[Debi54]

Over the course of this weekend, I have managed to lose both the only friend I have in this crappy state, and my boyfriend. If I were to be totally honest, the friend really wasn't much of a friend, but I guess it gave me the illusion that someone actually cared, but if you care about someone, you don't rip them off for money that they desperately need. Especially when they are supporting a child and you aren't. I guess that's what I get for loaning money to someone when I really couldn't afford to, but I was trying to be nice. And once again, he turned it around on me and made it out like it was my fault he didn't have the money after 3 weeks. I wrote it off as a learning experience, and wrote him off in the process. Then I got in a big fight with my significant other, because as everyone on medication knows, half of the meds they give you have the side effect of killing your sex drive, so when he wanted to have sex, I wasn't in the mood. This led to a huge blowout, and he brought up things from years ago that had absolutely nothing to do with anything. And of course, in his mind, because I wasn't in the mood right then, that obviously meant that I am seeing someone else. To him, EVERY thing means I'm seeing someone else. I will admit, I'm not the best girlfriend, I don't call, I don't go to his house, because he has a habit of just showing up here at my house unannounced whenever he feels like it, and I have to drop whatever I'm doing and only pay attention to him. I'm an artist, I can't even sketch while I talk to him, or do my dishes or anything. Just sit there. And even though he is 50 something, he is always in the mood. Usually I go along with it to keep the peace, but sometimes I just don't feel like it. I didn't think that was a crime. Apparently it is. So he broke up with me. And after everything he brought up yesterday, I'm thinking maybe that's not such a bad thing, either. What kind of relationship do you have if the person doesn't trust you? And just because you're bipolar and have different moods? Apparently because of that, I'm cheating. What a crock. And he says he knows me so well. I said he doesn't know me at all, and that's obvious. Sad commentary on a 12 year relationship. I'm totally disgusted, and disillusioned. I'm better off alone.

[Trippin2.0]

I dont have anything intelligable to say except that you'll be ok, and you'll always have us

Post as much or as little as you need, and take it 1 breath at a time Deb

ps. Your ex is a lil douche boy trapped in a man's body.

Well, you're smart, Debi54, and you've learned two very valuable lessons in life:

1. Don't lend money
2. Once in a while you'll meet a man who has no depth. Be wary of those who
are like that.

You'll meet new friends and be much stronger, too.

What kind of artist are you? That is, what medium do you prefer in your work and
are you a landscape artist, still-life artist, portrait painter, or what?

Take care and, as Trippin said, continue to post as you wish. Everyone is happy to listen and maybe give a little advice here and there.

[Debi54]

Originally Posted by genetic

Well, you're smart, Debi54, and you've learned two very valuable lessons in life:

1. Don't lend money
2. Once in a while you'll meet a man who has no depth. Be wary of those who
are like that.

You'll meet new friends and be much stronger, too.

What kind of artist are you? That is, what medium do you prefer in your work and
are you a landscape artist, still-life artist, portrait painter, or what?

Take care and, as Trippin said, continue to post as you wish. Everyone is happy to listen and maybe give a little advice here and there.

I draw landscapes, in pencil. I have given thought to working in color, but everyone keeps pushing it at me, so it seems the more they push, the more I don't want to. My uncle draws strictly in pencil, and he's extremely good. I'm working my way toward that, and I enjoy what I do. It's kind of like my therapy at home. I just wish everyone would let me do my thing my own way. I know they're trying to be helpful, but it's kind of like telling me I need to be more social-I'm just not comfortable with it. Yet, anyway.

(((((hugs))))

[faerie_moon_x]

Sometimes it is better to be alone. Being alone doesn't mean being lonely. It kind of sounds to my like you like your space so you can do your art. Maybe some time off from a relationship isn't such a bad. thing. I know i'ts hare right now. But toxic people are called toxic for a reason.

You'll be okay.

[AAAAA]

The sexual side effects are horrible. Sex is an important part of a healthy relationship. My husband had the patience of Job, but he once made the comment "how depressed are you? It's been a really long time." And it had. Talk to your doctor about the side effects when you're ready. Good Luck!

[Debi54]

Originally Posted by shattered sanity

(((((hugs))))

I ought to have your screen name-that's about the way I feel about now. If I had any sanity left to shatter, it certainly is gone now.

[Debi54]

I had interviews at all the jobs I applied to. They all seemed to go well, but apparently they didn't go as well as I thought, because this last one only took one day for the email to come back telling me I didn't get the job. I had to take gas money to get to the damn interview out of my rent, now I don't have my rent money. I just got a new landlord, so I'm not too sure how understanding he will be. If I was still dealing with his Mom, it wouldn't be that huge a problem, but now, I don't know. I got help with the water bill and some food yesterday, even though continuously living off these charities is killing me. I wasn't brought up that way. I want to work, even tho I'm on disability.My power bill is due next Friday, with a cutoff on it, and if I don't make a car payment this month they're probably going to come get the car, and I won't have to worry about paying my insurance that's due this month too. All this and we have NO money left at all. I've applied for everything around that I can find. After I got the email yesterday, I finally just sat here and cried, something I very seldom do. I was not brought up to cry, either. But I just feel totally hopeless at this point, and my son is counting on me. I'm a survivor, always have been, but at this point, I just don't see any more options. My boyfriend thinks I should move in with him, I would rather just hang myself. Does anybody have any ideas I haven't thought of yet? Because I'm at the end of my rope and I see that darkness heading at me like a speeding train, and if I get stuck in one of those depressions, it's pretty much over. I just feel so hopeless.

[punkypunky]

I'm sorry you've experienced so much loss in such a short amount of time.

Honestly it sounds like you deserve a man instead of that boy you were dating. It sounds like he had plenty of issues of his own!

Here is hoping things look up for you.

[Victoria'smom]

. I'll try to see what I can find and pm you. About accepting help as horrifyingly degradeding as it is a child's stability is more important. this means not only financially but they need a mom that can be as healthy as possible.

[bluemountains]

Hi Debi, I may not have good ideas, but here are some. Are you able to locate to a larger place that may have more options for you? Perhaps there is a family member or a friend that can help you start fresh.
I know you hate charity, and I completely get that, but are there some temporary solutions that might see you through until you can find a job? Where I live there is a nonprofit organization that offers a hand up to homeless families by housing them in different churches (no religious affiliation needed) as families work towards stability.
What kind of work are you looking for? Are you hoping to use your creative abilities in your art?
Yesterday, while sitting at lunch too close to a couple of ladies in a food court, I heard an interesting conversation between the two. They were talking about the classes they were taking, and through the conversation I learned that they received money for being in school and would come out with some type of nursing degrees. Obviously I had questions, but I shouldn't have been listening! This was in DC, so I am sure their housing can't be cheap, but both seemed perfectly satisfied with their current status. My point with this story is that there may be some schooling options that offer the same as they are getting. It must be a federal program, and maybe information can be found online or through social services.
Personally, I would stay far away from the boyfriend's offer considering his immature expectations.
If I had to live on only my salary with four children, I wouldn't be far from your circumstances (have thought about it when my husband is an asse!)
Good luck!
If I think of more doable solutions, I'll pass them on.
Bluemountains