[Nessa213]

I've had trust issues for as long as I can remember. I went to an in home day care that was incredibly abusive (verbally, physically, sexually) from my earliest memories until I was about 10. I don't know if this would have anything to DO with anything, but I do consider it a key piece to my overall story.

Let me be clear that I understand why both of my parents worked. I completely, 100% try not to blame them for anything. Did I resent it at the time? Sure. Do I think it contributed to some MASSIVE abandonment issues that I carry with me to this day? Indeed.

I've always had a problem with people leaving. I don't know why. I've always thought that it was just a personal malfunction. A lot of people I know have that "one friend" that they've had since Kindergarten. Me? Not so much. I don't actively seek out lonesomeness. But it does seem to follow me. Sometimes I like it. Sometimes I don't. And sometimes it REALLY bothers me.

(It's probably also worth mentioning that I'm an only child. That kid that played Monopoly by them-self? That was totally me. And... it's a lot more fun than you'd think. Anyway.)

It always seems that right about the time I really open up to someone and FINALLY start to trust them implicitly, something happens and they leave me. One friendship ended in high school my senior year after a HUGE rage filled blow up (on my part of course) because I had it in my head that she was turning everyone against me and was hurting me on purpose. She wasn't. Of course. But this raging screaming took place in the middle of the hallway right in the middle of the day while people were trying to change classes. So I'm fairly certain the entire school could hear me. I'm not sure, but I'm pretty sure this is why she didn't talk to me for many years after. We're "facebook friends" still, but only in a very acquaintance kind of way.

But what I'm starting to realize is that I'm having a problem trusting even myself these days. And this thought is paralyzing, and it makes me panic.

I compare it to looking at the world through a filter. And whatever "filter" I'm seeing the world through that day is skewing the legitimacy of the situation. I base real feelings, real emotions and very real decisions based on my perception of that situation. And I just can't trust it. I try as HARD as I possibly can to insert SOME kind of logic into a situation, but I've ended up making the wrong decisions, the VERY wrong decisions because some wires got crossed in my head and I legitimately believed I was making the right decision. I look back at things I've done in amazement, and wonder how I could have POSSIBLY thought that was right? What on EARTH was I thinking?

But, there other times that I know damn well I'm making the wrong decision. My logic is telling me to stop, and I'm telling it to go right to hell. But I end up regretting it just the same.

I hate it. I hate it so very much. I hate myself for it. It makes me feel worthless. It cheapens my emotions. I don't know how I'm supposed to feel. People tell me "do the right thing, do what your heart tells you". But I simply don't know what that is. I know what it is NOW. I know what it is in THIS very moment. But I don't know what it will be tomorrow. Or next week. Basing ALL my decisions on logic alone, or by what other people tell me is the "right" thing to do feels meaningless. And baseless. I feel empty. It's not real. It's just part of this mask that I continue to wear that covers up all those REAL emotions that I'm really not supposed to be feeling. Or over feeling, really.

I guess I just needed to vent. But all the talking in the world never seems to make me feel better.

[punkypunky]

I have an insane problem trusting people myself. I have just been let down and abandoned so much myself that it is hard to let myself trust anyone.

[thebelljar12]

Hi dear,

Firstly, I am so sorry to hear that you're a survivor of abuse, and that you've come a long way in battling the resentment and anger in your heart. That can't be easy.

I wanted to give you a :: and tell you that you're not alone. I also get this struggle with trying to build relationships/keep my friends. The only "best friend" I ever had lasted for a while, we met on the first day of the 3rd grade and were inseparable until around the 6th grade but then she found drugs and boys and totally left me. I haven't been able to find anyone I could be as close with as I was with her.

It sucked. Watching her change, her blowing me off, etc. I find myself attracting wicked flake-y people. Especially girls.

Do you find a trend of the kinds of people you make friends with? Are you meeting them in the same way?

Do you ever feel like once you start to get close to someone you feel like ditching them and just being alone?

I feel like a lot of this has to do with depression. Depression can give you those blinders/filter you were talking about. It can blur and hinder your ability to make decisions, it can really impair how you feel about yourself, your self esteem, and how you think about your relationships. Have you ever given this any thought?

I hope this helps, if even just a bit.

