Anyone else do this? *Trigger Warning*

This post my be a huge trigger for someone if you're sensitive to sui talk right now and I apologize in advance.

All of my symptoms more or less started when I was about 16. It was a bad year, by anyone's standards. My best friend moved away, another close friend killed herself and... well... I don't like saying the word... but I was a virgin one day and wasn't the next and it was not by choice. It's been 15 years and I still think about it. It's safe to say that I think about it almost every day. My obsessive thoughts have ALWAYS been out of control.

Moving on, before I cry.

That was the first year I seriously contemplated killing myself. I took a ton of ibuprofen which of course did nothing except make me very loopy. Hey... I was 16 and had no access to anything and I had NO idea what I was doing. When it didn't work I was frustrated. I was sad. It made me feel even MORE like a failure. I never told anybody at the time. I was flat out embarrassed... I didn't see at as a cry for help, I didn't want anyone to stop me, I didn't want anyone to know about it, I just wanted to not be here anymore.

The next time the urge hit I first sat down to write a letter. I addressed everyone in my life that I'd be leaving behind in some vain attempt to reassure them that it wasn't their fault and how much better off they'd be without me there. I was doing this for them. I never did, and I STILL don't see it as a relief or escape from personal pain. I don't mind the pain, I'm used to it. But it only gets bad when I see my actions start to hurt other people. More than that, I start to see that I cause nothing but pain. They are not just IN pain, but I am the active source OF that pain.

I use the letters as a form of some sick and twisted therapy. If I address everyone I'm close to as if this is the last time I will speak to them, then perhaps I will find someone that DOES need me. When I sit down to write it, at the time, I don't see it as an attempt to talk myself out of it, but that's usually what ends up happening.

Since I was 16 I'd have to say that I've written at LEAST 10 if I'm giving a conservative estimate. Probably more like 20, really. I know it's bad, I know it's dangerous. And really this is the first time I've ever said anything about it.

I guess what I'm hoping is that someone will tell me I'm not alone in doing this.

you are not alone. do you have pets nessa? i think writing letters and talking to your pets is kind of same. your dog or blank paper they both listen to what we have to say. without complaining.

Another great pet are guinea pigs. I have two myself and they have helped me so much. Guinea pigs may not seem it, but they are pretty high maitinence. That means I always have something to do with them. If you decide to get guinea pigs, I can help you with a great website that has tons of information, and lots of caring people.

Have you ever thought about a diary? Maybe if you wrote a diary you could express your feelings in a way that wouldn't remind you of suicide.

One thing that has always brightened my day was the "Happy Moment Jar". This is when you write down a happy or funny moment that happened to you, scribble on a date, and drop it in a jar. The moments don't nesissarily have to be everyday, but it's nice when you can go back and look at them. Here is a picture of a "Good Moment Jar".

ImageUploadedByTapatalk1364748453.894073.jpg

I do (two cats and dog), and I use them also. It's weird though, I've never been one to bother other people with my petty problems, so a part of me feels guilty even talking to THEM about it! Yes... weird... I know.

Hi, you are completely not alone here. I wrote my first "suicide" letter at 14. While writing it I cried to hard saying goodbye to everyone that I passed out on my bed. When I woke up, well it didn't seem as necessary. I had a collection of about 25 letters by the time I was 17. I even started writing them during classes. Obviously I got found out by doing it there, but I was so depressed I didn't care. They brought my parents in the whole thing and then we showed my therapist. She was like these are great we can use these. So we did.

To this day I still write when I'm devastated, it is a way for me to get all of those feelings, emotions, and fears out of my head and onto paper. I still cry most of the time while I am writing. I think it is cathartic for me because I always write to others still, almost as if I am talking to someone, all the things I need to get out so that I do not explode. I feel relief because I don't have to say it out loud, but it is still out. I don't necessarily feel better though, just usually wiped. But I take what I wrote and it helps me realize what I need to work on or tell someone about. It helps me pinpoint the true problem, it doesn't matter if it is something I can fix.

I think without writing these letters I would personally implode, and I think more people should be writing them.

Somthing, I recently did just incase I got depressed. Next time you feel like writing the letters you can do this: get a plain piece of paper. Choose at least 5 word you believe about yourself from a list like this one, get colored pencils, pick 2 of your favorite bright color and a couple of shades between, write all of the words repeating in all directions until the paper is no longer white. After that take a black marker and another page draw and color in an out-line of a person cut out the outline and glue it to the middle of page of words. Hang it in a place you can see it. So no matter how dark you feel you still have all of your good qualities surrounding you. Re-try as needed.

its just you are very nice i think. i know there is reason why we all are very nice to others, careful not to hurt anyone by even accident. we are hurting so much inside our head and we know how it feel.