how stressed and upset I've been, I just wanted to take some time to relax and try to get back on track. I feel badly...