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#1
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Many of you know my whiney story already. My son turned 21, and the first of February he moved out with his girlfriend. It was just the 2 of us his entire life, so now I am an empty nester without a partner to help me through the transition.
The first month he was on his own, I saw him once a week for a couple of hours. We would go have coffee or dinner. But, as of today, it has been 3 weeks since I've seen him or spoken to him, and this is really difficult. I feel totally rejected. I'm trying not to be a pain in the rear. I have tried calling maybe once every 3 or 4 days. He never answers. I've sent texts, and he has ignored most of them. But I'm not sending texts constantly because I don't want to be overbearing. I've tried to keep my mind off of the fact that my relationship with my son has fallen to crap, but it isn't easy. I'm still thinking, "Is this how the rest of my life will be? I have a son out there, but I don't know what's going on in his life, and I'm sitting in the same spot on the loveseat, making no progress in my own life."
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- Purple Daisy - Bipolar II * Rapid-Cycling 46. Female. Midwest USA. Just returned to treatment in July 2012 after being out of treatment since 1994. First diagnosed at age 21. Writer stuck in a cubicle by day. |
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#2
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Can you add him on facebook? That's the only way my family "hears" from me. There's no bad blood or anything I'm just not a phone txt person.
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Dx: Me- SzA Husband- Bipolar 1 Daughter- mood disorder+ Comfortable broken and happy "So I don't know why I'm tongue tied At the wrong time when I need this."- P!nk My blog |
#3
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I'm so sorry Purple
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#4
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You are not alone. Empty nest is especially hard when it's been just the 2 of you all his life. Nows a good time to redefine your next phase of life. Get out with your own friends and make plans. Your son needs to see you getting on with your own life. I know its just a few weeks but the longer you wait the harder it gets. In the mean time if you're worried, you know where he lives, I'd pop in on him just for a few min with oh say some choc chip cookies, visit a little and see if you can make plans to have dinner sometime soon. Are you willing to include his gf? |
#5
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I like Miguel'sMom's response -FB -because I swear that's sometimes I hear of major events in my older kids lives, like "I'm married" (giving a whole new meaning for me of e-Lope, haha) "I'm in labor", Etc. One of my daughters was always posting drama & I called it the Ray Show. They all have smart phones and I have to beg them to call.
I'm sorry you're going through it, PurpleMy 17, almost 18yo also has bipolar disorder, like me. I vacillate between wanting him out at 18 (35 days from now) and wanting to protect him. He's pretty acidic so mostly it's the former. Keep us posted!
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notALICE MIDWAY upon the journey of our life I found myself within a forest dark, For the straightforward pathway had been lost. Bipolar I |
#6
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Yes, we're friends on Facebook. I'm sure he posts a lot of things and blocks me from seeing them. I see things that he posts once or twice a week maybe. That's all. I've learned not to go on his threads and post comments because it seems to annoy him. And I've also learned NOT to say to myself, "Hey! He's obviously online because he just posted on Facebook, so I will now send him a Facebook message and get a conversation going." That doesn't work. He will ignore my messages. My messages aren't anything huge or *****y. I'm NOT telling him how sad I am without him. I send him really short messages asking if he wants to do coffee or dinner that day. Or I'll let him know something cute the animals did. Or I'll ask if he has a ride to work (if the weather is bad). The most I've received in response is "Aw!" for the cute things the animals do, or "No" about needing a ride to work.
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- Purple Daisy - Bipolar II * Rapid-Cycling 46. Female. Midwest USA. Just returned to treatment in July 2012 after being out of treatment since 1994. First diagnosed at age 21. Writer stuck in a cubicle by day. |
#7
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Get on with my life.
I wasn't ready for him to move out and for me to be facing the thought of getting on with my life. He sprung all this on me so fast and I had no idea. I thought (hoped) he would get back into college and be closer to getting his degree before he moved out. It's much easier to go to college when you're not paying bills. Anyway... I saw a cute movie with Meg Ryan and Antonio Banderas several years ago called "My Mom's New boyfriend." When the son leaves home, his mom (Meg Ryan) is fat and unhappy. Then he returns home and she is thin, hot, sexy, and confident. She lands a new boyfriend (Antonio Banderas). Maybe it's time for me to turn into Meg Ryan.
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- Purple Daisy - Bipolar II * Rapid-Cycling 46. Female. Midwest USA. Just returned to treatment in July 2012 after being out of treatment since 1994. First diagnosed at age 21. Writer stuck in a cubicle by day. |
#8
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My son moved out Dec1,1212 with his girlfriend and are living together about an hours drive from my home. At first they were doing their laundry here the first 2 weekends. I was such a worrier, but I did have reason to too. He is in college, worked at a job being a cook making subs, and after a 12 hour shift, he was in a car accident and ended up in the hospital for MRI and catscan. He ended up being ok, but who knows this head injury may lead to other things. He refuses to listen to me, any type of advice is shunned by him. So I don't give advice anymore. I think his girlfriend think I'm an overbearing mother, although I am the farthest thing from it. He never calls me, He did say he got a new job about 3 weeks ago at a drug store. Because of the car accident he has o ride a bike. So as you can see, I'm also a empty nester!!! I do have my husband of 17 years, but no one in the day to talk to so I'm online Skyping or other things like this forum. I don't have a job but see a pshyciatrist and T. I know what it feels like to be away from someone who was around for 22 years and is gone so fast.
