[douglas76]

So I woke up this morning, feeling nothing. Made the decision to tell me closest friend what I think might be wrong with, and almost immediately my mood switched to crying, hurt, lost, afraid, denial, and a load of other feelings I can't even name. I got told last night I have always been a moody person, could I have always have been bipolar and just not realized because I don't like to tell people how I feel. When anyone asks, unless I really need to talk about it, which isn't often I just say fine. My friend is bipolar, what if she tells me that she can't see me because of the contents of my head. When something doesn't go right or the reply to a question or text isn't what it should be, my mind just goes into overdrive. How can I tell that the thoughts that are in my head aren't real?

Right now I have to go to work, which isn't going well because of my constant mood swings. Today's task, other than work, is to find a primary care doctor that I can discuss things with. One task. Oh, and tell my friend that I think I may be suffering from depression, bipolar, borderline, and codependency. What could go wrong?

[~Christina]

Seeing your Primary care doctor is a good place to start, have some blood work done to check thyroid etc . You really need to be seen by a Psychiatrist to be properly diagnosed and receive treatment, Primary care Doctors do not know enough to treat mental illness.

Good Luck

[douglas76]

Have my appt. to see a Primary Care Doctor. As I don't have one, I have to wait for an initial appt., will keep calling back trying to get an earlier one.

On the whole, the day wasn't as bad as what I thought. When I told my friend, I didn't know what to expect. But all morning I was dreading it. I cried when I told her, I couldn't keep it in, it just flowed and I couldn't stop it. Then maybe 15 minutes later, it just stopped, that nothing feeling took over again. She told me that I could tell her anything, and that she would never judge me, just as I have never judged her. I told my co-worker, and I caught him off guard. He didn't know what to say, so said nothing. After I had told him, he was different. But I don't know if that was just in my head. How can I tell what is an irrational thought and what is reality?

I will be talking more with my friend, trying to be more open with her than I have been. I've never lied to her, unless you say that telling someone you are fine when you know some thing is wrong but you can't say or describe or even quantify it, a lie. She knows me, sometimes I think she knows me better than myself, I know she knows me better than I do. I wish I had been more open with her, that I had been able to tell her the things that go on inside my head, the thoughts both rational and irrational that constantly fly in and out of my head. I don't know what I would be like without her support, her unfailing support.

Tomorrow is a new day. New fears, new ideas, new everything. If only new days didn't start out the way they have been.

I don't know is this is a me thing, a male thing, or a illness thing; but i want to call the doc up and cancel the appointment. While I don't feel normal, I ask you to define normal. I feel like I can survive like this. If I can feel like this all the time, then I can function.

[kaliope]

The best way to tell reality as you word it, is to get therapy. It will assist you in identifying your cognitive deficits and help you reframe your thinking. DBT is also an excellent technique for dealing with your thoughts and feelings differently. Good luck to you.

[ultramar]

Originally Posted by douglas76

So I woke up this morning, feeling nothing. Made the decision to tell me closest friend what I think might be wrong with, and almost immediately my mood switched to crying, hurt, lost, afraid, denial, and a load of other feelings I can't even name. I got told last night I have always been a moody person, could I have always have been bipolar and just not realized because I don't like to tell people how I feel. When anyone asks, unless I really need to talk about it, which isn't often I just say fine. My friend is bipolar, what if she tells me that she can't see me because of the contents of my head. When something doesn't go right or the reply to a question or text isn't what it should be, my mind just goes into overdrive. How can I tell that the thoughts that are in my head aren't real?

Right now I have to go to work, which isn't going well because of my constant mood swings. Today's task, other than work, is to find a primary care doctor that I can discuss things with. One task. Oh, and tell my friend that I think I may be suffering from depression, bipolar, borderline, and codependency. What could go wrong?

It sounds like sometimes you're reacting intensely to things that happen to you in the moment (the texts written to you, etc.). Mood swings could indicate all kinds of things, anything and everything really.