[Nessa213]

Originally Posted by thebelljar12

Do you find a trend of the kinds of people you make friends with? Are you meeting them in the same way?

Do you ever feel like once you start to get close to someone you feel like ditching them and just being alone?

I feel like a lot of this has to do with depression. Depression can give you those blinders/filter you were talking about. It can blur and hinder your ability to make decisions, it can really impair how you feel about yourself, your self esteem, and how you think about your relationships. Have you ever given this any thought?

I hope this helps, if even just a bit.

I've actually gotten better at picking friends, but for the LONGEST time it felt like I was picking very destructive people. They'd all have their own mess of problems (not saying that it's their fault) but I'd always get dragged into it making MY situation that much worse. Right now, the few friends I have seem to be relatively supportive but I'm having a really hard time opening up to them fully.

I try not to be greedy or needy. I know everyone has their issues and demons. Maybe my main issue is that I don't want to feel like a bother to anyone.

And this part: "Do you ever feel like once you start to get close to someone you feel like ditching them and just being alone?" is SO right on you don't even know. I get too close to someone and I can literally feel myself start to panic. So maybe I push people away on purpose? For some sick and twisted reason...

[thebelljar12]

Originally Posted by Nessa213

I've actually gotten better at picking friends, but for the LONGEST time it felt like I was picking very destructive people. They'd all have their own mess of problems (not saying that it's their fault) but I'd always get dragged into it making MY situation that much worse. Right now, the few friends I have seem to be relatively supportive but I'm having a really hard time opening up to them fully.

I try not to be greedy or needy. I know everyone has their issues and demons. Maybe my main issue is that I don't want to feel like a bother to anyone.

And this part: "Do you ever feel like once you start to get close to someone you feel like ditching them and just being alone?" is SO right on you don't even know. I get too close to someone and I can literally feel myself start to panic. So maybe I push people away on purpose? For some sick and twisted reason...

I don't know if its a bipolar thing, but I think we can be really self destructive, probably more in our manic phase. I think its like, when we're really manic we want to get so much done and talk to so many people, and then its like, whoa, what the heck did I just do/get myself into?

I feel like I want to help people and then they just end up being flakey and disappointing me. I feel like I criticize people so much its just a lot easier to hang out by myself and with my husband. The only social interaction I have at this point is with my inlaws, my husband, his friend, and my family. I tried to hang out with a girl from 2 jobs ago and she has bailed on me the last 2 times we made plans. She also is depressed (which I didn't know at the time) and I thought we could be close friends. I was even willing to drive to her house and pick her up because she doesn't drive. I throw myself out to people and they end up either using me or being crappy friends in general.

I spend a lot of time reading books and going places on walks by myself. At least I don't have to depend on anyone. I really liked having "work buddies" but I got let go from my last job. I am starting a job next week so I hope it will cheer me up a bit.

Does any of this strike a chord?
Btw, if you have gmail chat, id love to stay in touch more, because this site is horrible at informing you when you have new replies in your thread (I tried subscribing to some threads but it didnt work) my email is lisalaneland@gmail.com.

[punkypunky]

I am glad to read other people feel the same way I do!

I had an impossible time following things I had commented on here until I set it up to automatically make me follow threads I have posted in.

[MarliaJane]

I'm right there with you... and going to send three replies so I can message you

[MarliaJane]

It is very reassuring (or at least relieving) to know I am not alone in this struggle.

[MarliaJane]

3rd time's a charm?

[Darth Bane]

from my favorite fantasy novel - wheel of time-

Give me your trust, said the Aes Sedai.
On my shoulders I support the sky.
Trust me to know and to do what is best,
And I will take care of the rest.

But trust is the color of a dark seed growing.
Trust is the color of a heart’s blood flowing.
Trust is the color of a soul’s last breath.
Trust is the color of death.

Give me your trust, said the queen on her throne,
for I must bear the burden all alone.
Trust me to lead and to judge and to rule,
and no man will think you a fool.

But trust is the sound of the grave-dog’s bark.
Trust is the sound of betrayal in the dark.
Trust is the sound of a soul’s last breath.
Trust is the sound of death.

Give me your trust, said the king on high...

Give me your trust, said the lady and lord...

Give me your trust, said the love of your life...

Trust is the taste of death.