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#9
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Sorry you're going through this, Av! I worry about mine and transportation, too. He's usually on a bicycle or city bus, or combination of the two. We've had a lot of accidents around here lately, with drivers simply not paying attention and hitting bicyclists and motorcyclists. A bicyclist was killed about a mile from my house recently.
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- Purple Daisy - Bipolar II * Rapid-Cycling 46. Female. Midwest USA. Just returned to treatment in July 2012 after being out of treatment since 1994. First diagnosed at age 21. Writer stuck in a cubicle by day. |
#10
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#11
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I know it's hard, but now is the time you can stretch out and make time for you.
I still believe that it will get better as your son gets used to the idea of being on his own. And by the time that happens you will have your own life and be like, "Uh, excuse me, but I have plans." ![]() Being alone doesn't have to mean lonely. You're just needing to get used to the whole idea.
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#12
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Just move on in your life , stop texting him , find things you enjoy , live your life ... Trust me he is going to notice you don't text and will call or come around.. Let him chase you a bit .. Be busy ... just fake it all if you need too , funny thing is faking stuff like this having a life usually winds up turning into a life . Your son hasn't forgotten you hes is being an adult and spreading his wings ,
Hang in there ! You can handle this ![]()
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Helping others gets me out of my own head ~ |
#13
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So sorry you're going through this. I guess it gives me a peek at what I will be going through in a couple of short years. I don't have a real partner to help me through the "empty nest" syndrome, either. Kids want to grow up and separate from their parents, especially from us mothers, (especially our boys) because they don't want to be thought of as "mam'a boys", and I can't really blame them. My stepbrother is working out in Texas right now and it's the first time he's ever been away from my stepmother (he's 26) and you'd think he died by the way she acts. Eventually he'll come around and start calling again. He's probably just establishing his independence.
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#14
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I feel the frustration from the other end of things -- as the adult child being contacted. My mother often calls and has nothing to talk about and I find it quite irritating. She just complains about work or tells stories of what the cats are doing. Does that really warrant a phone call? I work, I go to school full time and I travel to see my bf an hour away. I don't exactly have a lot of extra time to chit chat. I've gotten in the habit of being the one to call my mom first so it fits my schedule better, but at the same time I still end up feeling irritated by it. I'm sure she can hear it in my voice and that makes me feel bad. My mom works part time but doesn't have friends outside of family. Feeling like I am THE ONE she reaches out too, is stressful. I have my own crap to deal with already. :-(
I'm sorry your son isn't doing a better job of keeping contact. I at least TRY! |
#15
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my son used to call every week and nows has been calling every 3 wks so I know your pain . Nothing is wrong he is just busy but I do not call him I wait fir him to call me. I have 2 other kids who call once a week so that helps. But I have had to talk to my T about this it bothers me so much.
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#16
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Sons just do that sort of stuff. Men just aren't trained to communicate the way women do.
You may just have to let go and let him do his own thing. Otherwise he may have hurt feelings. Right now a friend of mine moved back in with his mom (economic thing) and is complaining to me that he wishes she would back off and stop wanting to know where he is going and what he is doing all the time. Your son could be feeling the same way, even though he is moved out. Just let him call when he wants. After all, he is an adult and he has a life. |
#17
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All valid points, but I contacted him very little in the first place.
I had left it all up to him to make the first move with communication for the better part of 2 years as his attitude kept changing while he still lived at home, and he started acting like an angry teen a few years too late. It has now been 1 month and 1 day since I saw his face or heard his voice. I haven't texted or called for several days. When I did text or call, it was just to ask if we could set a date to go have dinner or coffee. I'd save my talking for then. My birthday is coming up. We'll see if he even remembers.
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- Purple Daisy - Bipolar II * Rapid-Cycling 46. Female. Midwest USA. Just returned to treatment in July 2012 after being out of treatment since 1994. First diagnosed at age 21. Writer stuck in a cubicle by day. |
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#18
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#19
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Being on the wayward son end of this type of thing, the best thing you can do, from my perspective, is to give him some space and time. Eventually, i hope so anyways, he will miss his mommy and get back in touch with you.
Try to enjoy your alone time. Do things for you. You put 21 years in preparing him for the day he can fly off and leave the nest. That day has come. You've done your motherly duty in that regard. Best wishes and good luck! ![]()
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BIG changes on the horizon ![]() Hopin' it all goes well... Oxcarbazepine: 300mg 2x/day Fish Oil, Vitamin D3, Magnesium, Lipitor, BEta-Blocker |
#20
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PurpleDaisy,
I feel for you in this time of transition. ![]() ![]()
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