We can't diagnose here, but I would first of all encourage you not to diagnose yourself, it's hard enough for the professionals, we don't tend to be very good at it ourselves! I would recommend you get a referral from your PCP for a psychiatrist. I've never dealt with mental health issues with my PCP's so I don't have personal experience with it, but I do feel that it's best to get evaluated by a specialist/psychiatrist.

Good luck!

[douglas76]

Originally Posted by kaliope

The best way to tell reality as you word it, is to get therapy. It will assist you in identifying your cognitive deficits and help you reframe your thinking. DBT is also an excellent technique for dealing with your thoughts and feelings differently. Good luck to you.

What is DBT?

Originally Posted by ultramar

It sounds like sometimes you're reacting intensely to things that happen to you in the moment (the texts written to you, etc.). Mood swings could indicate all kinds of things, anything and everything really.

We can't diagnose here, but I would first of all encourage you not to diagnose yourself, it's hard enough for the professionals, we don't tend to be very good at it ourselves! I would recommend you get a referral from your PCP for a psychiatrist. I've never dealt with mental health issues with my PCP's so I don't have personal experience with it, but I do feel that it's best to get evaluated by a specialist/psychiatrist.

Good luck!

The text's are/were just an example. You're right in that I do react to things in the moment, and it is hard not to act upon my reaction. I have some truly awful things that pop into my head at times, and words have escaped my mouth that once the sadness and what ever else I was feeling went, I regretted. But once spoken, words cannot be unsaid. I usually have very good self control, so when things like me speaking my mind happen, it throws me.

I don't like self diagnosing, if I can I will ignore symptoms until I can't any longer. I don't like going to doctors because I feel like they have more important things to do than see someone that there is probably nothing wrong with. There was an internal dialog in my head yesterday about cancelling the appt. with the primary care physician. I had been feeling functional for a few hrs, no downs, no sadness, when I thought about it I felt stupid for thinking that I needed help. The thought still comes and goes, when I feel fine, like now. I promised a friend that I would get help, that is the only thing that is stopping me from cancelling my appt.. I want to rule out other things, as well as get a psychiatrist visit, it just feels important to do both.

Thank you, for this.

[cool09]

Reality is always what you are feeling. That's a lot different than standards and expectations which Society puts on us I think. Every Culture has different standards and expectations so can you interpret/extrapolate that as saying that Reality changes from Culture to Culture?

If you (and I) are moody then that's our reality I think. If I am irritable on a daily basis that's my reality I'm afraid.

I had a Community PDOC who I had to see at a Partial Day Program and I met with him only twice for less than a total of five minutes where he asked me nothing and just (barely) scanned my records. I asked him why I couldn't be taken off of a medication and he said, "Because you have breaks with reality". I couldn't believe it! This guy didn't know a thing about me and never even engaged in one conversation with me! I was furious! I wanted to strangle him!

[hamster-bamster]

DBT = dialectical behavior therapy, an eclectic mix of CBT (cognitive behavioral therapy), buddhism, and a few other things. Very homework-intensive, so not for everybody.

[hamster-bamster]

Originally Posted by douglas76

I don't like going to doctors because I feel like they have more important things to do than see someone that there is probably nothing wrong with.

As I said to someone else here a few weeks ago, unless you are hired to manage and prioritize and are paid for managing doctors and prioritizing the workload of doctors, you should not be concerned with how to prioritize their workload.

It appears to me that you are not in the business of managing doctors.

So why are you thinking these thoughts?

Also, the point of seeing a doctor, as Ultramar has pointed out, is in that you cannot diagnose yourself with 100% accuracy. Since you cannot diagnose yourself with 100% accuracy, you cannot say "there is probably nothing wrong with" - your thought process is fallacious.

To sum up, you are attempting to determine how third parties (doctors, in your case) should spend their time (in general, your primary concern should be how YOU spend your time, and not third parties, especially largely anonymous third parties), and in making these attempts, you are using criteria that you are not qualified to use (you cannot fully determine whether something is wrong with you - these things are determined in a conversation with a professional, with input from both sides).

[hamster-bamster]

Originally Posted by douglas76

I don't like going to doctors because I feel like they have more important things to do than see someone that there is probably nothing wrong with.

Do you qualify for government mental health? Or, for any other form of taxpayer-funded care?

[ultramar]

I don't like going to doctors because I feel like they have more important things to do than see someone that there is probably nothing wrong with.

Doctors are there to help you, no matter what is going on, and you deserve that help! Best wishes.

[douglas76]

Originally Posted by hamster-bamster

Do you qualify for government mental health? Or, for any other form of taxpayer-funded care?

Money isn't the issue. I am going to the doctors, I can't help the things that I feel. I agree with the brutal honesty that you have said (thank you ), but it doesn't stop my feelings. I know it is irrational (as my friend says) thinking, but I can't STOP this thinking. My mind is this autobahn of thoughts. While I was talking with my friend last night, at her "request", I mentioned this, the thinking. All day I was worried about what I was going to say, should I filter my words and thoughts, does she need to know everything, can i skip over things that might upset her. But I was told I can't, I was told I need to be honest if any type of help is going to work. And I upset her. I unloaded a lot on her, I know I should of limited what I told her, but I couldn't. Once I started, I just couldn't stop myself. It was so hard for me to even begin talking, and I was scared that if I stopped then I wouldn't start again. Another thing that upset her was my sex drive, after we had finished talking (me talking, her listening and offering help and advice), I asked if we could meet up and get some relief. This really upset her. This is the reason I don't ask for things, because when I ask it upsets people, whether it be for some sex, help, time alone, time, or just privacy I always upset someone. My appointment with the doctor can't come soon enough, while the appointment is still over 5 weeks away, I keep phoning and ask if there is any earlier openings.

Let me ask this, would it be easier if when asked how I am feeling i just blow it off and say fine with no follow up, never ask for anything, or should I take the harder path, be honest when asked and filter what I tell people, even if it means everyone gets told something different? All I want is understanding. To have my needs understood.I can't help that I have a high sex drive, yet denying me feels like a punishment, and the voices that inner monologue REALLY doesn't help.

[hamster-bamster]

I do not want to leave your post unanswered, but I hate typing on the phone. When I get to the laptop, I will respond. I am glad you have made the appointment. Like other people on here,,I suggest that you consider printing out your posts and having the doctor read through.

[hamster-bamster]

Originally Posted by douglas76

Money isn't the issue. I am going to the doctors, I can't help the things that I feel. I agree with the brutal honesty that you have said (thank you ), but it doesn't stop my feelings. I know it is irrational (as my friend says) thinking, but I can't STOP this thinking.

So you and your friend both see how it is irrational. If you were eligible for tax-payer-funded mental health coverage, then one could conceivably see how you are being an extremely, extremely conscientious citizen who worries about wasting taxpayer money on seeing doctors without having any real problems. We could then talk about that. But since you are paying money, the exchange between you and the doctor is mediated by money, and the doctor will be compensated for his or her time EVEN if you do not end up having a diagnosis and treatment plan, so you should not worry about wasting the doctor's time.

Originally Posted by douglas76

My mind is this autobahn of thoughts. While I was talking with my friend last night, at her "request", I mentioned this, the thinking. All day I was worried about what I was going to say, should I filter my words and thoughts, does she need to know everything, can i skip over things that might upset her. But I was told I can't, I was told I need to be honest if any type of help is going to work. And I upset her. I unloaded a lot on her, I know I should of limited what I told her, but I couldn't. Once I started, I just couldn't stop myself.

Definitely do this with the doctor, whom you cannot upset. Either print out the posts or unload on the doctor so that the doctor can see your thoughts and feelings. The doctor will probably structure the conversation (an intake interview with questions and answers) to some extent, but it would be really helpful for the doctor to see both the thoughts/feelings and that you cannot control them.

Originally Posted by douglas76

Another thing that upset her was my sex drive, after we had finished talking (me talking, her listening and offering help and advice), I asked if we could meet up and get some relief. This really upset her.

There may be a wide variety of reasons why it upset her - hard to tell without knowing the context of the relationship. Is it possible for you to masturbate or must you be with a living breathing human woman to get some relief?

Originally Posted by douglas76

Let me ask this, would it be easier if when asked how I am feeling i just blow it off and say fine with no follow up, never ask for anything, or should I take the harder path, be honest when asked and filter what I tell people, even if it means everyone gets told something different? All I want is understanding. To have my needs understood.I can't help that I have a high sex drive, yet denying me feels like a punishment, and the voices that inner monologue REALLY doesn't help.

I think on the most general level, yes, the bold part, because what you say to people should depend on the level of connection between you and the person who asks. You clearly should not be telling the same thing to a casual acquaintance/colleague/close friend...

[douglas76]

The printing of the posts I think would be a great idea. I am a very private person, I find talking to people hard. Once I find someone that I can talk to, I feel like I am burdening them with my issues. I have asked my friend to come with me to the appt., because I know she will help me move forward, keep me honest so to speak. But I am so afraid that I will loose her. I'm afraid that she will see me for the **** up that I am and tell me not to see her or her son again, both of whom I love so much. I do masturbate, and it does help a little, but its not the same, and without going into details which I will not do, it's just as much the intimacy as it is the act. Masturbation is just the act, I need the intimacy just as much as I need the act. It's the guilt, I feel guilty for asking. When I ask she said she feels cheap, but if I don't ask then what? There is so much negative thought in my head, over such menial and stupid things, that everything in my life is being affected. From sleeping, to eating, interactions with customers in both aspects of my work, family, friends. I want to stop thinking, I want the thoughts to stop, I want the monologue to **** off. I want quiet in my head so that I can think about what I want to think about. I want to wake up and feel, I want to stop crying for no reason, I don't want to feel guilty for wanting to have sex, or have the intimacy with my lover.

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[hamster-bamster]

Originally Posted by douglas76

The printing of the posts I think would be a great idea. I am a very private person, I find talking to people hard. Once I find someone that I can talk to, I feel like I am burdening them with my issues. I have asked my friend to come with me to the appt., because I know she will help me move forward, keep me honest so to speak. But I am so afraid that I will lose her. I'm afraid that she will see me for the **** up that I am and tell me not to see her or her son again, both of whom I love so much. I do masturbate, and it does help a little, but its not the same, and without going into details which I will not do, it's just as much the intimacy as it is the act. Masturbation is just the act, I need the intimacy just as much as I need the act. It's the guilt, I feel guilty for asking. When I ask she said she feels cheap, but if I don't ask then what? There is so much negative thought in my head, over such menial and stupid things, that everything in my life is being affected. From sleeping, to eating, interactions with customers in both aspects of my work, family, friends. I want to stop thinking, I want the thoughts to stop, I want the monologue to **** off. I want quiet in my head so that I can think about what I want to think about. I want to wake up and feel, I want to stop crying for no reason, I don't want to feel guilty for wanting to have sex, or have the intimacy with my lover.

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I do not think that she is justified in saying that she feels cheap, because one should not feel cheap for being asked to be intimate. It is not that you plan to use her as a sex toy - you want to be intimate with her, so (unless you have not communicated it to her), she should be able to decline with grace, without making you feel guilty for asking.

Your posts (which are totally honest, I think) will provide ample info to the doctor, so no need to take her to the appointment.

[douglas76]

If I were to deny her what she feels, even if what was meant by what I asked was taken wrong, doesn't that make me a hypocrite for asking her to take my feelings into account? Maybe I could of worded it better, maybe there was a better time to bring it up. Either way, she has the right to feel that. Last night was hard for us both. I should not of unloaded as much on her as I did, there was a lot said by me. My mind jumps from a to b to n to f to y. I've been told that having a conversation with me can be like walking through Daedalus's maze, being led by a blind man taking directions from a mute. Was I out of line asking what I did? i don't know. Was there a better way to word what I asked? More than likely yes. Did her reaction hurt? Yes. Do I forgive her and move past it? Without a second thought. Will I ask the same thing again? Probably, I'm male with a high sex drive.

We can't help the way we feel.

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